Friday, May 16, 2008

How was it for you? (with p.s.)

Did you go to your hospital's memorial service for the babies who didn't make it? I'm still trying to figure out if I want to go tomorrow. I might have asked this already -- sorry for the repetition. My brain is a sieve.

If you did go, what was it like? What did they do? Were you glad you went? Did you wish you hadn't? Any advice if we do go? Other thoughts?

p.s. This will be a short outdoor service. About 20 minutes, they read names, hand out roses, there is music and a brief prayer of some sort. Someone brings a dog. It's held in the "Babyland" section of the local cemetery. Also, my official EDD is 2 days after this service.


Busted said...

You know, I'm not certain that our hospital does this. It seems like most do, but it's never been mentioned to me. If there was one, I would go, but not having actually done it, I can't say if it would be beneficial or not.

Whatever you decide is the right decision I'm sure. I know Megan ( has written about her struggle deciding whether to go or not, and ultimately, she went. As a warning, she has 2 living babies as well and much of the blog is devoted to pictures of them, so if you're not up for that probably best not to visit.

Sue said...

Thanks for the suggestion, Busted. And thanks for the warning, too. Both are appreciated!

Tash said...

I did, it was brutal. It was held in the auditorium at Children's, about two months after Maddy died. (They do this twice a year, can you imagine?) Anyway, the air was so thick that immediately upon entering the room Bella burst into tears. She spent most of the time outside helping the set-ter-uppers with balloons. It was music, a slide-show, and a reading of names, and I was a mess. At one point when Mr. went to check on Bella a total stranger came and sat next to me -- just goes to show how much of a mess I must have been. Just seeing slide after slide really creamed me.

HOWEVER, I went to the candle lighting ceremony, also at the hospital in December (8 months later) and it was lovely. (inlaws standing us up, notwithstanding.) It was also outdoors, which I think made a world of difference -- all the grief seemed to just float up. Somehow when it's in a contained space like that, there just wasn't enough room.

Bonus: get to be around other people who lost children. Get grief validated. Speak the names. Downsides: takes a week to recover emotionally -- at least it did for me.

Sue said...

Tash, the first one sounds like a nightmare. Glad that the second was better.

Since it's a small town, local hospital, there will likely only 15 or 20 people there.

I'm afraid of the recovery time, despite connecting with others who've lost children/grandchildren.

Amy said...


I wish I could answer this one for you. Our service is this Sunday and yes, we are going.

I too am nervous but hoping that it gives us a little bit of closure. One day, hopefully soon we will do our own service for him.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do and will be thinking of you.

Mrs. Spit said...

Ours is next weekend. A whole group from our IRL support group is going.

I think it might be helpful, but I think you can do what you need to. It's not a test.

CLC said...

Our hospital never mentioned anything like this, and I never looked into it. I imagine it would be comforting to hear their names said and meet other parents in similar situations, but at the same time exhausting. Let us know what you decide.

Foreverloves said...

I just started reading your blog after being referred here from Busted Babymaker. My jaw has dropped to read your story because it is so similar to mine. Twin boys, born at 21 weeks on 3/14, and passed away the same day. We were IVF patients and tried for four long years (IUI didn't work for us). I will continue to read and catch up with your amazing story.

I also posted a video on Youtube which describes my story and has pictures of my sons. My username there is Foreverloves74 and if you search for Jacob Zachary (my boys names were Jacob Anthony & Zachary Ethan) you will find a video there.

God bless :)

Foreverloves said...

I also wanted to say that your boys names were almost our boys names. We nearly named them Jacob and Joshua. It was only because I dearly loved the name Zachary that we used it. It was so eerie to me to read that.

Kristin (kekis) said...

Whatever you decided, I'm sure it was what was best for you right now.

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you on your EDD today.

c. said...

I just received an invitation in the mail for ours. I can't decide if going is a good idea or not. What did you decide?