Friday, April 23, 2010

When did I become this person?**

sad. bitter. angry. resentful.

No, I know that's not all I am. And, honestly, I've been better, done better. Done better at containing it, or rather, what? airing it, or what's the word? Like letting air out of a balloon, just a little bit before it pops from the pressure.

It seems that my first inclination was always, okay, often, to be happy for people. Wonderful news, wonderful opportunity, wonderful...wonderful.

I think of myself first these days, or immediately second. seems to be the case. How nice for you! I am genuinely happy for others. Genuinely glad that they have their accomplishment, their opportunity, their good fortune. They have worked hard, they are good, smart, deserving people. I know this. I know this. I love them and I'm happy to see them have these experiences. I am. I really am.

How nice for them. So glad they get to ___________!

See? It only goes so far. then there's a tone. bitter. a twinge. Okay, more than a twinge.

I picture myself an old wrinkled, grey, bent-over woman, like the old crone in sleeping beauty who offers her the poison apple.

And it passes, and I can let go of the bitter for a while longer, long enough to enjoy or celebrate with my friend/colleague/acquaintance.

And then later, I'm left with all these mixed feelings. Tamped down like wet sand or snow with a shovel. Down. packed down hard. It twinges a little, but I can keep moving.

I hate myself for this.

And I wonder how long it will last. This trip to Holland, while longing for Rome. Resenting Rome while I put fresh tulips in a glass on my window sill. Cat dozing on the floor in a sunbeam. Dog sighing in her sleep.

Will there always be a twinge?

Okay, yes, I know right now I do not know what the future holds. Things can change. I have to deal with the now.

I feel like all i do is wish. long. ache.

I have so much. I know I do.

I heard on some TV show a long time ago that depression or grief is just longing for a broken dream, a life or event or something that didn't work out. Not being able to let go of it.



Sara said...

You are amazing, and wonderful and I love spending time with you.

There's no reason to hate yourself for these feelings. For f's sake, this sucks. Right now. But I get that you want to get away from them.

I wish I knew how to help with that.

Once A Mother said...

i can relate to so much of this post. I know it seems sometimes like this cycle will never end. Your words really resonated with me: "I feel like all i do is wish. long. ache.
I have so much. I know I do." It stinks. I know what you mean, you have so much, but what you don't have is all that's on your mind. Thinking of you and praying it gets easier.

wifey said...

I often ask myself the same questions. I am sorry things are so rough for you right now.

missing_one said...

It just sucks. :(
then we think we shouldn't feel that way.
It's good to get it out though.

Michele said...

Loving hugs, dear one...

CLC said...

Wishing I could make things better for you.