Sunday, March 29, 2009

Questions and thoughts

Have you found it difficult, since blogging, to get ideas down on paper? I mean with a pen and a notebook? I used to be a har.d co.re long hand kind of girl, and now I just feel disorganized. Thoughts?

*****

I have felt extremely disconnected since my computer bit the dust. The black.berry is great, but not for posting or commenting much.

Anyone have any recommendations? I was using an excellent iB.ook that lasted 4 and a half years and I may go with the next iteration of it, but it's a lot of cash to lay out at once, even with the student discount. How about those Net.books, The little computers? They're very cute, but I may be too old and decrepit to type and or read that screen. Or other laptops? Del.l, etc.? Having been a Mac girl for a while I don't know the brands or reputations. I have Consumer Re.ports, but not the patience to go through the site. I welcome all comments, suggestions and advice. Well, the nice ones, if you know what I mean.

*****

Well, I've been on an emotional roller coaster since my conversation with Dr. Mensch, but I'm beginning to feel like maybe we can do this again, and.... well,..... I've gotten that little jump in my chest when I think that we might have a living, healthy baby after all.

I go back and forth about what does he know vs. the symptoms were close to other things vs. REALLY wanting to believe that a TAC could solve all our problems. But it seems like a miracle device and I'm wary.

Has anyone worked with Dr. Mensch before? He's based at U of Chi.cago and has done about 500 of these TACs (transa.bdominal cer.clage). Very knowledgeable and passionate on the phone, seems very accessible, great office staff. Excellent credentials. His last name begins with an H. If you've worked with him before, what was your experience like? Do you have any advice for working with him or any questions I should ask him? Warnings? Concerns?

Anyone else with IC get a TAC with another doctor? I'd kind of like to talk to others to see if they have similar responses. Any advice in getting one or not?

Thoughts, please?

*****

It seems I'm going through all the grieving all over again. Not reliving it, well, yes, reliving it, but with the perspective of IC, rather than "oh, what a terrible, tragic, fluke" and feeling no control, but totally responsible. Also, hearing this doctor say what he did about how we absolutely did the right thing in inducing, saving me from potential infection and my baby from a short, painful life of severe disability.

Letting go of Jacob now seems like an inevitable thing, as hard as it was, a safe and kind thing. I don't know, I can't say it right. The doctor didn't really address the loss of Joshua, but aside from assuming that my cervix probably was responsible for his demise and the collapse of the cranial structures (that and the muscles of my uterus, just from day to day living), I'm finding just a little bit of peace there. Just a little bit.

Somehow, with one conversation, I have been, well, absolved. Our loss has gone from no answers, from my personal failing to the failing of a part of my body. Talk about a paradigm shift.

And when I off-handedly said that every doctor we worked with mentioned crystal balls, he said, briskly, "what? no, no crystal balls. You don't have to go through this kind of loss again."

Now, we all know that anything can happen, but I can't tell you the comfort of working with a doctor who doesn't shrug his shoulders, and talk about crystal balls.

7 comments:

jaded said...

you are referring to dr. haney, are you not? I have heard wonderful things about him.
another 'Jesus-like' figure would be dr. george davis of nj (in my backyard) I have already met with him and he is great. he does phone consults as well.
if i were you, I would google 'abbyloopers'. it is an Incomp. cervix support group and you will have the opportunity to speak with others in our boat.
best of luck to you, and i am so glad you have some answers. but in short, you are definitely dealing with one of the best. i am going to have an abdominal cerclage performed (God willing) in a future healthy pregnancy.
you can email me with more questions if you have them: jaded_me0223@yahoo.com
hugs,
j

Tash said...

Hahaha, a friend from long, long ago just sent me a lovely handwritten letter wanting to reconnect and the first thing I did was send her an email -- hoping she still has that account, because Jeebus! How in hell does anyone write a letter anymore? With punctuation and stuff and no spellcheck? WTF?

I'm sooo so glad you found this doc. Is it a magic bullet? I think we all know the answer to that. But anything, ANYTHING, that gives you some hope and courage and strength and the ability to see what happened through a less-guilt-tripped lens is worth it. At least to me it would be. I know you asked a few posts ago what the most difficult thing was about being a mom, and let me tell you S, you've already done the most difficult thing. Knowing that letting go is what is best for your baby. No parent should ever have to do that. That beats a diarrhea on a plane attack any day.

loribeth said...

I'm old enough (erk!) that I had to write all my college term papers longhand & then type them up. My journalism school class was the very first to work on computers, in our last term. When I first started working on a computer regularly, I would still compose everything longhand, then type & revise on the PC.

These days, there's very little I write longhand anymore, aside from maybe a few lines in a greeting card. I even find my hand aching when I'm on the phone with someone & trying to take notes!! I have a huge collection of beautiful bound blank journals, gathering dust, because it seems like such a chore to write my thoughts out longhand now. Blogging is much easier (& more fun!!).

Michele said...

We'll be getting a cerclage this pregnancy, although I havent had one in the past. Dr. Bailey has performed hundred and hasnt lost a baby, he tells me, so that makes me feel a little comforted.

I, too, feel like I'm starting the grieving all over again. The whole new pregnancy thing does it to me. I miss my babies and, at the same time, worry for my new one(s). It's so hard.

I struggle with longhand too. I used to swear by it. Now I cant do it!

Aunt Becky said...

When I try to write stuff down, my hands hurt. How sad is that?

I don't know anything about the doctor you speak of but I do have 2 things to add:

1) I know a ton of people who work at UofC and can find out.

and

2) It's an amazing hospital.

Should you come out here, please let me know so that I can tell you where to stay and all that stuff.

*hugs*

~S said...

Hi, there. First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I have only recently found your blog, but wanted to comment.

I had my TAC placed by Dr. H. a year and a half ago after the loss of our daughter, Grace. Since then I've had 2 miscarriages and some secondary infertility and haven't had a chance to try it out yet, but I did have a fantastic experience with Dr. H. We have contacted him about MANY things since then, and he has always been as passionate, caring, and knowledgeable about those issues as he is about the TAC. He is nothing short of incredible.

It sounds like others around you have had experience with him, but if you want to know anything else (like how to get a private room!), then please feel free to email me at indianaopenwindow (at) yahoo (dot) com. Also, if you haven't done it already, check out the yahoo health group, a.bbyloopers.

Gibson Twins said...

My husband is an IT guy and obviously builds our tower from the ground up per se (likes to). But for my laptop it's always a Dell. Current one has lasted me 5 years. I just bought a new one because am so happy with old one and it was under $450 for what my husband says is "more than I will ever need". Plus they come in cutesy colors too :)