Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Just So You Know

The next few weeks are going to get ugly. Really ugly. Uglier.

I just succeeded in torturing myself with baby blogs. Oh, but not just any baby blogs -- blogs from infertiles who succeeded in getting pregnant. The same week that I did. Some how seeking the 36 weeker recently born was hard, but didn't bring me to tears like the second. The one who had twins, but one twin died at 22 or 23 weeks. And the other twin made it to almost 26 weeks. And is now a chubby NICU baby who smiles when she hears her mother's voice.

It was a video. I didn't have to click on it. No. But I did. Oh, I did, and my heart did a little flip flop when the smile came. Yes it did. And then the thoughts. That's what *my baby* might be doing if he had survived. If we had tried. Even though he was doomed. Even though I know we did the right thing, it still rips my heart out. And it still makes me wonder what if. What might be. In all likelihood I would have a baby or two right now, had things not gone to hell. Due date in 2 weeks. God.Dammit.

The thoughts. Oh, man, am I freaking insane. I'm not asking. I'm exclaiming. I am asserting. I am Freaking Insane. And I was feeling okay. Well, sort of okay the last day or so. Thinking about my mom. Reading all your sweet comments. Talk of ice cream. How could that be bad? I even did a load of laundry.

But I could feel it building today. Once I finished grading. Once I had my mind free to think about how to resolve this semester. And come up with nothing. Once I had time to get anxious about calling doctors. About the possibility of ever trying again.

Once I started thinking about how my sister's doctors said that probably I had incomp.etent cervix, too. That they think that's probably what caused the p-prom. Possibly. And that what happened to me was like getting hit by lightning. Fucking lightning. How do I keep beating the freaking odds?

And my sister, too? We should both buy a lottery ticket because, really, what are the odds?

I last talked to her on Saturday, by the way. Giving her some space, but emailing to stay in touch. She was okay, though she's starting to feel it, I think. Very much of the "putting this behind" her camp, whereas I just can't let go.

I think we're both screwed.


luna said...

it is so effing hard living with the what-ifs, STE. I prayed my boy would make it to 24 wks so he'd at least have a fighting chance -- but there was just no way. it is so hard to just accept that without wondering what if this, and if only that.
the time leading up to your due date has you longing for what could have and should have been. but you know as well as anyone, there is only what is, and it sucks.

I wish there was I way i could take away some of the pain you're feeling right now. but I know there is none. it does get a little easier once the day passes, but I imagine you will always wonder and long for your boys. wishing you a world of peace. ~luna

Ann said...

It is so hard to let go when all around you are reminders of what could have been. We tell ourselves to stay away from blogs, Web sites, etc. that make us feel bad, but it's so darned hard!

In the back of your mind, all you keep on repeating is, "It should have been me. Why not me?"

I'm so sorry the last few days have been so hard.

Newt said...

I'm so sorry things have gotten (even) harder. I don't know how to make the next few weeks easier on you, but I'm here to hold your hand though it.

And I'd gladly do the laundry, too, if I were closer. Thinking of you.

G$ said...

Through the depths of your sadness over the next week, just know we are here. Thinking about you, wishing we could do more for you.

Amy said...

I'm sorry. This is all so hard, all of the time. I wish I could hold your hand in person. Instead, I will send you cyber hugs and cyber hand holds!

BTW, you are not screwed in the future, there is plenty you can do for an IC. Seriously!

I'm sorry again! Thinking of you!

Tash said...

I'm so sorry -- the anticipation is just so hard. The tension leading up is just unbelievable.

Is there any way that what you two experienced is somehow genetic? Aurelia mentioned on my blog some genetic predispositions to clotting problems and whatnot that I plan to look into (further than the simple MTHFR gene). Just a thought. Because sometimes lightning finds the tall trees.

c. said...

Strangely, for me, the due date was hard but certainly not as hard as the lead up and surely not as difficult as death day itself. Wishing you some semblance of okay as the lead up continues. Nothing about this is easy, STE. I am just so sorry...but that's just so meaningless.

CLC said...

This whole thing eff-ing blows. I am sorry it's so hard right now. A lot of the other deadbabymamas told me it gets worse before it gets better. And I think it's true. I still feel like crap alot, but I now have some good days thrown in, so that is better than where I was a few months ago. I am thinking of you, and praying you find a way to get some hope back. And I am so sorry again for your sister.

Marta said...

I'm so sorry... what if's are hard; I try to avoid them because they just make my mind start to spin.

I'm also so sorry for your sister's loss - I can't imagine how hard it must be for her and for you to watch her going through it right now.

niobe said...

I know that there are a few things I do just to torture myself. I know they'll hurt me. But I just can't seem to help it.

k@lakly said...

I wish I had words for you, the I am so sorry, just rings hollow, even though I am so sorry. I hope you and your sister are able to comfort and support each other and find the answers you both need to get to that healthy living baby. i agree with tash about having the docs look for something that connects your losses, lightning strikes yes, but it would seem for both of you to get hit in nearly the same way you must have been standing in almost the exact same place.