Priorities

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want. Agonizing, actually. Struggling to get back to a place of focus on my work so I can continue in my program. But in the back of my mind, I am thinking about IUIs and our schedules and our new infertility coverage (50% of everything: diagnostics, treatments (including IVF) and medications) with my husband's new job. What would happen if I got pregnant. How would people at school react? Would I need bedrest? Would I be freaking? Would any of this schoolwork matter at all?

Maybe it's just easier to focus on babies and pregnancy because I have so little control over it. I can schedule appointments, I can go for consults (not that I have), but this work just comes down to me.

I have to do it myself. And yet... And yet. C will not like hearing this, but I want the baby more.

I am more than a woman. I have many things to offer the world, in addition to raising a family. I'm happy when I'm using my brain in different,*varied* ways. Probably I wouldn't be a stay-at-home-mom. Not for long, anyway.

But I want this so much. So much it scares me. Distracts me sometimes. Feeds my professional insecurities. Allows me to focus on my academic worries *and* my personal, physical ones.

*****

I must have said it a dozen times last weekend: I bet they get pregnant on the honeymoon. They'll be gone for 17 days, it's likely she'll ovulate while they're away. (Yes, this is where my mind goes.) As the wedding weekend carried on, more and more and more people were pushing them publicly to get busy having children. And the way she dotes on her niece and baby cousins tells me she's going to push for it as soon as possible. They are not ready in so many ways: just married, new house, immature, sketchy relationship, financially insecure. She makes more than he does, but I can't imagine she'd want to go back to work after having a baby. They can barely afford the house as it is. And if there's a child, it will take my brother that much longer to come to his senses (a girl can hope) or that much more to make the relationship work. And even if they get divorced, he will be tied to her forever because -- at least in this -- I know my brother will do the right thing. Maybe I give my brother less credit than he deserves, but this is what I see. "Surprise!"

So, yeah there's some sour grapes in that I think she'll be able to get pg without even thinking about it. And she'll be totally rude and/or inappropriate considering she has not said one word to my sister or to me about our losses. Not one word.

The word we use for her is "entitled." She gets her way and she expects to get her way. So she does. And if not, she throws a fit. In public. For example. The wedding cost upwards of $60k* at the reception site (paid for by her father no doubt). They had a contract with a local hotel to get their own room comped if they booked 15 rooms for the wedding. They booked 13, so the hotel charged them. She threw a fit. "They say, look, ma'am, here's the contract you signed." My brother bitched to me that they "got" them $2000 worth of business and complained that the room didn't get comped. Excuse me? $2000 is nothing in the hotel business, and if they spent $60K on this wedding, what's another $139? Seriously. My sister says it's because his wife is used to trying to get something for nothing. Sounds like entitlement to me. My brother went right along with it, and laughed at his wife's hissy fit.

So, the way the universe is working, it seems clear to me that she'll come home pregnant and have a nice easy pregnancy, with a healthy, living baby at the end of it.

*****

I am writing this post instead of doing my work. I need to get back to it. I'm still conflicted. I wish I could just dive into this work for a while and not think about anything else. Not gonna happen. Doesn't look like it, anyway. And at 38, it's not like I have a year or two to stop and think and feel ready for another pregnancy. And even though I was sick, I got a taste for that joy and excitement, anticipation of a new little life. And goddammit. I want it. I want it for C and I want it for myself.



*$60K for at least 200 guests in a high end NY area location. NY tends to be more expensive for functions like this, but yes, this was WAY, WAY over the top. And just like her to be dropping numbers. Though it was my brother. HUGE cocktail hour. A dessert room with three chocolate fountains. Cookies, cakes, fruits galore. On top of a three course dinner. And wedding cake (which, by the way, was pretty mediocre if you ask me.

This was all on top of a huge engagement party thrown last summer for at least 100 people. My understanding: Virtually everything for both events was paid for by the father of the bride.

Except, it seems, that $139 for the hotel room.