Friday, January 23, 2009


When I got the announcement that K was finally home with B and their kids, I cried. I also forwarded it to my family, as B and I have been friends so long, I thought they'd be interested.

My brother responded with an email that said something to the effect of "enough about K, what are you up to?"

I cut and pasted (and edited a little) the two weeks of narrative of the two weeks of hell, and emailed it to him, told him that I had been busy trying to deal with all this. I told him I had a blog (my huge mistake), but please not to do a search for it. I trusted him not to read my blog.

But he did.

There were one or two paragraphs in the narrative that were not kind in reference to my brother. To which he took offense.

He sent me this long email ranting about familiar issues he has with me and my sister, and talking about what he went did during the week he was here (acknowledging it was nothing compared to what we went through). He talked about stuff I knew, stuff I didn't know, about that week. How he dropped everything to be here, in the middle of buying a house, planning a wedding.

He took a week's vacation that he was supposed to used for his honeymoon so he could be here with us. So he lost a week's pay when he took his three-week honeymoon to Spain this summer.

Other stuff, too.


I received his email when I was running out the door to take Stella to training class, scanned it, and told him that I thought I asked him not to read my blog and I would write more later. He wrote back saying he didn't read the blog, just the document I sent.

He lied. I just saw his activity on my hit analyzer from his work computer yesterday. He spent about 10 minutes reading my blog.

He lied.


k@lakly said...

That sucks. Although I knwo it would be hard for me not to want to read a blog of my sibs if I knew they had it but I hope I would respect their wishes if they asked me not to.
The thing with the vacation time and work was a choice by him to do it and it's a bit unfair of him to guilt you now that he had to 'lose' a weeks pay to go to Spain, for Gods sake, for 3 weeks, for gods sake, when you lost your babies, forever. No doubt you'd give up a lifetimes pay to have them.
I'm sorry he violated you like that. I hope it doesn't inhibit your writing in the future.

Sue said...

Hey, K. I knew I was taking a risk even letting him know it existed, but what really gets me is that he lied about not reading it. I think that might be worse.

m said...

Oof. This is rough. I wish you patience dealing with his discovery and then dishonesty.

The attempts at guilt would be a little harder for me to deal with. I just ditto everything k@lakly says. I hope you can still find a place you feel safe enough to write what you really need to say.

charmedgirl said...

hey there's alot of this going around lately!! i just caught my nosy neighbor reading mine...from her house...after snooping on my computer!! you can read all about it over at charmedlife if you want.

anyway, it SUCKS. it's like two worlds colliding. he read it and lied, oh well, that's on him really. you just keep doing what you're doing. will you confront him on lying? it just pisses me off that he read something private and made it about him.

Tash said...

"How he dropped everything to be here, in the middle of buying a house, planning a wedding.

He took a week's vacation that he was supposed to used for his honeymoon so he could be here with us. So he lost a week's pay when he took his three-week honeymoon to Spain this summer."

You know, boofuckinghoo. I'm really sorry but anyone looking for brownie points for taking some time out to be with someone (a relative even!) who has suffered a loss as big as yours is really missing the point. And making it about them. And brother? It's not about you. A lot of people shuffle schedules and go through hardship in order to grieve with their families and they don't ask for thanks or kudos, they just do it. And if you didn't want to do it in the first place (which I'm guessing is what you're bristling at in Sue's writing) you shouldn't have gone. Just showing up and getting shuttled to a hotel doesn't make you a hero. It's what you do then and in the aftermath that makes you a decent, compassionate human being and sibling. Believe me, I know.

Time to think about what you sacrificed to be there AND what you actually DID that week AND what support or even sympathy you've doled out over the past year vs. what Sue and C went through that week and beyond. And if you're still not getting it, I really think it's time to stop reading here and go google some information on how to support someone who is grieving.

Sue, I really hope you keep writing. This blog is about you, not him. You. Peace to you.

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry, that's a tough thing to deal with. It really hurts to be lied to, I'm sure he doesn't mean for this to add to your worries but I can't see how he can't see that this will hurt.

CLC said...

Ouch, that hurts. I am sorry. I don't know what to say. On one hand, I don't know many people who would be able to look at someone's "diary" and not open it. On the other hand, there's no excuse for lying about it.

Sue said...

I gave my friend B the option of reading it and she said, "no, I won't read it, that's yours."

He told me about stuff he dealt with with my dad and our BIL and how he knows this doesn't compare, so he hasn't said anything about it. He did chores and stuff around the house to keep busy.

He said what really hurt him (aside from my mention of old family issues) was the implication that he just wanted to be where "the action" was.

At least if he was honest and said, yes I read the whole thing, we could have a conversation. Or he could get some insight about what this year has been like for me.

He has reached out, occasionally, but I have not been in a place to reach back.

Really, it's the lying that gets me. I may be a bitch, I may gripe behind his back, but lying about something like this?

Betty M said...

I'm sorry your brother lied to you like that - it sucks. I hope he has gained some insight even through his betrayal.

Michele said...

I'm sorry. I know when I write, I try to do so as though no one is reading, easier when the folks arent the folks you run into on a regular basis. I know you feel betrayed, more by the lie than what he did. I'm sorry. I would tell him that you know he read it, that you have proof. That you'd like to know why. It was probably because he wanted to better understand; that hurt him and now he's tiffed. I'm sorry. It sucks.

Julia said...

I've been trying to formulate a comment that wasn't a long run-on collection of expletives and could in fact be useful if your brother was still hanging around. I wasn't having much luck with dialing down the expletive factor, but I see that Tash has said what I would like to, all calm and non-swearing-like. So I will just say, Sue, I am so sorry... And brother, if you are still here, let me repeat: NOT about you. SO not about you. A year plus out? STILL not about you. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

there is a lot of this going on lately for different reasons...people having to go private or change blogs...

i'm not surprised he lied though...human nature to be curious