Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Went for a lovely walk with my friend S and her wonderful dog last week. She was taking a break from her dissertation work and knew I needed some puppy-therapy, so she called to invite me along. (Lucy is a gol.den ret.riever/pood.le mix and the sweetest thing on earth. She gets so excited to see me she kind of cries and then runs to get me a toy for us to play with. She's the kind of dog that makes you feel like you're her favorite. Love that.)

Well, it was a lovely walk, down a hill, then along a creek and it would have been just perfect except that it had rained the day or so before and the path was muddy. I'm not steady on my feet anyway, especially downhill. Especially if it's muddy, and therefore kind of slippery. Especially if you haven't gotten any exercise of any substance since at least August because, well, you know why. Once we got down the hill, I was okay, if slow since I'm completely and utterly the most out of shape I have ever been. I realized the last time I went on this route with her was when S was trying to get pg, and was getting tested and coming back with mixed results. She is now growing child #2.

Despite some sore muscles, I made it through the walk, and back up the hill to the car. Out of breath and sore, but okay. Actually came out of it feeling good.


I was going to start this post with "I'm back here again, I'm sitting up in the middle of the night, listening to C breathe. I am unable to move, even to take something to help me sleep."

It's true. Since Sunday afternoon, I've tumbled back down the hill. Slid on the mud, on my ass. I think it started when my sister called, and I didn't answer. I feel so conflicted. And I need to let her come to me if she wants support. But was that what she was doing? And when I was needing it most, I didn't have to ask. She probably wouldn't accept it anyway.

And I miss my boys. I miss being pregnant with them (sickness and all). I've been without them almost as long now as I was with them. Maybe longer. This is not the way it's supposed to be. And I'm supposed to go on with my life. I'm so pissed that if I ever have children, they will have a mother who is sad. I had a sad mom, too, for different reasons. And I know I won't always be this sad, but it will not be as it should. (Yes, I know, it is rarely as it should be. You know what I mean.) There will always be someone missing.

The official due date is coming up next week. I can feel myself picking up speed as I careen down this hill. Out of control. Scared. I've come to realize that, had everything gone according to plan, I probably would have 2 living sons by now. My therapist has a theory about all the dates that I keep track of. I don't even recall what it was, something about holding on to moments. Perhaps that I don't necessarily need to let go of them, but carry them with me as I move forward. Try to live my life. Even if it does feel incomplete and shredded. Even if I don't really want to.

There's some witty or poetic way to end this post, this metaphor of the muddy hill, and I don't know what it is. I just fucking hate all of this.


CLC said...

Oh, I know next week is going to be hard for you. I wish I could tell you it will be no big deal. But I am no good when it comes to advice and dealing with this. But I am here to listen.
Thanks for checking my blog again. I will post later. I am headed to a shrink today for a/d's.

G$ said...

Next week is gonna suck ass. No sugar coating here. Actually, for me it sucked up to it, then the actual day, I set aside to just feel it all and it ended up being a sad but peaceful day. Anticipation of shittiness.

I wish I could help you with the backpeddle, but I feel the same way this week. I feel like celebrating things - bdays, anniversaries, etc, are just another reminder of what should have been.

The mud slide thing makes me smile though. Fellow clutzes, unite!

Hang in there hun.

luna said...

I agree the days leading up to the due date are the worst. as g said, I hope you can set the day itself aside just for you to do whatever you want, whether it's something peaceful or going to the movies or whatever.

this is such an incredibly hard time. it sucks to be left with empty arms and pondering what should have been. it makes me angry and sad at the injustice of it all.

and remember you did make it back up that muddy hill, if a little battered for the ride.

Aunt Becky said...


Tash said...

These dates are just horrible -- the anticipation is just a nightmare. I'm so sorry. I hope your therapist was kind about it -- of course you have these dates in your head. You always will. It's a matter of moving through them that's the problem.

I'm so sorry.

Ya Chun said...

Sorry STE.
I think the anticipation maybe as bad as the actually day.
Remember your boys fondly in your heart on their due date and celebrate your time together.
I'll be thinking of you all this week.

Antigone said...

I remember a month ago thinking to myself that the due date wouldn't bother me. Just a date - no big deal. Yeah right. Mine's looming near too and when I think about it I feel like I'm going to implode emotionally.

Take care of yourself.

c. said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom, something profound that might offer comfort or consolation as *the* day grows closer. I usually just end up saying that there is nothing easy about this and that this deadbaby life just so, totally sucks. As unhelpful as it is, there's not a lot more one can say. Thinking of you, STE, as always. XO.

Busted said...

I hope you are easy on yourself next week. I know it will be so difficult to even get through it at all, but we'll all be thinking of you.

And to address your comments to me, no, you weren't overstepping at all with your comments. I really appreciate your trying to help me figure out what is going on, and feel free to offer advice or thoughts at any time.

Big hugs in the coming week.