Monday, July 14, 2008

Feh

My birthday is tomorrow.

I just wrote a long rambling post about where I was last year and how it feels like 10 years ago with everything that happened and how I'd kind of like to just forget it but that would make me even more depressed.

I wrote about still feeling tongue-tied and broken and having no words, or too many, or not the right ones. I've written a few posts that are sitting in my drafts folder because they're so whiny and annoying even I don't want to read them. I haven't been commenting, for mostly the same reason. Can't string thoughts together very well. Or when I do, they're all about me and how frustrated I am with everything. I have nothing good to say.

Maybe tomorrow I'll find something nice to write about, because honestly, I'm getting tired of hearing myself whine. Tired of hearing myself be sad. Tired of feeling constantly anxious. Do I do anything about it? Not much.

I still can't focus on school because I don't feel like I know where I'm going with it, but I need to figure it out because the deadline is looming and I have a ton of work to do.

I'm doing better. Kind of. But not. And I hate that.

How's that for concise?

15 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

Happy birthday, sweet STE. It's been a shitty hard year for you, and you know what? You have every right to feel beaten down.

Hope you get some cake and some peace.

Love you lots (we share a birthday, I HAVE to love you).

luna said...

wishing you a wonderful day, and a better year. I hope you can find the time to celebrate you, and to do whatever the hell you feel like it. and enJOY it. thinking of you.

CLC said...

I hope you have a good birthday tomorrow. Do something nice for yourself. Eat too much and maybe drink too much. Give yourself a day off from being sad (a lot easier said than done!).

Just Me. said...

Here from L&F!

Happy birthday. I hope you're feeling better today..((((hugs)))))

Amy said...

I know it doesn't sound right but I'm gonna say it anyway...Happy Birthday. It's been a rough (understated there) year for you and I hope this next year brings you peace and some sort of happiness and hope. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow! Much love, A

Fishsticks and Fireflies said...

I think you just touched on everything I have been feeling in the last week. I wished that every single holiday and special occasion since Quinn's birth and death hadn't happened - I didn't find joy in any of them, and even trying made me feel worse . . . like how dare I try to have a good time. I hope that there are at least a few good moments in your day tomorrow, and that the coming year brings you peace.

(And if you want to get those posts out of your drafts folder, please feel free to e-mail them to me - I am right there with in feeling whiny and annoying, and I understand.)

Mrs. Spit said...

There is a part of grief, and I'm in it, that is what I call S2D2 - same sh.i.t, different day.

It sucks.

Tash said...

Hmph. I say FEH too. So there.

Say, this is probably most unhelpful, feel free to junk, but when I found myself at this exact whiny place I realized it was kinda time to put a fork in a part of my grief. Not my grief altogether, but I think I realized I was grieving a whole helluva lot more than my deadbaby. And at some point I started to whittle away at this list. I'm not quite down down to just her, but I'm trying my damnedest. So it could just be, if you look around, you might say: Feh, I don't really need to harp over THAT part anymore, I've beaten that horse.

Then again, like any good ex-grad student, I'm good at deconstruction like this.

I'm really sorry. And Happy Birthday. And please, eat some cake.

sara said...

Happy early birthday!

Nikole said...

happy birthday. sending you strength and wishes for peace.

Carrie said...

I really hope your birthday is ok and you manage, even for a short time, to think of yourself.

I think you are incredibly hard on yourself. You don't whine. It is a cliche but things to move on with time. My belief is that they get worse with time first before becoming part, instead of all, of you as a person. You getting there, be kinder to you.

I hope this next year brings you more peace.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Happy Birthday. I hope it's another small step in a good direction for you.

All the best.

Betty M said...

Happy Birthday for today. I hope you get some time to do some good stuff for you.

c. said...

Happy Birthday, STE. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. XO.

G said...

Happy Effin Birthday hun.