Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Year, Again

Mrs. Spit always seems to ask or articulate something that gets me thinking. Here are my thoughts about New Year's Eve:

New Year’s Eve was always fraught for me, for the same reasons you mention, looking like the picture in the magazine. Some were great, some were okay, some were not. Since being with C, it has become a tradition to travel to Seattle, to be with C’s oldest and dearest friends, and their wives. This year, C is there and I am alone. But that is okay, too. I had initially planned to accompany him, but November shook me too much. I will likely be walking the dog at midnight.

Two years ago tonight, C and I decided to take “active management” of our situation and deliver the boys. The first step in trying to accept that there was, indeed, no hope. Still working on that.

This night one year ago was spent remembering, trying to recover.

I, too, mark time with anniversaries. Birthdays, the Jewish New Year, and the others you refer to. I jokingly call myself the Calendar Girl, as I seem to have stored so many dates and days in my head. Two years ago Saturday night marks 11 years since C first kissed me. And I knew it would be an anniversary, too.

Not an easy night, but not bad. I go back and forth between anxious and fine, glad to have some time to myself.

*****
Had a wonderful visit with my dear friend JH. Just talking and laughing and crying and talking for 3 days straight. A wonderful time.

*****
Thank you for your thoughts on the questions in my last post. The RE is probably trying to get more follicles to mature. Yesterday, on Day 6, I had 2 around 14 or 15 on each side, plus some smaller ones. I've been heartburn-y and queasy all day today, so I assume my hormones are raging. He did say I was stimming really well.

At first, he had trouble finding my right ovary (which was hanging out in front of my uterus apparently), and I made some joke about how I always tended to lean to the left, liberal, anyway. He, then, made some joke about how he has a couple of things to say to "your president".

Ugh. Did I mention that I accidentally found him on FB, while looking for the clinic page? I did, I think. And that he, apparently, has already remarried, after being divorced for a year or so. He married the owner of the shop where he does acupuncture. Who calls herself a psychic and life coach. It feels cynical, like a business arrangement. Or like a mid-life crisis.

Bleargh. I feel like I know too much about him. Where did the line go? He was, once again, named by the local city magazine as one of the best doctors in his field. There's a picture and a quote, too. The same line as on his website. Except he's added that it's a woman's biological right to have a child. I think Niobe nailed his thinking in my comments from the last post. At least, I'd like to believe that. Still, if I saw that in a magazine without knowing him, I would probably hesitate in contacting him. Because of even a mention of God. He has expanded his practice to include Eastern with Western medicine. I appreciate that. But. Is it going someplace weird?

I appreciate your thoughts on this subject, too. I don't want any of the professionals I consult with to talk to me about religious topics. I talk with very few people about it. I know I sort of opened the door when I mentioned that C was an atheist, but this? I don't know.

My sister married a man whose political views are generally pretty different from hers. She says they cancel out each other's vote on election days. I get too invested personally not to be compatible with my partner on such topics. My doctor? I don't know. I haven't really thought about it until now, but I guess we always assume that people we otherwise like have views similar to ours. Well, I guess I should say that I usually do. Until proven otherwise.

I need to let it go. I think. As long as his medical care of me does not seem to suffer, it shouldn't matter. Right? I had intended, once pregnant (hahaha ha...) to try to hang on to my RE as long as possible, and get acupuncture with him, throughout, so I could also see someone I've trusted longer than my new high risk OB. I don't know. Maybe I've just been too naive.

*****
Speaking of pregnant and this cycle... Today is Day 7. Day 1? Yes, it was Christm.as Day. And no, the poetry of getting my period on the anniversary of the day my water broke did not escape me. Also? It looks like the IUI will be on Monday, the 4th. Yes, the two-year anniversary of delivering Joshua. The day after the two-year anniversary of Jacob's delivery.

It would be interesting symmetry to get pg this cycle. To put it mildly. Well, pg with a lasting pregnancy, a potentially live birth. Of course, symmetry has nothing to do with biology and reproduction, at least with my body. I have no idea what my chances are this cycle. We may do one more, after this one, then try to make some decisions. (We decided to add a fourth cycle, since the first two were clearly hampered by my non-functional left ovary due to endo.)

Talk about marking time with anniversaries.

*****
I wish you all a good evening, and a great 2010. As a friend of mine wrote in his family holiday card to me, May all your dearest dreams come true this year.

8 comments:

Michele said...

Wow... Those anniversaries are so... touching is the only word that comes to mind.

Thinking of you. Hoping for you.

Mrs. Spit said...

Wishing you comfort and peace. Sending hugs. I will remember the boys particularly tomorrow. Wishing with everything in me, they could be here tomorrow.

carole said...

yes, yes, dear dreams and all. i do so hope that 2010 brings you happiness. it's certainly your turn. love -- c.

erica said...

Thinking of you as you move through these anniversaries, and wishing you much peace and comfort in the new year.

Tash said...

Oh hon, what a series of hard days you have now and on the horizon. Hoping the other stuff is at least a small distraction and a tow-line that pulls you through.

I think I said this earlier here too, but in VA I saw a v. UberXn OB -- she was given lots of awards by various groups for this (which I never really understood) but she was rated the area's top OB, and you know, she was great. She treated me like a person AND a patient (the very first time I saw her she took me back to have a conversation in her office before the exam -- how many docs do that anymore?). I figured there were always other people in the practice if I hit a wall religiously (I was a bit grateful that another doc wound up delivering Bella just due to scheduling, and she was awesome). But we never, ever talked about it. I think if you get to the point where you're uncomfortable, you should look around -- but remember in the meantime, he wants exactly what you do although in the end he may ascribe different reasons to what happened.

Much love.

Ya Chun said...

fingers crossed for Monday!

k@lakly said...

I hope it all goes well on Monday. And then some:)
Face.book, sighs, I sometimes think we just don'tneed to know that much about each other or, ee gads, those we entrust with our care. I sometimes like thinking of docs as superheroes but, have throughthis whole nightmare of dead babies and the aferlife, come to know that no,they are just humans in white coats. I think, like Tash, as long as you share similar goals and ideas about how to get there, maybe just leave the other stuff at the door. Maybe that's enough.
Here's to 2010 being the year.:)

Quách Đại ka said...

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I hope it all goes well on Monday. And then some:)
Face.book, sighs, I sometimes think we just don'tneed to know that much about each other or, ee gads, those we entrust with our care. I sometimes like thinking of docs as superheroes but, have throughthis whole nightmare of dead babies and the aferlife, come to know that no,they are just humans in white coats. I think, like Tash, as long as you share similar goals and ideas about how to get there, maybe just leave the other stuff at the door. Maybe that's enough.
Here's to 2010 being the year.:)

January 2, 2010 1:07 AM