Wednesday, August 5, 2009

What I didnt write about in the earlier post

I'm afraid it's coming back. I'm hoping it's just seasonal cues, the smells and the light of August. I find myself going back to posts from a year ago, when it was starting to get really bad.

I haven't been sleepng well since I got back from Chi. Either too long or not nearly enough.

I cried today -- just now while brushing my teeth -- like I haven't cried in weeks, months, really. I think it's been building.

Sort of an upsurge in grief in DBL. Or at least an articulation of it. Things are starting to trigger me, more easily, I mean.

Just here and there. I met with the pharma and with my shrink, both of whom seemed pleased with my state of mind -- as I presented it today.

Maybe it's delayed crap from my trips to CA and Chi. And planning in starting TTC again, in September or Oct. Meeting with the RE on the 10th to make a plan. Pharma has already talked to RE about use of A-Ds. So probably I won't have to make a change. Perhaps a reduction, based on how I'm doing at our next appt. Not looking good from here, tho.

Oh, I just want to sleep. I just want to curl up and cry.

Denial. Not just a river in Egypt.


Tash said...

Just yesterday, Cecily had a post up about suddenly getting a trigger and misisng her boys and feeling like she was going to shreds after years: here.

Anyway, I think my response to you might be what I said to her, which is: these are valid feelings. This isn't craziness, or drama. You deserve to have these moments, and unless they're overwhelmingly debilitating, sometimes maybe try just moving through them. Acknowledging the tears, the sadness, the fear. Realize it's a moment, not a recurrence. Come here and write about it, but don't ever feel badly about doing so.

This is tough stuff, S, but you're not alone here. Not by a long shot.

niobe said...

I think Tash has it exactly right. You're in my thoughts.

c. said...

I find being back home after I've been away always puts me in a terrible state of mind. It takes me days, sometimes even weeks to recover, to feel okay again.

Maybe it's just coming back home after being away. Maybe it's more. In any case, I hope you are able to work through the feelings. Know that you're in my thoughts, Sue. XO.

erica said...

Thinking of you and hoping for you. You've been through so much in the past few weeks, and getting ready for TTC can be an emotional minefield all by itself.

Ya Chun said...

there's alot going on right now, auntie, I think it is a fine time to be emotional.

I don't know if I would go back and re-read old posts though (I think that is what you meant here). Those were dark days, best left in the past.

And, in reference to your previous post, of course you love that little niece so much- that is the wonder of that relationship!

Michele said...

Oh sweetie... Of course all these things have added to your plate and stress levels. It's no wonder you are feeling this way. No wonder at all. I'm sure the TTC plan is going to add a new dimension; I know it did for us.

Sending you big hugs...

Betty M said...

I would agree with Tash here. Thinking of you.

k@lakly said...

Joining the Tash peanut gallery, she got it right on. You feel what you need to feel. There is no right way or 'proper' amount of time, if there is any amount of time, in which we are suppposed to heal.
You know we are all here, ready to listed and be leaned on, when you need it.

loribeth said...

I'm just winding down my own vacation & trying to catch up on my blog reading & commenting before I head back to work tomorrow. I'm sorry you've been feeling down again lately. I think Tash got it right. You never really know quite what's going to trigger a resurgence of those old feelings.

I often find when I find myself sliding into anxiety mode, if I take a good look at what's been going on, it's never one thing that's made it happen -- more often than not it's one little thing after another that just keeps piling up & piling up until everything starts to come tumbling down on top of me. And sometimes there's one more thing that triggers the avalanche. (((HUGS)))