Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Is it worth it? *edited *ps

Having a child. Risking the loss.

The hassle, the money, the lack of sleep, the worry.

Everyone tells me that the love and the joy of watching your child grow up makes it worth all that.

I guess I'll know when/if the fear of the loss and hassle are outweighed by the anticipation of love and joy I recall having. So intense I didn't even realize it at the time. But is the fear more? Is it a cop out to say no, I'm done? I'm done because of the fear?

Or, screw the hassle: I want it, because of those that happiness. Where does that come from, that joy?

When did you know you were ready? Or that you were done? What told you so?

*Edited: This is not to say that people choose not to have children because they are a hassle. I am fully aware that people have wonderful, fulfilling lives without children. What goes into the decision? Is it a matter of coming to terms with it or simply knowing, we are done.

And when I speak of fear, I am strictly speaking of my own.

*PS Tash said this all much better on her blog. Check it out.


Michele said...

Honestly, I havent felt "ready" to try again either time. But when we conceived Alexander, there was such joy-even with the fear and the knowledge that we SHOULD have had Nicholas, Sophia, and Alex. I wouldnt give back that joy, even though the heartache of losing him too was horrible- and still is. I try to hold onto that right now. Am I ready to do this? Is any of us ever ready? Love is worth everything we pay... Without the risk of the hurt we cant dream for the joy.

Honestly, though, somedays I just want to give up. The hurt just hurts so much...

Anonymous said...

I've thought I was "done" several times but when it comes down to actually declaring it and moving on I feel such a deep sadness that I know I'm not ready. I am afraid I don't know how to stop, that I could spend the rest of my days trying and trying for what might never be. I keep thinking that someday either I'll have a baby or I'll know that I am done. Not there yet after four years of trying.

CLC said...

I don't think there's a clear answer. But I didn't want to throw in the towel without trying at least one more time. It's a terrifying time, but at the same time, it has given me some hope back. I think you will know if you can do this one more time. My therapist used to tell me that I should wait until I know that I can accept the possibility of another loss. I think that is unrealistic because who would ever accept it before it's happened, but I have always considered it a possibility. That won't make things any easier if it happens, but at the same time, I don't think I am sticking my head in the sand.

G$ said...

I never really made the decision. It was always there. I am fearful that failure will crush me, but I will still try, try, try until I am a shell of the person I once was.

Tash said...

I think some people are frankly still *in* the decision when the crap hits the fan, so it's not so much starting over as keeping going, KWIM? Others, there is a definitive end and another beginning, and making the decision the second time around is full of new variables and outliers and obviously a whole new knowledge of how things can explode.

I'm not saying either is better/worse, and obviously people have had all sorts of outcomes with both. It just is. It's really tough. I keep thinking about my husband looking at Bella do something amazing about six months after Maddy died, and telling me, "How could we not want another?" and me looking right back at him and saying, "How could I possibly lose another?"

loribeth said...

Almost my first words to the dr were "when can we try again?" & as soon as I could, we did.

But nothing happened, & we weren't getting any younger (I was almost 39 by the time we went for help) -- so we started fertility testing, & then treatment. Several rounds of clomid, & three IUIs with injectables over the next 18 months, and I had to stop. I was a total wreck. I didn't WANT to stop, but the physical, mental, emotional & financial costs were becoming pretty heavy, even before trying IVF, & when I took a good look at the situation, I knew the odds of success were not in our favour anyway. It was NOT an easy thing to do, though. It's been almost 8 years now since we stopped treatment, & there are still days when I wonder how the heck I got to this point in my life.

My dh, on the other hand, always said he just wanted one child -- and for him, our Katie was it. He was the one who told me it was time to stop treatment, & I think he was very relieved when we finally gave up the chase.

k@lakly said...

Yes it's worth it but MAN it comes with a lot of stuff you just can never be prepared for, but that's life with or with out kids. You can't know what it is going to give you. All you can do is decide to pony up or walk away. And as I have come to understand much to my own dismay, it's not about what happens to you, it's(life) is about how you live with the stuff that happens. Good or bad, that's how it works.