Friday, August 28, 2009

Getting to the point

I'm fucking scared to death.

Maybe scared isn't the right word. I don't know what is. Sad. Anxious. Apprehensive.

Afraid to hope.

Thanks to all of your comments/info/suggestions -- and some conversations with nurses and my sister -- I decided to forego the Foll.istim and ordered the Bra.velle. With insurance, our cost was about $750. The cheapest of the medications.

$750 just to try. And assuming the first cycle won't work, $750 just to get started on this path again. Then, another $500 or $750 next month, and the next. The old familiar roller coaster. Again. And again. BFNs. Chemical pgs. God knows what else.

Some of the tests we did didn't come back with great results. Not disastrous, but enough for me to know that this is going to be another long road.

And, once again, considering my age... I just want to hide under the covers.

Or eat a lot. A lot. I was doing WW, and lost 5 lbs, which, while not a lot, has made a little bit of difference in the way my clothes fit. I'm not quite as uncomfortable. or at least I wasn't until I had a twis.ted frosty for lunch the other day, and pizza and about 15 Sta.rburst candies. To start with.

Anxious? Yeah, well, I guess so. Me? An emotional eater? You think?

Classes started this week, and I seem to have a nice group. So far. Fingers crossed. A good start anyway. The classes I'm taking start next week.

I have an acupuncture appointment at 5:30 today. I finally got up the courage and the focus (been meaning to for days... weeks) and called. The first session is always an hour, I guess, even though one of the nurses at my clinic said I would probably only need a half an hour, since he's familiar with me. Ah well.

I'm afraid I'm going to completely fall apart at my appointment. I mean, it's not like he's never seen me cry. I've just been getting progressively more and more...anxious and sad and afraid as we get closer and closer. With each step. I expect my next cycle to start in the next week or so.

I can't think of the metaphor. With each step we take toward starting this process again, I feel both hope and dread.

I don't think there's anything I can do about it.


Michele said...

Oh sweetie... The roller coaster... It is scary and it sucks. One day at a time... Just cherish each day. And hopefully, that will end in a happy, full term pregnancy.

Sending you lots of hugs...

Julia said...

I don't think I was ever in a more conflicted/oscillating but also angry place in this whole process than when we were getting ready to start trying again. It's all very understandable of course, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with.
Thinking of you.

Aunt Becky said...

It's a complete roller coaster, love. Hang tight.

Martin said...

Just the very best of luck to you guys.

luna said...

thinking of you, sue, as you get closer to these next steps. it's exciting and scary for sure. just hold on tight.

charmedgirl said...

oh my god's a crazy process. a crazy-making process- even without the history of loss. try to hang in there!! ugh. i wish there was something better to say than 'hang in there' know.