And for what it's worth, EVERYONE has been saying it's not my fault. One of my greatest skills is not believing good things about me. Or not-bad things. I think that it's having some expert completely uninvolved, uninterested saying it, maybe, that helps.
I thought I had this under control, but looking through the records brought everything up. I still don't know what happened with Joshua, but right now I can live with the question.
Not that I don't/didn't/haven't appreciated all the support. It's all stuff I needed to hear. Need to hear. From people who love me, who are involved. I couldn't have gotten this far without you.
I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe you. And C, as he hugs away my meltdowns, and my shrink. And the grief counselor. And, yet, even as I type this, I am uncomfortable believing.
It's just part of my neurosis to be resistant. I could list a dozen other things, good things I didn't want to believe about myself. Yes, I'm just that neurotic. And this is SO huge.
I told the nurse at my RE's office (I called to talk to him about Dr. Mensch) that with IC, I feel like I can believe it's not my fault. And she said, "Sweetie, it was never your fault." And I couldn't talk for the tears.