so tired

Laying in bed in the dark listening to C breathe and the dog snore.

I can't sleep. In bed til noon (after the dog's 8am walk, of course). Too distracted or sad or anxious, so a nap at 4:30 or so.

Futile lit searches* to pretend to do work. Considering incompletes again. Again, goddammit. Feels like failure. Again.

I was another person in August, September. Where is she? I want her back. Her hope. Her courage. Her optimism and love. Was she just a figment of medication? Of false hope? Acupuncture?

Or is this just chemical? Environmental? Old issues. Unresolved grief. Where is the real me? Somewhere in between.

Broken.


*Do you know how much research is out there about academics/grad students and perinatal/child loss and career/identity? Even making it s broad as possible... Not as much as you'd think.

Oh Joy.

Morbid depressing thanksgiving laying around the house arguing and being moody and sad. Feeling like my my body and my family is falling apart. Dad and sister screwed up thanksgiving plans in NY, hurting brother who will not be appeased. Sticking my two cents inw here it doesn't belong. Deciding to just withdraw completely, from the argument from the negotiations. Tired of being negotiator. Go-between.

Relationships are so fucking complicated and I'm tried of trying to make them work. I get along with my brother, I can't talk to my sister. I bond with my sister, I can't relate to my brother. I feel like my dad is going to die in ten years and we will all be estranged, just like my mother feared on her deathbed.

How long will it be before I can genuinely, healthily enjoy my niece. Family events. Today was a big party for The Baby at my dad's house today. Family and friends and my dad kvelling his head off. That's a big part of why I didn't go.

My meds are still not adjusted and I'm feeling like I'm 16 years old, filled with existential angst and frustrating the hell out of C who is trying argue with me rationally when I am just feeling hopeless about everything. And I should have at least started my period by now, just a little spotting yesterday. Like the last two cycles, my periods have been weird and light. And I'm almost convinced that the hystero.scopy is going to show Ash.erman's and I"m almost hoping that the RE will just say that it's a hopeless case so I can have one definite thing in my life (and yes, that 5% chance of a normal child we might have had is still haunting me).

Pharma says it could be a couple weeks before I've reached a little equilibrium with the med change back to what was working. And how I'm going to get all this work done and get through this stupid freaking program I have no idea. Because, you know, all this hard work really pays off in so many ways.

So.

How was your thanksgiving? Ready for the holidays? fa la la la la and all that.

Garbage

Where am I?

No where.

i'm in the in-between.

Not quite here. Not there yet.

Alone? No, there are new bonds forming.

But the old ones ache and seem to weaken. Distance grows. Gets away from me.

Who am I?

Hm. First thought? mother, daughter, sister, aunt, wife.

Mother first. But not really. Maybe never.

My fingers are cramped holding on to old dreams. They don't want to let go.

Frozen? no. Calcified.

Break them and start over.

Wife first? Maybe.

Me first? Probably. But how?

Break her and start over.

I suck

I feel crappy. Stupid cold. Jumbled head. Broken body.

People keep their distance so I can keep my germs to myself.

Writing a paper on Leadership. An extended definition. Social Justice. Five pages.

Justice? Leadership?

Are you fucking kidding me?

*****

So, I have an appointment for my laparosc.opy (and a ride, thanks!) and an appointment with the urol.ogist. Another stranger to take my pants off for. Woo hoo!

Oh, and I spoke with the nurse at the RE's office today and yesterday about setting up pre-op stuff. My pharm was playing phone tag with the RE last week about changing my meds. Pharm wants to move me back to Cym.balta and off of the Pr.ozac, since I'm such a mess. Really feeling it. I know it's a combination of things. But I really hate it.

So, yeah, the pharm wanted to see how adamant the RE was about me taking the Cym in relation to pg, and of course they both have me as as their "first priority" rather than any baby that may come along, and we can adjust then, should that happen.

"If" I get pregnant I believe was the pharm's expression.

Maybe we should do IVF. Just blow it all on one shot. What the hell are our chances, anyway?

Maybe we should just get this all over with so we can move on.

I don't want to move on. I don't know why. I can't seem to let go yet. And it seems to be ruining me.

How's that for negative?

*****
So, I'm talking to the RE's nurse about setting up the pre-op and the med change, and she's being really sympathetic. Almost too sympathetic. Like how it hurts her heart that there are so many people who have babies who don't want them, and we have gone through so much. That we would be such wonderful parents. And she's just praying that one day the light will shine on us. I made some half-joking/snarky comment about how someone needs to talk to the man with the light bulbs, and she said, I was talking about God, dear.

Yeah.

I know.

And see how much God has helped so far?

*****
Who, me? Negative?

Maybe more cold medicine will help. For tonight, anyway.

Sleep is good.

Why?

Thinking of Mrs. Spit today, who is grieving another loss. My heart breaks for her.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it seem there is no fairness?

Are we only allotted a certain about of good, and then everything else is a crapshoot? A little taste, here and there? Or some freaking lesson to be learned?

