Saturday, December 19, 2009

pieces *updated*

I feel like a mess.

I have a bunch of crappy papers to read, for which I seem to have even less patience than usual.

I'm angry all the time. Pissed. Off.

I feel like I'm holding my breath. Probably sensory stuff. Anniversary stuff coming up.

I'm tired, still, from the surgery. Sore, but healing. But sore. Sleeping a lot.

Beginning of each day seems to bring something like a panic attack. Or low blood sugar. Or both.

*****

Dr. got all the endo. There was enough that it could have prevented implantation. We will do another cycle as soon as I start again.

Worried. Scared. For any, all outcome -- pregnant or not.

*****

I'm getting worried about the holidays. The weather is grey/white and cold. Snowed today. But things are quiet in town. I can feel that tension. Sadness. Anxiety. Two years. Falling apart.

I hate it.

*****

My friend who is supposed to stay with me over Chris.tmas while C is gone, has been out of touch. I know she has a lot going on. I *really* need to hear from her. Really need to hear. I'm worried that she's not going to come after all.

And I'm worried how I'm going to do.

*****

I have a ton of work for school. I promised myself I'd put it off until I'm done with grading. Get through Christm.as and the anniversaries. But then I have a ton of stuff.

*****

Ambien helped me sleep the last few nights. But I can't keep taking it if we're doing another cycle. But I can't do another cycle feeling like this.

I'm taking Klon.opin every day. Back up to my reg Cym dose. I want to be in a better state. I want to quell the anxiety. The anger. The worry.

Numb it.

I have two kinds of Tyle.nol plus something nar.cotic on my nightstand. Haven't taken any since Weds. It's tempting, though. Just a nice buzz.

But I won't.

It's too easy. Too slippery a slope.

*****

I hate to even write this. To even admit this. I just want to get through this. do better than this.



***
Updated: Plans with friend have been confirmed. A few papers of decent quality. Pit is less deep, but I am still twitchy.

better, though.

thank you.

6 comments:

Once A Mother said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. Stay strong, you will get through this and find your happy days again, I know how impossible this feels, but you will.

Peacexx

Tash said...

Don't worry about "better." Worry about "through." I once took a workshop on procrastination (hahahaha) and one suggestion they made was to break down your list into really really small chunks so you'd feel good about completing something really tiny. Tiny bites. And sometimes when you're feeling like this, that's a good way to manage things. Get up, (wow, some days that's enough on the list!), walk the dog, shower, eat something good for you. Period.

And I hear you on fear either way. Believe me.

Michele said...

I'm sorry. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug... somehow make this shit better. I agree with the PP. Dont worry about anything but getting through this right now. Everything else will fall into place.

CLC said...

Wishing there was something I could do to help get you through this. Offering you a virtual hug!

Anonymous said...

of course you feel like shit. the boys' anniversary is just around the corner. give yourself some space and, if you can, some love. thinking of you. - carole

Beruriah said...

Oh, I know how those papers can't help things. But I also know it's not about that. It's just that it would help things if in that area at least, something surprised you by going really really well.

I'm really sorry your friend's out of touch. Is anyone around? Thinking of you, call or email if you need to talk. Much love to you.