(This post started as a comment to comments from my previous post but it was long enough I figured I'd make it official.)
I feel like I could make a list of things I want to talk about, and then check things off as I go. But I get anxious just thinking about making such a list. There are so many things I need to make lists for -- and lists used to be so comforting -- but I am paralyzed.
Perhaps it's all this unstructured time (next week I start making up school work) or all the anniversaries. Maybe I'm just getting to the point where I can even bring these ideas to the forefront of my mind. The lex.apro is working, I'm more functional in a practical sense, but I feel more sad. More anxious.
And I'm so tired of it. Tired of feeling this way, tired of talking about this, tired of writing about feeling this way. Even as I'm starting to feel new, but equally ugly, difficult things. And it seems I can't put any of this into words, at least not without typing, deleting and retyping 2 or 3 times.
It's not even spewing because it's so controlled, even though it's whiny as shit. I know I'm allowed to be whiny, I'm just fucking tired of hearing it. Even though I'm not ready to let go of any of it -- the whining, the feelings, the reasons for all of it.
Maybe it's just the process. Integration.
Great.
3 comments:
I hear you STE. It's hard to write about other stuff, but it's tiring to keep writing about this. I want to "quit" this grief work too.
i used to be an obsessive list maker. I even made one right after A died. And I was getting through the days by crossing one big one and a couple little ones off the list every day. And then I stopped. And it took me months to notice that I stopped. And with it came procrastination, worse than ever before. Just hiding, I think, hibernating. I started working on it about a year ago, with very intermittent success. I have a list for this week, while the rest of the family is away. I have actually been pretty productive. But see how long it is taking me? All very normal, and I am more than sure you knew that anyway. But I thought I'd tell you anyway. Big mouth, you know.
And of course the same is true of the feelings and words-- some times we just can't deal, we just have to hold off for a bit. Hang on, it is all very fluid.
It's all just very messy.
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