Or chaos? It's making more and more sense, but it's making me more and more pissed off.

*****
If you have a moment, go give some love to Mrs. S.

For C

(Ingrid Michaelson, The Way I Am)

(Embedding was disabled.)

Dammit

Seems like it was a nice weekend all around. Weather, indeed, helps the spirits.

Alas, moods pass. Clouds return.

It was not the antibiotics. It's just me. Sad. Anxious. Hopeless. Teary. Again.

I did no school/classwork. Met up with a friend at the dogpark who is totally awesome, but just (unknowingly) reminds me of how out of the loop I am professionally. Socially, I am finding footing. Some. Not enough. I am 16 again.

RE says to give it another cycle or two before making any big decisionssince technically we just finished cycle 2, not 11. Will support us in whatever we want to do. Is willing to field questions and suggestions to tweak treatments.

Horrible clouds of despair. Wanting to hide under the covers. Don't know where to go or what to do with all this.

Referral to a urologist. Potentially research IVF clinics. Hi, nice to meet you. Here let me open my legs for you. Can you talk to me like I have a brain in my head? And give me any real hope? Who do I trust. Doctors?

All this dreck a half an hour after 1 mg of Klon. I have a regularly scheduled appointment on Wednesday with the pharm shrink.

Oh, and the necklace came off. No, I took the necklace off. Maybe it's all this. Maybe it's just the season.

Sorry.

***
p.s. Nov 7 was two years since the nuchal, when we really got invested in the little creatures floating around my belly. It was when C came out to everyone.

p.p.s. Nov 15 wll be one year since we brought Stella home. And we are all better off for it. LOVE her. And yet, reminded of much more.

Wiggley Field

It is a beautiful fall day in the mid-west. C and I had a reasonably productive morning cleaning the house and paying bills, and soon we are off to take the Stella-pup to a local dog park to romp and sniff and bark. Off leash.

Ya Chun suggested something like acupuncture, something soothing and re-invigorating, and to be honest, I'd been considering it. I called for an appointment, for both me and for C, but, alas, my guru is booked until next Saturday. It is just as well, as money has been a bit tighter than usual this fall. Nothing terrible, just less room for things like, well, acupuncture (yes, it is covered by insurance, but we have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed).

So, it occurred to me that the weather is nice, hasn't been too wet, and it's been a while since the pup had a romp. And there is something so satisfying, so restorative about taking the dog out to play, especially among a bunch of other dogs who are so happy to be outside and playing. And we will be meeting up with friends we haven't seen in a while, and their dog, too. Stella's best friend, Nana.

Just the prospect of this makes me feel good. Last night was rough. This week was rough. Even this morning wasn't easy. But somehow, I'm willing to suspend all that for a few hours and enjoy my pup enjoying herself.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. I know it's been an ugly week. Who knows what tomorrow will bring (grading mid-terms -- ugh). But right now is okay.

What are you up to today?

S.N.A.F.U.

Situation
Normal.
All
Fucked
Up.

*****
On Monday met with the RE. C and I were...pointy with each other, all day, on the way. Rough. Very rough all around

The RE did not have much for me. He thinks I can get pg this way. But, we are starting over, it was not cycle 11, it was cycle 2. If I want to do IVF, he says, go ahead. Do everything so we don't feel like maybe we didn't do something.

Reviewed general stuff, asked about meds (brav.elle vs. foll), taking the mac.robid during the 2ww. Answering questions. My periods have not been normal, so he suggested a hyste.roscopy. And as long as I'm anesthetized, he might as well have a look around, so...lapa.roscopy. (And maybe I'll need a cyst.oscopy...)

Scheduled and everything, though C may not be able to take me, so I'll have to find alternate transport or reschedule. Because nothing is easy.

*****
My pharm shrink was out of town this week, but my gp took me off the lev. and suggested Ati.van for the depression anxiety. Yeah, well, I have a regularly scheduled appointment next week.

On Tuesday, GP took me off anti.biotics altogether, gave me pain reliever and told me to take lots of fluids. And al.eve for back and general pain, 2 every 12 hours. And call on Thursday afternoon to see if anything came from the culture. I totally forgot to call.

Oh, and he thinks that I have structural problems causing the repeated UTIs. Gave me a referral to a uro.logist. A gynecolo.gical ur.ologist. A cys.toscopy may be in my future. I still have to call.

*****
I'm exhausted. Still feeling down. Not quite as bad as before, but not good. Class today was not my greatest. My students know *some*, but in general can't apply it, especially through interpretation of text. Mid-terms have been a challenge to grade.

Lot of back pain, "flank" pain. not continuous, and the al.eve pretty much helps. I lost a few pounds between the end of last cycle and the end of this cycle. Not sure how that happened. I've been eating lots of crap, though my appetite's been lousy, so maybe not as much as I thought. Nothing tastes very good. I even went out and got ice cream, of which I've had two spoonfuls. Exhausted. Passing out on the couch after school. Just so tired.

