I can't seem to get school work done.
I can't seem to get housework done.
I can't get words written.
I can't even write it. Not in one sentence. I can't.
I have a bad feeling about this cycle. Oh, I was all hopeful for a little while. Mid-2ww optimism, I guess.
I can't seem to give this up. Yet, I can't seem to be successful at it, either.
I can't make a baby.
I know, I'm not the only one.
I hear my sister's voice in my head, saying, "Why not have hope? It's not going to hurt more if it doesn't work and you have hope." So why does it feel like it does? Maybe it's a respite, hope. Imagining a good outcome. It takes me out of this place. It's landing back here that hurts so much. That and the crushing disappointment. Fear of...what? I don't even know.
Facing facts. Maybe that's it.
Moving forward. Onward. Away. Can't seem to move.
Why is being pregnant so important? A child is the goal. Parenting is what I want to do. After all, my body doesn't really do pregnancy well anyway. Puking, clotting, water breaking, etc.
I want it so much. And I don't know how much longer I can do this.