Monday, November 2, 2009

What do you do

When everyone says, "look what this is doing to you." Or "look what this is doing to your marriage."

Or " even though you're in pain, you should really go be with your niece and watch everyone ooh and aah over her, because, you know that's an important relationship. Yeah, it'll be hard, but don't you want a relationship with her?"

Or, "is it really worth all this?"

Or, "just get things set for the next six months. You're only 39, and plenty of women have babies at 42 or 43."

There are plenty of other things to enjoy in life, right?

17 comments:

k@lakly said...

It is worth it as long as you feel it is. And I did it at 41...
xxoo

Tash said...

You tell me who the fuck is saying this bullshit to you so I can tell them where to cram their concern.

wifey said...

I know what I do (although it probably isn't "healthy"): I cut them off. My own mental health is so much more important than having relationships with people who aren't supportive.

The niece thing is hard - my husband's brother is a new dad. I have not met the baby yet. I just can't. It reminds me too much of what we've lost. Maybe soon.

Take care of yourself. That's the most important thing.

niobe said...

What wifey said. People say so many idiotic things and I tend to just ignore the ones I don't feel like listening to.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to thank you for writing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and situation. Reading it makes me feel less crazy, less alone. I'm sorry for all you are going through.

Once A Mother said...

What do I do? I usually retreat back into hermit status. It's too hard having these things thrown in your face, and what's worse, being told you should be doing it with a smile.... I'm sorry.

Beruriah said...

I do not regret being unable to handle my niece until she was almost 3. I think it's far easier to build a relationship with someone when you're in a good place, and when they're a bit more of an individual than a baby. Unfortunately there are going to be regrets no matter what you do. It's the fucked up hand we've been dealt.

Why is someone asking you what "it's" doing to your marriage? Seems to me only you and C have the right to discuss that.

My thoughts, if someone were asking for them, would be that this year you and C need to be with each other most of all, wherever that can happen best.

loribeth said...

I would probably thank them politely for their concern -- and then ignore them. People mean well, but it's really nobody's business but yours & C's. Even if any of these people have any experience themselves in infertility & loss (which I somehow doubt...!). Arggghhhh...

Astrid said...

This is just one more thing that people assume can be turned off, like a switch. It's not. It just isn't. I sometimes feel like I'm risking my life by TTC right now (having just recovered from a molar) and somehow I don't care. I almost feel like I don't even have a choice, that's what this is. There is no other option. You can't one day decide to feel otherwise. It's not a conscious choice. It's like an addiction without the chemical dependency. And the fact that you don't need to be chemically dependent to have this addiction speaks to its strength. Anyone can understand 'want' and 'need' when they feel it in their own lives. It's frustrating that they can't empathise with this specific situation. Frustrating beyond words.

luna said...

I'm with tash, sue. these questions are NO one else's concern but you and C. these issues are FAR too personal for them to be anyone else's business. even if someone is trying to be helpful, it is obviously NOT.

as to your Qs from last night, I'll have to come back for those...

CDE said...

Well, it was our couples therapist. And she didn't say it in these words exactly, and it was among a bunch of other stuff that was good and useful, but she...she's gonna need some education on the whole dead-baby-parent thing.

She'll be getting that at our next appointment.

Anonymous said...

Whatever is right for you and C is what you need to do. If that means you can't be in contact with certain people, so be it. If that means you need more space/time/distance before a multi-day visit with kids that you adore, that's what you need.

Please do what is right for you and take care of you first. The people who love you most (and I count myself among them) want you to be happy and don't want to cause you any more pain than you've already got. Whatever that means and whatever that takes.

How's that?

I love you! (Both!)
JK

birdsandsquirrels said...

Honestly, I would be tempted to tell them to f-off and not speak to them again.

I agree with everyone else, that you need to take care of yourself first, and if someone is being unsupportive or causing you pain, cut them out of your life for a while.

As for your niece, you need to protect yourself first. Being around the oohing and aahing is going to be torture, and that will not help you at this point. Self protection is necessary right now, and no one who loves should make you feel bad about that at all.

I'm sorry about all of this Sue. I know you are hurting, and I wish I could do something to help. Please know you are not alone.

Beruriah said...

Ah, CDE, that makes sense then. I'll be interested in hearing what you say to her. I've never found it possible to go to a therapist, as I think I've told you both, because I cannot find one who doesn't say stupid things about being a dead-baby-parent thing.

Sue said...

As C said, not these words exactly, but it was certainly implied. My regular therapist struggled at first, but was able to empathize as a parent, to learn from me by *listening* and *doing her own work.*

This one is going to need some education. When I said, simply, that I knew even *being* pregnant was going to be a mind-fuck, she gently chastised me for being so negative. Sigh.

Beruriah, I can totally understand your frustration. I get so angry sometimes, I want to say to people, "imagine your only child was dead!" Among other things.

Beruriah said...

Ugh, I could kill the next person who chastises someone who's lost a child, for being "negative" when they express worry that it could happen again. WTF?

Sue said...

B, it was more like, "Don't assume that you're going to be freaking out, that it will be SO hard emotionally. Don't assume you'll be consumed with worry." Ummmm... Yeah, okay. Except, of course, every other DBM I know who's gotten pg again has struggled with worry throughout most of the pregnancy. I mean, even my sister, who, at 30 wks decided that maybe there was actually going to be a baby in the house, so, you know, maybe they should buy a crib and some onesies or something, *refused* to have a baby shower or receive gifts for the baby until she was home safe.

So, yeah, do a little research and come back to me on this.

It's too bad, because as a couple's therapist, she's *great.*