Monday, January 26, 2009

Lost

I just spent an hour trying to create some context of my relationship with my brother. We were close as children. We grew apart somewhat in college, and then since my mother died, it's been more and more difficult.

*****

For two days, I've been trying to write a post asking "why did I even give him the chance?" the chance to read my blog (I accidentally left a link in the word document) despite my request that he leave it alone. And he lied about reading it. And, as the fabulous and thorough JK discovered, he also linked over to C's blog and read his.

I sent him the document to give him the opportunity to try to understand what I've been going through the last year. The document was only about the first 2 weeks, but a traumatizing two weeks. Two weeks I doubt will be challenged as the worst two weeks of my life, including the loss of my mother.

I wanted him to see what I was trying to deal with, so if I was distant or if the only thing I could share with him was good news for my oldest friend, he might be able to understand. He might get the vision of me lying totally vulnerable in a dark room a a doctor I don't know tries to rip out the remains of my dead son's placenta. He might begin to understand what we went through trying to figure out how to decide what to do, how to give my son what he needed.

In P's email, he wrote a few sentences about how he was glad that I had a place to put all this "toxic" stuff and that I had found some community.

He just could not get past his own lifetime of shit to consider what those two weeks were like for me. And what it might take for me to recover from it. He thought only of his insecurity, about how no one appreciates him and what he does for the family. And that's what he wrote about in his email to me. That was the focus of his response. But all he could read was a few offhand negative comments about his behavior. And that would be if he read only the document I sent. C wrote more, I wrote some. So I guess this is my fault.

I asked for it, I guess. And I'm sure he would say that the blogs just confirm what he's known all along. If he could ever be honest about reading them.

*****

I have no relationship with my sibs right now. I don't feel like I can talk to A about this yet. I don't know when or how P and I will clear this up. Certainly I'm not going to lay this on my dad. Not yet, anyway.

I had been feeling better. C and I had a terrific fight and cleared up some issues that had been lingering. But I'm so down now.

It sounds so corny to say: I just feel so sad. Like I've lost my little brother. And once my sister has her child the distance will grow. It has already begun to.

Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe this post is too long and I'm getting maudlin.

12 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

I don't think you're being dramatic at all. It's not fair to have someone come in to your personal space (invite or no) and get mad about what they find. I understand well how that feels.

Ya Chun said...

It doesn't cease to amaze me that family is the hardest in all of this.

Your brother has obviously suffered some sort of trauma in his life too, and can't see through his own pain to the pain of those around him. It's a lose-lose situation at this point. Maybe he could seek the advice of a counselor too?

And what would one expect here in dbl. Rainbows and unicorns? What would one expect in your diary? Hugs and kisses for the family? Or the things that can't be said to their face.

Take care of yourself and C. Glad you had a great big fight and got it all out. Good to do that sometimes.

It makes me want to scream at the universe!

Amy said...

I think both gals above put it very well.

We live in a world that is not received lightly by others. That is their problem. Not ours.

Thinking of you and C.

Big hugs, A

Tash said...

This fucking sucks -- and I know kinda because Mr. ABF lost his brother to the same set of shit issues after Maddy died. He couldn't believe, six months later, that we couldn't drop everything and deal with him. That we weren't over it now, and needed to go through the motions of being fine so we could start dealing with his shit.

And we were not ready. And he up and left, but not before calling to say *we* didn't get *him.*

Toxic? I suppose, but really it's not for him to judge. If that's what he thinks it is, chances are he's not reading anymore. Sadly, chances are he didn't get much while he was here.

You have every right to be sad. I can't believe the family we've lost in this mess. And I'm always bewildered when it happens to someone else. When we lost family I felt incredibly alone. I hope you know we're all still here. Thinking of you.

k@lakly said...

You know for those types for whom it always about them, it will always be about them. I'll bet he talks often to others about how hard it was for him when his sister's babies died, you know? Doesn't sound like he'll ever be capable of sympathy for you or anyone for that matter.
I'm so sorry you have had to endure this loss as well. It's just such a drag when the ones you want to lean on fall over isn't it?

But, like Tash says, we are all still here. Forever.
xxoo

luna said...

the comments above say it so well. he has no right to be offended by what he read. for some people though, it will always be about them.

sorry you're so down. it's hard to lose even more than you've already lost. it sucks.

we are here.

Betty M said...

As the others have said some people can only see others through a prism of their own selves. I'm sorry your brother is one of these.

Michele said...

It's just not fair. :( I've grown apart from my sibs also. It feels like another insult to injury at times.

Sending warm thoughts...

erica said...

I'm just so sorry. Some family members seem to get it and some just don't. I wish the ones who don't weren't so hard to deal with.

loribeth said...

Lesson: If you're going to peek into someone's blog or private diary, uninvited, don't be surprised or offended by what you might find. And even if you do, realize that it's a venting mechanism & not necessarily the way the writer feels now.

jodie38 said...

"Eavesdroppers seldom hear anything good" is what I've always been told. I'm sorry you had to go through that with your brother, but he didn't respect your privacy or your wishes pertaining your blog. His fault, not yours. Give it time...things will settle down.

Glad you and C cleared out the cobwebs. Everyone has to do that from time to time.....

Keep your chin up...

Dagny said...

I think I understand. Too well. I also have a brother. One with no fertility issues. One that just had number two in late 2008.

One that told me that 'he is sorry for the effects my 'situation' has had on me'. and also to fuck myself. Oh, and while in my province never even bothered to call...they were here for 6 weeks, and I never got to see my nieces. :(

We lost our Dad and then things went real bad, so I totally get it, I think anyway.

I'm sorry. For us both I guess. Sometimes not even family can understand or even try to understand.

(((hugs)))
http://whoisjohngalt2008.blogspot.com/