Tuesday, July 29, 2008

So.

How do I fake my way through the largest, most in-depth investment in my mental and professional development and try to salvage some small hope that there is anything of value in the work that I may do? How do I *make* myself do it?

What gets you though the crap every day? The crap that seems to get in the way of your future, the dreams of your young heart?

How do you keep fromkicking it all.

When do I get the joy back?

14 comments:

CLC said...

I have no answers STE, just hugs for you.

Julia said...

I still struggle with this work thing. In fact, I hope to make some progress on some things from my couch today. But I have had this hope for weeks now. Sigh.

Sorry I am of no help here. The one thing I can say is that when you do manage to get things done, and they come out well, it does feel good. I had a few episodes of that this past winter/spring. It was very nice to feel competent again. So I hope you find the way-- the feeling of being there is a good one.

Mrs. Spit said...

I wish I had some wisdom. One step at a time. By doing one small thing when I can. Sometimes, by just doing it. By not thinking about it, and just plunging in and doing it.

Hugs.

gusin08 said...

my grief therapist helped me sort this one out, at least a bit.

for a while on my desk (and desktop, and anywhere else i needed it) i kept mementos that reminded me of my daughter. i bought a few cards/hanging plaque type things that were more peaceful than sad (one is a little picture of a vase of daisies that says "you make my heart smile.") i kept myself surrounded by my daughter but in ways that made me think about loving her first, missing her second.

then one day i realized that i was ready to take these things off my desk and put them, literally, behind me. they are still scattered around my office, still in places i can easily see them, but they no longer stare me in the face.

it wasn't possible for me to push myself through work without acknowledging and respecting how i felt. i'm sure some folks thought i was wallowing and needed to move on and focus. but i couldn't force that. focusing on loving my daughter and thinking of myself as a mother too, even though i had no baby to hold, helped me through my days -- it helped me find (that particular version of) my "new normal." and it was nice to discover that i was moving on to a new stage, rather than pushing myself to one.

that said, there's nothing wrong with kicking it all.

--carole

c. said...

I wonder the very same thing.

Tash said...

My "job" as it were, is a SAHM, which I was supposed to be to 2. I was supposed to look for work six months after last February. Here I am. Feeling like I'm phoning it in on the homefront, and not having enough fortitude or faith or motivation to get out and use my brain. Sigh. I'm no help, I guess. I just get up and do it, and hope it's not too bad. One of these days I hope to get bonked on the head with some inspiration. I'll let you know.

Welcome back -- sorry the wedding was all kinds of drama. Bleh. doesn't bode well for future family events.

luna said...

I compartmentalize. not saying this is healthy, just saying. I use work as a distraction to help focus my energy (good, bad, nervous). it helps that I like my job. but so many things have lost their significance that it's hard to care enough...

you can see though, I'm reading blogs in the middle of the day instead of working, which is not good compartmentalization...

Busted said...

If you figure it out, I'd love to know. (((HUGS)))

G said...

I am in Luna's camp - I compartmentalize. I need something to focus on that is not this grief, this loss. But, like Luna, here I am in the middle of the day, tapping in. Keeping one foot in the water, but moving ahead.

Other than that, it's anger... Not my proudest thing, but all that crap that went down that I posted and removed, I hate to admit... it helped me. The anger made me realize that my job is important to me too. I know that it always will be.

But I say that today. Tomorrow I could be a mess sitting here staring at two screens all day. One day at a time, I guess. (One minute, one hour, one second...)

xo

Reese said...

I should win an academy award, maybe 7 or 8 of them. I am a great actress.

Someday, I hope I can stop acting. But then I am afraid of what that will mean for my mental health...

((hugs))

niobe said...

Work has always been my escape. When I'm working, I'm not thinking or worrying about anything else.

Probably not helpful, huh?

Ya Chun said...

maybe you guys need a vacation before the semester starts.

we've planned two, both involving bed and breakfasts, lots of wine and pampering (hot tubs and massages). We have yet to be motivated to leave the house. But, since I am not working,w e don't have the money either.

That is the one good thing about a job, it gets you money.

a.m.s. said...

I just don't think any further than right now. I get through this minute.

I give in to it when I just can't stand it anymore, but I try to put a time limit on it.

I don't know. I don't think there is any tried and true way.

I'm sorry.

k@lakly said...

I used my 'work', volunteering at kids school and other organizitions, to bury myself and to find something I 'could' be successful at doing after feeling so utterly useless. It helps but I still hate the quiet time.
Hang in there, the joy is out there waiting, I think:)
xxoo