It's 2:15 am according to the clock on the wall. A few minutes fast, but close enough. Actually, my body thinks it's 3:15 am. And yet I lie here in the dark.
I took a whole mg of Klon.opin because I could feel my heart and mind beginning to race tonight. Hormones aren't helping. I think I started today (cd1) -- hard to tell with old blood and new blood and remnants of crin.one (sorry).
How do you know when it's time?
-- Time to change course to a plan you hoped you would never come get to. One that could finacially, emotionally and mentally push you over the edge you feel like you are teetering on.
-- Time to consider the salvation of your marriage/relationship in order to sacrifice dreams held by both of you, close to your hearts for your whole life?
-- Time to find a new relationship in the old one, that will incorporate the new future? Re-focus on professional goals. Finding (re-discovering) what was once really important to you. Outside of the whole "family" thing. Or the family thing in a different shape.
-- Time to begin a new life with new goals (be they a family that comes to you through adoption, or third-party assistance). Or the new life with out the children you spent your life dreaming of.
How do you even begin to make the shift? Holding on while letting go. Maintaining hope with full knowledge of potential outcomes. Facing a whole new set of challenges (child-lessness or adoption concerns, high tech and third party involvement, major financial risk with long-term implications) on top of grieving what might have been?
Trying to incorporate this into a new life. A new normal.
God, I'm so fucking tired of new normals. I just get used to one and I get to have another.
I'm so tired.
I should have taken the am/bien instead of the K.