dawning

Dr. Shrink says the levels of the Rx in my blood are in a good place and I *should* be feeling better soon. Of course I should call again if it gets bad again.

More intensive therapy, possibly, if it gets worse. But it's just flickers now. Well, not flickers, but... those terrible moments of despair. They are fleeting. Were, rather. Moments. Fleeting thoughts about I just need it to stop. I just need this to be over. A bottle of pills in my purse.

This is a deeper hole. A steeper one.

But the flickers, just the one or two of them...they're scary.

The Rx is helping. I am feeling a bit brighter, better. Last week several colleagues -- even the barrista at SB -- noticed how low I seemed.

But it wavers. I am feeling better over all. Dr. Shrink is reassured by results. I am tired. Of all of this.

I don't know where I'm going. I am less panicked, especially about school. Talked to some folks. Made some arrangements about courses, completion. Not great, but better.

I'm beginning to understand, though, children are getting farther away. Having my own. Even adopting. I am not in despair yet, though maybe that's what the waves of sad are.