Oh Joy.

Morbid depressing thanksgiving laying around the house arguing and being moody and sad. Feeling like my my body and my family is falling apart. Dad and sister screwed up thanksgiving plans in NY, hurting brother who will not be appeased. Sticking my two cents inw here it doesn't belong. Deciding to just withdraw completely, from the argument from the negotiations. Tired of being negotiator. Go-between.

Relationships are so fucking complicated and I'm tried of trying to make them work. I get along with my brother, I can't talk to my sister. I bond with my sister, I can't relate to my brother. I feel like my dad is going to die in ten years and we will all be estranged, just like my mother feared on her deathbed.

How long will it be before I can genuinely, healthily enjoy my niece. Family events. Today was a big party for The Baby at my dad's house today. Family and friends and my dad kvelling his head off. That's a big part of why I didn't go.

My meds are still not adjusted and I'm feeling like I'm 16 years old, filled with existential angst and frustrating the hell out of C who is trying argue with me rationally when I am just feeling hopeless about everything. And I should have at least started my period by now, just a little spotting yesterday. Like the last two cycles, my periods have been weird and light. And I'm almost convinced that the hystero.scopy is going to show Ash.erman's and I"m almost hoping that the RE will just say that it's a hopeless case so I can have one definite thing in my life (and yes, that 5% chance of a normal child we might have had is still haunting me).

Pharma says it could be a couple weeks before I've reached a little equilibrium with the med change back to what was working. And how I'm going to get all this work done and get through this stupid freaking program I have no idea. Because, you know, all this hard work really pays off in so many ways.

So.

How was your thanksgiving? Ready for the holidays? fa la la la la and all that.