New Year's Day

It was a Tuesday.

I had some questions for my OB, but couldn't bring myself to make the call. C called the off hours number, and shock of shocks, my regular OB was on call, back from vacation. He had gotten a few of the faxes, but was not up on the whole saga. C asked some of my questions and tried to answer some of his. Dr. OB suggested meeting in the office so he could examine me and see what was going on. He would open up the office at 2 and we would meet there.

We told him what happened, what some of the doctors had said, and that we were anticipating an induction, unless of course, he found huge pockets of fluid and thought things looked less dire than the others. He noted some light bleeding and asked if anyone had said anything about placenta previa (they hadn't, and I don't think there was any) and pulled out the ultrasound machine. I couldn't help but look.

This is the doctor who, when the NT results came back said "this is why I hate this test. when I asked him why he hadn't said anything, he said it seemed that I had already made up my mind."

There was not more fluid. Joshua was in horrible shape. Dr. OB thought the prognosis for Jacob, for even making it to 24 weeks, was very poor. I remember I said, "so, basically we're just waiting for one of us to develop an infection." Somberly, he nodded, "yeah," he said.

He confirmed that we had all but decided on "active management," he looked grave, quietly nodded, and said, "Yeah, I think we can get you set up for tomorrow. Come in at 6am." We asked questions, like, how long would it take (16 hours?) I don't remember what else. "Yeah, we should be okay for tomorrow," he said.

We went home and I guess I sat on the chaise end of the couch. My brother and sister cleaned, my father made phone calls. I don't know. I think everyone left early, going back to their motel, since we'd be up at the crack of dawn, and so C and I could be alone. My family would meet us at the hospital.

I took a shower kind of late, and C stayed in the bathroom with me while I bathed since I was feeling unstable physically and emotionally. Our last night with the boys. It was unreal.