Thursday, May 29, 2008

Friends Don't Let Friends Tranq. and Blog

Well.

Sorry for spewing like that. It was a rough night and apparently I had a lot on my mind.

I'm still having trouble articulating what's in my head. Some of it is grief, some depression, some anxiety. Thinking about starting school again next week. I actually am a lot more functional (if domestically lazy) than I was, and I'm hoping that being at school and being focused will help alleviate some of my anxiety. Nothing like diving in to my field of study. I hope.

I'm a lot less weepy than I've been. I would think it's kind of like being numb, or maybe paralyzed. I'm not *as* weighed down with grief as I was, but I feel no motion. Little strength. Perhaps it's just getting back in the habit of life again.

Which leads to a whole other set of issues (Me/NotMe), integrating who I was with whom (?) I'm becoming. Figuring out how this part of my life fits into my future. What I care about, what I want. What I can handle. What I want to put up with. I still get that sort of... reflex, whenever I get involved in something. It's not that I feel guilty about being engaged in life, I don't think. It's more like, oh yeah, this is who I am, how does this fit? Or something. It's like I'm drawn to thinking about my boys, about the horrible experiences of the past six months, about my pregnancy. The big picture part of me says, though "who cares?" This is not important like that was. And yet, it is important. I am not my loss, not my dead sons, not my failed pregnancy. But who am I?

As many blogg.ers have said, I am aware that when I behave "normally," I wonder how I am perceived. I don't want people to think I'm "over"it. I want them to respect and acknowledge the magnitude and traumatic nature of our loss. That's why I was so pissy about that birth announcement on the office window. I guess it has to do with people forgetting them. My own issues are right there on top of it, because I have always feared being alone and forgotten (yes, I'm a middle child).

I got the name of some local therapists who may have some experience with trauma and/or traumatic loss, or who may be able to refer me to someone who is. Probably a good idea for me to go, as, even though I love my shrink, this feels very different from the stuff we've dealt with. I've made some progress with some of the physicality of the trauma, but I certainly still need help with this. And I was putting together records for (potential) consults, but that's come to a screeching halt, because just looking at the dates makes me kinda panicky. I have made no phone calls, no lists. Even doing research on ce.rclages and pp.rom makes me sweat.

However.

I am beginning to think about the prospect of more children, another pregnancy, though I have this fantasy that it would happen accidentally. My tests all came back normal, though my FSH has jumped a bit. The nurse tells me this is normal for someone my age (at 35 it was 6, at 36 it was 6, at almost 38 it is 8.8). There are no indications of PCOS for the first time since I was 26, at least according to my Day 2 hormones 12 days ago. We have other issues, so the possibility of an oops is very small. And of course the fantasy leaves no room for the boatload of issues another pregnancy would stir up.

*****

And finally, it seems, we do have some good news. C has handed in his dissertation and will defend it in a week, just a couple months shy of 5 years after we moved here. He's worked so hard. I'm so proud of him, I can't even articulate it. Especially considering everything that happened in the last year. Of course, though, I have known that he could do this since the first time he talked about it when we were first dating. And I have known that he *would* do it, and do it well since he started his program.

The icing on the cake? He has been offered and has accepted a visiting assistant professor position in his department for the next year. He will be part of the faculty, he'll teach several classes, do research. It's a real job. With benefits. Hallelujah. I am so proud of him.

And it's so odd to even have something good to talk about. Not just not bad news, but good news. We are always knocking on wood. Just like we did last fall. I guess I am on guard, still, but trusting, hoping, that it will work out.

*****

Well, I go a few days without posting and look what happens. Loooooong, rambling, redundant posts. Thanks for reading this far, and thanks for coming back.

10 comments:

c. said...

What a difference one post makes!

Congrats to C. He must be so excited and proud. And good news, well, we definitely could use regular doses of that post-deadbaby. I am happy you and C have something to celebrate, STE.

Antigone said...

Congrats! We're just finishing my husband's first year of employment.

Just thinking about trying again has got to be a major step. I'm not familiar with FSH ranges. Where does 8.8 fall?

k@lakly said...

I love good news of any kind and this is GREAT! Big congrats, hope you can celebrate and relax and enjoy having some of the good back in your life.

Mrs. Spit said...

Congrats CDE.

I think there's some good stuff about the trauma in here. And I don't think it's easy to cope with. There's good stuff about coping with panic attacks, but your therapist is going to be a better resource than me.

The fitting back in part? I used to liken it to something snapping back into place. You know, when you whack it hard? And that's what it felt like. But hello, I'm the woman who cried for most of the day on Tues because they forgot about my baby at work. I'll shut up with advice now.

luna said...

there's so much I want to say. for now I'll leave it to these thoughts.

my heart was aching reading your last post. I know that sense of feeling so lost, full of sadness, angst, frustration, resentment, etc. it's a terrible place to be. I think it's a great idea to try to find a counselor/therapist who deals with trauma and/or grief. I hope you find someone wonderful to help you navigate, find your way through, stay afloat.

and huge congrats to C for all of his hard work! quite an accomplishment on the dis, and great news about the teaching gig! wonderful news.

Betty M said...

Many congratulations to C - it is a fantastic achievement. I hope that going back to school next week goes well for you and you kin find a sympathetic trauma specialist.

Aunt Becky said...

Congrats to C, that's a hugemongeous achievement and I'm proud of him, too.

STE said...

Thanks for all your good wishes and congratulations. C is in the best mood I've seen him in in years. :-)

Hoping that I can move forward, too -- never fear with the advice, Mrs. Spit. I know it's coming a from a reliable source.

Antigone, FSH is a measure of ovarian reserve; it's a hormone that signals the body to ovulate or to respond to ovulation inducing drugs. The lower the number, the better (kind of like, it takes less gas to get an engine to go faster?). I think the nurse said anything below 10 or 12 (I think 10) is something my RE will cycle with. Generally, as you age (closer to menopause), the number usually goes up.

My response to OI drugs is historically good, so I'm hoping this increase doesn't change that. I linked FSH in my post to website that talks about hormone levels. If anyone has any thoughts or input on this I'm thrilled to listen.

CLC said...

Congrats to C! What a huge accomplishment. I am so excited for you guys.

And I think it's a good idea to find someone who specializes in traumatic loss. I think that some shrinks just don't know how to handle it, just like everyone else.

Tash said...

Just the fact that you went and got those tests run is impressive to me. I can't seem to pick up the phone. To be frank, I'm not sure if I'd be more or less relieved to hear that my FSH was high/low.

Off to C's blog to see whassup and leave some congrats, that's awesome.