Sunday, January 24, 2010

Hail Mary Cycle, Day 2

It has begun.

Since I left a message at the RE's office yesterday, I fully expect an early morning phone call from the nurse, for my baseline ultrasound.

The price has gone up on the Br.avelle, relatively close to the cost of the Foll.istim, so RE said we might as well go ahead and use it. I got pg twice on the F (once, I went past 5 weeks, even), so we shall see.

We are beginning to come to terms, or rather, I guess I am. C has been pretty close all along, these last round of cycles.

I don't know what's going to happen when this fails, I mean, how I'll be. My eyes are stinging already. Probably not a good sign.

I've felt better since I had that cry. Not enough, though. I need more. And, of course, end of month hormones haven't helped. But I am more stable, more engaged. I think C is relieved.

We saw our couples counselor this week, for the first time in 3 weeks or so. She thinks she's pushing me when she says I need to realize that I'm not the only person out there who might not be able to have a baby. I need to come to terms with this. I gently, if defensively, explained to her that it is virtually impossible to do everything we have to do to try to have a biological child and, at the same time, give up hope on that happening. If there's a way to do it, I don't know what it is. She gave me this.

I know that she is trying to remind me that I have a life to live, and I can't sacrifice everything else to try to have a bio child. Or even an adoptive one.

It seems to me that she is essentially saying that I need to face facts already and give up. Get over it, as I wrote a month ago. Maybe she isn't. But that's how it seems to me. Oh, she also suggested that I was going to be missing out on being a part of my niece's life because I am not prepared to get tons of pics whenever my sister wants to send some. Because my father doesn't want to shove them in my face if I'm having a bad day.

When this cycle fails, and we move on to IVF or adoption, I think we will need to find someone who specializes in fertility/loss issues. This counselor has been very helpful in other things, but she just keeps missing the boat with these issues.

It pisses me off. And makes me feel like I'm fucked up. I know I'm fucked up, but this makes me feel like I'm even more than I thought.

Had some more acupuncture. For my back, and my anxiety. It was okay, but I was crampy from getting my period, and it wasn't as awesome as it could have been. (Though, that's like pizza: even mediocre acu is good.) It was good.

Trying to get work done. Getting somewhere, though not as far as I'd like. Anxiety is still there. Maybe it's not anxiety, but I don't know what it is, or what I need to really push past it.

Maybe it's just fully engaging with this stuff -- and my resentment towards my prof. And the fact that I'd rather think about being pg. I"m not even consciously thinking about it, not all the time, anyway.

My regular shrink thinks that I'm afraid of my own power. The way it feels when I'm really intellectually engaged, getting carried away or something.

I don't know.

At any rate.

The Hail Mary Cycle (HMC) has begun.

We shall see.


k@lakly said...

Yea, new doc is definately in order. You are not 'there' yet. It is absolute BULLSHIT for her to be telling you to quit. You will know if/when you are ready to turn a page. Let your baby making docs have those converstions with you.
And you know, I tried to stay as in touch as I could with my niece who was born the same week that Caleb should have been, and to this day, I can't tell you what day her bday is. Doesn't mean I don't love her, it just means there is other crap, my crap, that hovers there. That's just life. It's messy. You do what you need to do to feel ok with things. If that means no pics, just updates, then do that. It astounds me that people just don't get the fact that you can actually be sad about your loss and still be happy for someone else. Even if it hurts.
Argh....the gift that keeps on giving.
Everything crossed for you. Seriously.

Beruriah said...

I was so glad to read the words "but she just keeps missing the boat with these issues." This, "she says I need to realize that I'm not the only person out there who might not be able to have a baby" really fricking pissed me off. That sounds like she doesn't get it, and like she's simply spouting the common wisdom among people without experience. Obviously I'm not there, but it does seem to me like you need someone with more knowledge of infertility and loss. But you already know that. I'm just agreeing. And it makes me so upset to think that professionals can say something that really sounds more like what a mother says to her child that wants chocolate, not plain, milk, than like a helpful statement.

I hope this week is productive in many ways. I'm around.

Michele said...

Saying a prayer and hoping for this HMC with you.

Betty M said...

Hoping for you too.
Definitely find a counsellor specialising in infertility - one advantage of the system here is that it is a requirement of a clinic to have such a person for all IF patients. I didn't use the one attached to my clinic but plenty of people swore by her. She just got it in a way that those who have never dealt just dont.