Sunday, January 17, 2010


I can't seem to get school work done.

I can't seem to get housework done.

I can't get words written.

I can't

I can't even write it. Not in one sentence. I can't.


I have a bad feeling about this cycle. Oh, I was all hopeful for a little while. Mid-2ww optimism, I guess.

I can't seem to give this up. Yet, I can't seem to be successful at it, either.

I can't make a baby.

I know, I'm not the only one.

I hear my sister's voice in my head, saying, "Why not have hope? It's not going to hurt more if it doesn't work and you have hope." So why does it feel like it does? Maybe it's a respite, hope. Imagining a good outcome. It takes me out of this place. It's landing back here that hurts so much. That and the crushing disappointment. Fear of...what? I don't even know.

Facing facts. Maybe that's it.

Moving forward. Onward. Away. Can't seem to move.

Why is being pregnant so important? A child is the goal. Parenting is what I want to do. After all, my body doesn't really do pregnancy well anyway. Puking, clotting, water breaking, etc.

And yet.

I want it so much. And I don't know how much longer I can do this.


Noelle said...

I am sorry that you are going through such pain. I understand.

It is hard to have hope. So hard.

Mrs. Spit said...

Stuck is such a hard place to be.

Betty M said...

Sorry that this is so very hard.

Reba said...

I understand and I wish it weren't so hard. Hard to get pregnant, hard to stay pregnant, hard to believe it can happen to anyone so why not us? hard to believe it could happen to you. I remember so well and I hope this 2ww has a happy outcome.

Anonymous said...

Checking in--almost fell down the stairs from all the crossed toes tripping me up, and then almost passed out from the bated breath. Point is, I'm still hoping for you. And I don't know if hope makes disappointment worse, but it sure does throw it into relief. Figure and ground. Highlight and shadow. Some people might call this "perspective," but no one can tell you if it's worth it or not! --S.

Michele said...

Oh hon... I'm sorry; I wish I could say something- do something- more

Tash said...

Stuck is terrible, a real purgatory. But honestly Sue, I think just deciding to go back and try again (regardless of what happens) is a real step towards "unstuck." It's forward progress, no matter how slow and painful it may be, and you should be amazingly proud of yourself for that.

Hang in there, and know I'm hanging with you.

Once A Mother said...

thinking of and holding out hope for you. so much of this resonated with me...

k@lakly said...

I'm with Tash. Coming back from where you have been and taking this enormous step to even TRY again is most definately UNSTUCK. Now you are in a different place, a place of options where before you didn't feel as though there was anything worth trying at all.
I still have hope for this cycle. Or another if not this one.
And I will be here with you, no matter what. Always.