When did I become this person?**
sad. bitter. angry. resentful.
No, I know that's not all I am. And, honestly, I've been better, done better. Done better at containing it, or rather, what? airing it, or what's the word? Like letting air out of a balloon, just a little bit before it pops from the pressure.
It seems that my first inclination was always, okay, often, to be happy for people. Wonderful news, wonderful opportunity, wonderful...wonderful.
I think of myself first these days, or immediately second. seems to be the case. How nice for you! I am genuinely happy for others. Genuinely glad that they have their accomplishment, their opportunity, their good fortune. They have worked hard, they are good, smart, deserving people. I know this. I know this. I love them and I'm happy to see them have these experiences. I am. I really am.
How nice for them. So glad they get to ___________!
See? It only goes so far. then there's a tone. bitter. a twinge. Okay, more than a twinge.
I picture myself an old wrinkled, grey, bent-over woman, like the old crone in sleeping beauty who offers her the poison apple.
And it passes, and I can let go of the bitter for a while longer, long enough to enjoy or celebrate with my friend/colleague/acquaintance.
And then later, I'm left with all these mixed feelings. Tamped down like wet sand or snow with a shovel. Down. packed down hard. It twinges a little, but I can keep moving.
I hate myself for this.
And I wonder how long it will last. This trip to Holland, while longing for Rome. Resenting Rome while I put fresh tulips in a glass on my window sill. Cat dozing on the floor in a sunbeam. Dog sighing in her sleep.
Will there always be a twinge?
Okay, yes, I know right now I do not know what the future holds. Things can change. I have to deal with the now.
*****
I feel like all i do is wish. long. ache.
I have so much. I know I do.
I heard on some TV show a long time ago that depression or grief is just longing for a broken dream, a life or event or something that didn't work out. Not being able to let go of it.
**Duh.
6 comments:
You are amazing, and wonderful and I love spending time with you.
There's no reason to hate yourself for these feelings. For f's sake, this sucks. Right now. But I get that you want to get away from them.
I wish I knew how to help with that.
i can relate to so much of this post. I know it seems sometimes like this cycle will never end. Your words really resonated with me: "I feel like all i do is wish. long. ache.
I have so much. I know I do." It stinks. I know what you mean, you have so much, but what you don't have is all that's on your mind. Thinking of you and praying it gets easier.
I often ask myself the same questions. I am sorry things are so rough for you right now.
It just sucks. :(
then we think we shouldn't feel that way.
It's good to get it out though.
*hugs*
Loving hugs, dear one...
Wishing I could make things better for you.
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