(This post started as a comment to comments from my previous post but it was long enough I figured I'd make it official.)
I feel like I could make a list of things I want to talk about, and then check things off as I go. But I get anxious just thinking about making such a list. There are so many things I need to make lists for -- and lists used to be so comforting -- but I am paralyzed.
Perhaps it's all this unstructured time (next week I start making up school work) or all the anniversaries. Maybe I'm just getting to the point where I can even bring these ideas to the forefront of my mind. The lex.apro is working, I'm more functional in a practical sense, but I feel more sad. More anxious.
And I'm so tired of it. Tired of feeling this way, tired of talking about this, tired of writing about feeling this way. Even as I'm starting to feel new, but equally ugly, difficult things. And it seems I can't put any of this into words, at least not without typing, deleting and retyping 2 or 3 times.
It's not even spewing because it's so controlled, even though it's whiny as shit. I know I'm allowed to be whiny, I'm just fucking tired of hearing it. Even though I'm not ready to let go of any of it -- the whining, the feelings, the reasons for all of it.
Maybe it's just the process. Integration.