Back to Life

(or, "fee.ling stran.gely fi.ne")

Writing from school. I came in to try to get some stuff done, but I'm not being productive. The "bullpen," as we call it, is totally empty, and re-arranged, somewhat. A good excuse to be distracted.

Argh. Trying to get motivated. Perhaps getting some words out will help.

Bleah.

So. Last Monday, C and I met with the RE. Whom we *love.* Well, not *love*, but you know what I mean. Sitting with him in the consult room, it's oddly comfortable. We can joke a little, he can tease, to lighten the tension that must be coming off me in waves.

He was great, very sensitive to what we went through, and my reaction to it. We talked about everything related to trying again, from what meds I'd been on, to the seizure, to what we should do about trying again, 2 years later. He's running tests, getting me new scripts, putting me back on all the stuff I was on before, when it worked. Here's hoping. And "I just want you to get pregnant."

When we got there, I was pretty anxious and distracted. C and I had a stupid argument over coffee, and I was futzing with my "Trust Women" wristband. Since I'm not taking anything for anxiety or sleep anymore (not officially, anyway - still working on the sleep thing.) RE told us he's doing acup.uncture now. He had been ill around the time we lost the boys, and found it really helpful, did his research, and learned the practice. He thinks it would be a good idea for me to start doing it, even before we start cycling. Kind of an emotional reset, he said. Well, I'm open to it.

He gave me a sample by putting a needle in my scalp. I don't know if it was the needle, placebo effect, or just being in good hands, but I relaxed A LOT. Put down the wristband. I felt better. for most of the night, and the few days following. Plus, insurance will cover it. Also, he suggested coming to see him for the a-p during the pregnancy, to help with nausea, if I need it. Sign me up.

He gave us some OB names from a group he trusts implicitly (my shrink has heard great things about one of them, too), so we need to call and start setting up meetings to see if we click.

I left there feeling kind of high. Hopeful. Like I did at the beginning of many cycles when we were in the thick of treatment. Really scary. On the way back, after picking up 3 of my 5 prescriptions, C and I were talking about "if this works..."

Of course, I have a great history of conceiving with RE's help -- 4 out of 9 cycles (44%). Only the pregnancy with the boys stuck, though. I lost the others around 5 weeks, give or take.

But we're going in much more educated about what we need to make a pg happen, and stick. We're going to cycle the next time I get my period, which should be very early in September. Figuring the first cycle would be a bust, that gives us October and November to try to get a summer baby. Yes, that's right, we are trying to control and plan for something. Does that totally jinx us? Probably.

We talked about a lot of things in that meeting. I guess after all we've been through, and getting treatment from this doctor for almost 2 years before getting "successfully" pg, I feel comfortable with him, and confident in him. And I feel like I can ask for what I need. If he doesn't agree, or is not comfortable with my request, he talks to me like a person and tells me why. He even uses "big words." And I like the idea of being able to see him during the pregnancy, because I feel like, if I have concerns, I can ask him about them. He's not perfect, but he treats me like an intelligent human being. I appreciate that. And, the more care, the better.

*****
So, I guess I'm feeling hopeful. Possibly even...optimistic. It's weird. And scary. Considering the mind-fuck that is pg after loss, I guess I need to go in as strong as possible. Did you hear that? Pregnancy after Loss. I'm assuming I'm going to get pg. Sigh. Who the hell am I?

*****
School starts in 10 days. I have to attend a training, do some more work for my summer studies and put my syllabus together. Oh, and start working on my readings for the beginning of the classes I'm taking. Gearing up and getting invested. It feels like a lot. And yet, here I am, taking it all on. Who is this person?

Bring on the acupuncture. I'm going to need something to get through this fall.