Monday, November 2, 2009

No sleep

It's 2:15 am according to the clock on the wall. A few minutes fast, but close enough. Actually, my body thinks it's 3:15 am. And yet I lie here in the dark.

I took a whole mg of Klon.opin because I could feel my heart and mind beginning to race tonight. Hormones aren't helping. I think I started today (cd1) -- hard to tell with old blood and new blood and remnants of (sorry).

How do you know when it's time?

-- Time to change course to a plan you hoped you would never come get to. One that could finacially, emotionally and mentally push you over the edge you feel like you are teetering on.

-- Time to consider the salvation of your marriage/relationship in order to sacrifice dreams held by both of you, close to your hearts for your whole life?

-- Time to find a new relationship in the old one, that will incorporate the new future? Re-focus on professional goals. Finding (re-discovering) what was once really important to you. Outside of the whole "family" thing. Or the family thing in a different shape.

-- Time to begin a new life with new goals (be they a family that comes to you through adoption, or third-party assistance). Or the new life with out the children you spent your life dreaming of.

How do you even begin to make the shift? Holding on while letting go. Maintaining hope with full knowledge of potential outcomes. Facing a whole new set of challenges (child-lessness or adoption concerns, high tech and third party involvement, major financial risk with long-term implications) on top of grieving what might have been?

Trying to incorporate this into a new life. A new normal.

God, I'm so fucking tired of new normals. I just get used to one and I get to have another.

I'm so tired.

I should have taken the am/bien instead of the K.


Tash said...

I really don't have advice, because I really don't know myself. I guess I just keep putting my feet one in front of the other, hoping that eventually they'll lead me somewhere and I'll pick my head up and discover I've landed somewhere else quite accidentally.

You're moving forward now, and I know it's painful (sadly, literally) but I think now that you're on that path you stay there for a bit -- I think you'll know because your feet will start taking you in another direction.

(And I think Crinone is the work of the devil. Honestly, a man developed that shit, it LOOKS like a yeast infection -- big surprise it leads to infection! If you make an appointment with the urologist, I'd bring this up and see if your RE has some alternatives.)

CLC said...

I have no answers. Just thinking of you Sue and hoping you find some peace.

Unknown said...

I know how you feel. I get the tiredness, the wanting to give up and go back to being just a happy married couple. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for you and me. I hate that you are my people and I hate that you are hurting and I understand how badly you are hurting...Big hugs...

erica said...

No answers here. But I'm sitting here thinking of you.

Once A Mother said...

MK took the words out of my mouth. I have no advice, but I know how you feel... all these new normals suck.

loribeth said...

Those are questions we all have to figure out for ourselves, I think -- because everyone's answer is going to be different (if we can ever actually figure out what the answers are...!). I hope you eventually find your bearings. Wherever you are, we'll be there for you. (((hugs)))

luna said...

ah sue, I wish I had some easy answers for you. but nothing is easy. and of course every situation is different.

this journey has taken such a toll, I know. and it just doesn't seem to get any easier. it's one thing after another. each step chips away a little more and it becomes impossible to heal while you keep getting knocked down.

I know I've told you some of our story so I won't repeat it all here. it is a precarious balance -- some days we're up and some we're down. some times hopeful, some times hopeless.

for me, it was a matter of what was most likely to bring us closer to a child. I lost faith in my ability to conceive and carry a child and we were unwilling to risk the last of our money on another losing gamble. my body needed a break. my emotional well being was compromised during our ttc days, and that is hard on any relationship.

for me, the eventual shift to adoption helped me evolve from hopeless to hopeful. but it was a LONG road and involved a lot of loss and grieving what would never be. and that is ok. but those months between our last failed cycle and our decision to adopt were some of the worst since we lost our son. truly dark days.

I know how hard it is to wonder if it will ever happen, and how you will ever go on if it doesn't. it's hard to find joy in anything while we are so focused on what we don't have.

I just hope you are doing something for yourself, being good to yourself for YOU, taking some time for SUE to stay sane and well and healthy.

this journey is hard but it's even harder not to lose yourself along the way.