I don't want to...I don't want to go back on a lot of drugs. I don't know what's going to happen. Part of me feels like doing the lap is a waste. Like the T.AC. Grasping at straws? Maybe. I'm so tired.

*****
Well, this was a joy to write. And read, too, I'm sure.

Situation? Normal.

Just the way you are...

I'd like to thank you for being there for me -- in the good times and in bad, in all my grouchiness, so in honor of Ses.ame Street's 40th anniversary, I hope you enjoy this rendition of one of my favorite songs.

Love ya.

In the meantime

Busy day, haven't had time to write, but hope to tonight.

Here's my bitch of the day:

Something that both annoyed me and made me sad on (you guessed it) FB. (Why do I even go there?)

One of my SILs completed the "Ci.rcle of Moms" survey, '10 questions about your kids.'

1. How many children have you had?

2. Have you ever had any stillbirths/miscarriages/pregnancy losses?

3. What gender are your kids?

4. What are their full names?

5. What would they have been called had they been the other gender?

6. Did you get the genders you wanted?

7. How much did your babies weigh when they were born?

8. Did you have natural births/ c sections/forceps etc?

9. What has been your favourite age so far?

10. Do you want any more children?

Really, the only two I can't answer are 5 and 9. Well, I guess I could, but it's a stretch. I can't decide what I think about number 2.

I was feeling resentful and contrary so I went to the page, and they made you join if you wanted to see the other quizzes. Anyway, not-a-mom. Not really. Not the way it's intended, here.

I really have so little patience for anything anymore.

Sorry for the :-p.

Where did sleep go?

I'm feeling the anxiety and sadness begin to creep back in. I've been able to resist it, but when I'm tired, it's not good.

Good meeting with the RE today, I think. Still processing it. He has some ideas, and was mostly reassuring. Details soon, once I begin to sort them out. No major changes. Yet.

Rough, rough day. Still processing that, too. Thanks, you guys, for being there. It means a lot.

*****
Hmm.

Just looked at the side effects for the Le.va.quin I'm taking. At double the typical dose for a kidney infection. Among others, it has "caused convulsions and other nervous system disorders, including warning signs" of nervous reactions "ranging from restlessness and tremors to depression and hallucinations..." (from Drugs.com). Also? side effects may include difficulty sleeping. And dry mouth (I am SO thirsty - mentioned being thirsty to C and he said "no diabetes for you!).

Did the NP ask about a history of CNS issues? (Like seizures?) or anything like depression? Nope. Maybe it's not common. Of course, I am a freak of nature, so why would I be normal?

Guess it's time to call the real GP to get some info. Or maybe the pharm.

What do you do

When everyone says, "look what this is doing to you." Or "look what this is doing to your marriage."

Or " even though you're in pain, you should really go be with your niece and watch everyone ooh and aah over her, because, you know that's an important relationship. Yeah, it'll be hard, but don't you want a relationship with her?"

Or, "is it really worth all this?"

Or, "just get things set for the next six months. You're only 39, and plenty of women have babies at 42 or 43."

There are plenty of other things to enjoy in life, right?

No sleep

It's 2:15 am according to the clock on the wall. A few minutes fast, but close enough. Actually, my body thinks it's 3:15 am. And yet I lie here in the dark.

I took a whole mg of Klon.opin because I could feel my heart and mind beginning to race tonight. Hormones aren't helping. I think I started today (cd1) -- hard to tell with old blood and new blood and remnants of crin.one (sorry).

*****
How do you know when it's time?

-- Time to change course to a plan you hoped you would never come get to. One that could finacially, emotionally and mentally push you over the edge you feel like you are teetering on.

-- Time to consider the salvation of your marriage/relationship in order to sacrifice dreams held by both of you, close to your hearts for your whole life?

-- Time to find a new relationship in the old one, that will incorporate the new future? Re-focus on professional goals. Finding (re-discovering) what was once really important to you. Outside of the whole "family" thing. Or the family thing in a different shape.

-- Time to begin a new life with new goals (be they a family that comes to you through adoption, or third-party assistance). Or the new life with out the children you spent your life dreaming of.

******
How do you even begin to make the shift? Holding on while letting go. Maintaining hope with full knowledge of potential outcomes. Facing a whole new set of challenges (child-lessness or adoption concerns, high tech and third party involvement, major financial risk with long-term implications) on top of grieving what might have been?

Trying to incorporate this into a new life. A new normal.

God, I'm so fucking tired of new normals. I just get used to one and I get to have another.

I'm so tired.

I should have taken the am/bien instead of the K.

Why am I even doing this. Any of it. Work. LIfe. Babies.
I really don't know.

So.

Can anyone tell me why I torture myself looking at adorable pictures of my friends' gorgeous children?

It's kind of like crying after I look at my niece. LOVE her. (and my friends' kids, too!) But it hurts. And I never know when it's gonna hit.

*****

So. How was your Halloween?