I made it through two years. Though the trauma, and the real ugliness was only about to begin. It's been two years, by the tick of the clock. It feels far away. I kind of feel like I'm bouncing between ignoring it, or rather, acknowledging it, but not freaking out, and freaking out. (I think that sentence needs more commas.) What I'm trying to say, is that I seem to be spinning between feeling it, really just immersing myself in the memories and the pain, and distancing myself, feeling sad, but keeping it far away. Distracting myself.
When the moments ticked by, I was obsessively playing some stupid puzzle game on FB, instead of doing work, instead of cleaning up instead of going to bed so I can get some sleep before our futile IUI tomorrow. I'm ready for C to be home already. I've been living in borderline anxiety for 10 days, avoiding the Klo.nopin and At.ivan since Day 1. I took one tonight. I figure since I haven't ovulated yet, it shouldn't do any harm. Not that there will be anything to harm anyway.
My SIL, one of C's sisters, remembered the date, and posted a very sweet status on FB, about her nephews whom she never got to meet, and their mom and dad. It rips my heart out. I'm okay until I think about that. So I don't. Much.
I've been trying to work on this project*. Women and loss/if and academia. Trying to get it done for Friday (my dad comes in on Thursday, but, oh well). It's bringing up stuff. Or rather, when I actually do anything for it, it brings stuff up. Of course, I'm trying to do this during a cycle and on anniversaries, so, you know, poor planning on my part. But I have to get this part of the project in on Friday, or 10 points per day of the top.
Thanks for your support through these difficult days.
*I want to thank everyone who sent me an email or comment volunteering to help out with my project. I haven't gotten to respond to everyone individually yet, but am anticipating that this will be a larger project, possibly a paper -- though likely not for a few months (6 or 8). I hope that you will consider participating at that time, too. I will definitely be in touch.