Sunday, August 9, 2009

Re: I do not know, for Mrs. Spit

This post+ started out as a kind of long comment to a post written by Mrs. Spit. It turned into a long, kind of rambling post.

Mrs. Spit, you did it again. I have a lump in my throat and tingling behind my eyes. I have seen that same image, 10 years into the future, and it horrifies me every time. I try to get used to the idea, but it just makes me more sad.

Since my sister had her baby, alive and well, lots of people have told me I will be next. Or they ask me if her success gives me hope. Umm, kind of, but not much. We have similar, but not identical problems. They overlap with the IC. Even the doctor who did my TA.C suggested all would be well, just like with A.

I still have age, mthfr, and resources counting against us even conceiving again, let alone carrying to term.

I visited my sister a week after the birth, two weeks after she and her husband moved into their not quite completely built house. Contractors were there everyday, finishing miscellaneous projects.

One day, I was sitting in the family room, holding my sleeping niece. It was just the two of us, and as I held her against me (her head next to my heart, of course*), I bounced my knee to give her some motion, keep her comfy.

The General Contractor (GC), who was a nice, friendly, chatty guy, walked by us, and smiled.

"Aww, what a natural mom! You have kids?"

"Uh, no. Not yet!" Fake smile. Deep breath.

He kept walking. Thank goodness. But all I could think about was the boys, and that horrible night. And I wished I had something better to say. Everyday, I do.

I had to shake my head, and silently laugh at the time. I think maybe because these questions come from everyone. There I was, in this safe place, with people who understand what I've been through first hand. And it's here, too.

(Actually, I usually laugh - bitterly - when I recount the awful things people say. Maybe I'm smug, because I know how deeply these otherwise very nice people are putting their repsective feet in their mouths. And they would likely be horrified if they thought about it for a second.)

It seems like there's just no good answer. I just realized that Julia from I Won't Fear Love has a post at GITW today about dealing with questions and and inappropriate comments. She asks some good questions; I guess her post was in my head as I wrote today.

Mrs. Spit, when I was first married, I, too, talked about having a bunch of kids. Or at least 2 or 3. Now? Will we get one? Can we bear another loss? Our issues are not as clear and definite as yours. I can't imagine the pain of trying to beat those odds, the risk not only to your child, but to you. And for the Mister. The potential for loss is just...daunting.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your words often speak my thoughts about this whole rotten experience. And so eloquently.

I am not one to say a little prayer. But I will speak a wish for all of us:

May we all find some peace on this journey.

+links and formatting to follow when I can get to the computer.

*ramblings about being with the baby to follow...eventually.


Mrs. Spit said...

"I wished I had something better to say, every day I do".

Yes. That's the horror and the tragedy of this situation. We always wish. And we don't have something better to say.

c. said...

Yes, Sue. Yes. XO.

wifey said...

We've always said we want six kids. Sometimes I wonder if my six miscarriages are due to my assumptions.

Oh, and I've given you an award. Check out my blog!

Mirne said...

Indeed ... may we all find peace on this journey.

Michele said...

yes... peace...

Ya Chun said...

peace would be really nice

erica said...

Echoing your wish.

CLC said...

The uncertainty of the future is frustrating. I wish we all had a crystal ball.