I'm feeling better, emotionally. A little more stable, anyway. Maybe more angry.
I still feel things bubbling up behind my eyes, catching in my throat just a bit, but that's only when I stop and think.
I just saw a link to some hahoo news or something about some bicycling champion who overcame the odds with cancer is expecting his 5th child. Sometime in October, I believe.
Fucking cancer. 5 babies.
3 or 4 months along, no sweat. See you in October.
Maybe I do just need to get over it.
I'm bitter. Sometimes it's the inital reaction, and then I'm thrilled for whoever it is who is reproducing. Sometimes it's the reverse. I'm thrilled, but then comes what C calls the hangover. (He says he feels this particularly after playing with/enjoying the children of friends. It's so wonderfully sweet, and then comes reality, or... well, something.) I get that, too.
Okay, file this under getting the worrying in nice and early: Baby Shower.
There will, no doubt, be at least one shower for the newcomer. Do I say something now about, well, as thrilled as I am for them, I don't know what shape I'm going to be in when that time comes? That baby showers are particularly hard for the IF and DBMs? After the whole bridesmaid and bridal shower thing, how do I make it clear that this reluctance is more about me then about them?
Just thinking about this makes me want to puke.
I'm sure there will be some talk, probably, about how I was right there on the plane to welcome A's baby, but somehow I can't handle a baby shower? The idea that I was in a different place then from where I am now, will that sink in or just be dismissed as favoritism so resentment can settle in.
Yeah, I like to get my worrying in early.
Well, now I'm off to the Financial Aid office so I can figure out what our options will be this year when it appears that I will not be getting an assistantship, at least not from my department. Times are tight, and my classwork will be done. Hard to justify comps and diss hours when others are taking a full load of coursework. Hoping for a poverty deferral on my loans if I have to cut way back.
So, you know, there goes babymaking, or even saving for it for a little while. Our couples counselor things we should just put all the babymaking stuff on hold until we get our shit together more. (read, I am more stable and happy.) 11 weeks till I'm 40. So. That's fun.