I feel like a mess.
I have a bunch of crappy papers to read, for which I seem to have even less patience than usual.
I'm angry all the time. Pissed. Off.
I feel like I'm holding my breath. Probably sensory stuff. Anniversary stuff coming up.
I'm tired, still, from the surgery. Sore, but healing. But sore. Sleeping a lot.
Beginning of each day seems to bring something like a panic attack. Or low blood sugar. Or both.
Dr. got all the endo. There was enough that it could have prevented implantation. We will do another cycle as soon as I start again.
Worried. Scared. For any, all outcome -- pregnant or not.
I'm getting worried about the holidays. The weather is grey/white and cold. Snowed today. But things are quiet in town. I can feel that tension. Sadness. Anxiety. Two years. Falling apart.
I hate it.
My friend who is supposed to stay with me over Chris.tmas while C is gone, has been out of touch. I know she has a lot going on. I *really* need to hear from her. Really need to hear. I'm worried that she's not going to come after all.
And I'm worried how I'm going to do.
I have a ton of work for school. I promised myself I'd put it off until I'm done with grading. Get through Christm.as and the anniversaries. But then I have a ton of stuff.
Ambien helped me sleep the last few nights. But I can't keep taking it if we're doing another cycle. But I can't do another cycle feeling like this.
I'm taking Klon.opin every day. Back up to my reg Cym dose. I want to be in a better state. I want to quell the anxiety. The anger. The worry.
I have two kinds of Tyle.nol plus something nar.cotic on my nightstand. Haven't taken any since Weds. It's tempting, though. Just a nice buzz.
But I won't.
It's too easy. Too slippery a slope.
I hate to even write this. To even admit this. I just want to get through this. do better than this.
Updated: Plans with friend have been confirmed. A few papers of decent quality. Pit is less deep, but I am still twitchy.