Friday, March 27, 2009

Believing ** (mostly)

Thanks, everyone!

And for what it's worth, EVERYONE has been saying it's not my fault. One of my greatest skills is not believing good things about me. Or not-bad things. I think that it's having some expert completely uninvolved, uninterested saying it, maybe, that helps.

I thought I had this under control, but looking through the records brought everything up. I still don't know what happened with Joshua, but right now I can live with the question.

Not that I don't/didn't/haven't appreciated all the support. It's all stuff I needed to hear. Need to hear. From people who love me, who are involved. I couldn't have gotten this far without you.

I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe you. And C, as he hugs away my meltdowns, and my shrink. And the grief counselor. And, yet, even as I type this, I am uncomfortable believing.

It's just part of my neurosis to be resistant. I could list a dozen other things, good things I didn't want to believe about myself. Yes, I'm just that neurotic. And this is SO huge.

I told the nurse at my RE's office (I called to talk to him about Dr. Mensch) that with IC, I feel like I can believe it's not my fault. And she said, "Sweetie, it was never your fault." And I couldn't talk for the tears.

**And yet...

9 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I am so glad that you could hear him and believe.

k@lakly said...

That must feel about a million pounds lighter. And they are so right, it was never your fault.
Never.
xxoo

Antigone said...

Absolutely not your fault. You've done so much. Worked so hard.

Aunt Becky said...

Never, EVER your fault, Sue. EVER.

Betty M said...

It was never your fault. I am so pleased Dr Mensch lived up to his billing and has a reason and a potential plan for you.

G$ said...

Fault sucks in the mindf*ck. I like your doctor.

Amy said...

Wow, sounds like I have a lot of catching up to do! Dear, it was never your fault...never, never, never!
Sending you love and peace!

loribeth said...

Sounding like a broken record here... but NO, it was NEVER your fault!! (((hugs)))

Michele said...

It is hard to believe, but hard or not, it is true. None of this was any one of us's fault. We loved our babies completely. It sucks that this happened- but our faults it wasn't.

Sending you big hugs.