Friday, April 30, 2010


I'm feeling better, emotionally. A little more stable, anyway. Maybe more angry.

I still feel things bubbling up behind my eyes, catching in my throat just a bit, but that's only when I stop and think.

I just saw a link to some hahoo news or something about some bicycling champion who overcame the odds with cancer is expecting his 5th child. Sometime in October, I believe.

Fucking cancer. 5 babies.

3 or 4 months along, no sweat. See you in October.

Maybe I do just need to get over it.

I'm bitter. Sometimes it's the inital reaction, and then I'm thrilled for whoever it is who is reproducing. Sometimes it's the reverse. I'm thrilled, but then comes what C calls the hangover. (He says he feels this particularly after playing with/enjoying the children of friends. It's so wonderfully sweet, and then comes reality, or... well, something.) I get that, too.

Fucking sucks.

Okay, file this under getting the worrying in nice and early: Baby Shower.

There will, no doubt, be at least one shower for the newcomer. Do I say something now about, well, as thrilled as I am for them, I don't know what shape I'm going to be in when that time comes? That baby showers are particularly hard for the IF and DBMs? After the whole bridesmaid and bridal shower thing, how do I make it clear that this reluctance is more about me then about them?

Just thinking about this makes me want to puke.

I'm sure there will be some talk, probably, about how I was right there on the plane to welcome A's baby, but somehow I can't handle a baby shower? The idea that I was in a different place then from where I am now, will that sink in or just be dismissed as favoritism so resentment can settle in.

Yeah, I like to get my worrying in early.

Well, now I'm off to the Financial Aid office so I can figure out what our options will be this year when it appears that I will not be getting an assistantship, at least not from my department. Times are tight, and my classwork will be done. Hard to justify comps and diss hours when others are taking a full load of coursework. Hoping for a poverty deferral on my loans if I have to cut way back.

So, you know, there goes babymaking, or even saving for it for a little while. Our couples counselor things we should just put all the babymaking stuff on hold until we get our shit together more. (read, I am more stable and happy.) 11 weeks till I'm 40. So. That's fun.


k@lakly said...

Ick. The baby shower. You know, I think just a quick note, ahead of time, ( if you want to avoid the invitations altogether) with the obligatory "We are happy for you and hope for baby's safe arrival, blah, blah, but hope you understand that showers are extremely difficult emotionally for us/me and so we/I respectfully ask that you don't include us/me in any of those occasions. We/I will celebrate with you in a more private way when the time is right(or when baby arrives etc).

What do you think?

I can see your counselors point but, really, I think the procreating medical advice should come from your OB team, esp. given all you've been through and what you need in the way of medical intervention and yea, the crappy age thing. I know my OB told me that after I had Caleb, given my age (40) she was not going to tell me to wait 6mos to a year as she would have a younger pt. She told me 3 mos and go for it. Course, I couldn't stand that doc and left her practice but I think the advice there was pretty sound.

I hope 40 is a good year for you. You so deserve it.

It is what it is said...

I so like the idea of a preemptive strike...sending congratulations in advance while protecting yourself from the eventual invitation/hoopla. Folks either get it or they don't and how they react isn't really your concern (or shouldn't be).

I get that if finances don't/won't allow you to proceed now then that is what it is. However, agree that the plan regarding ART should be discussed with your RE, too.

I hope that as Spring continues to, well, you know, spring, that your mood will continue to improve and your angst lessen.

niobe said...

Okay, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think that your counselor is desperately lacking a clue. If I had waited until I was stable and happy to start moving forward... I would never have been able to take a single step. Because, at least for me, the process of moving forward, of researching all the options and deciding what I was willing to do, was in and itself healing.

But, of course, your mileage may vary and your counselor actually knows you and I don't.

On the shower thing, I'd just wait and see. Because in a few months you may be in a totally different place.

Note: one excellent excuse to get out of showers is to be "sick." Because the expectant mom won't want to be around someone who's contagious

April said...

Thinking of you today, International Babylost Mother's Day <3

loribeth said...

I'm all for the restorative power of taking a break... but I understand why you wouldn't want to take your counsellor's advice. It's one thing to take a break when you're 30 or 35, quite another at 40, especially when you're not sure just how long a break would be helpful.

Don't feel obligated to attend the shower, or to provide an explanation. You were able to attend A's shower, but it's just not possible right now. Your call as to whether you make up an excuse or tell them the real reason why.

And -- Kid #5??? Really???

B's Mom said...

I have not been to a baby shower in over two years. I don't know if I will ever go to another one again, which actually, I'm not that upset about. I didn't like them to begin with.