(WARNING: Long and sappy)
Better than expected. I hesitate to say this out loud, but I am feeling good today. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll take it while I have it.
Good drive to therapy, successful last minute shopping for my brother's wedding -- I even splurged on fancy hair conditioner so my hair will curl instead of frizz. Coordinated travel with my sister. Things are much better on that front. We seem to be back in a place where we can communicate and actually talk to each other. As good if not better than before (knock wood). That is a huge gift in and of itself. Time has helped a lot.
Great meeting with one of my faculty to work on a project that I'm making up for him. He's also asked to work with me as part of my TA responsibilities, so I'll be working more in a more in-depth manner on the class we teach and helping with the other TAs. This is a HUGE pat on the back for me, as he is an amazing prof., great guy, and he is highly respected by everyone here at the university and elsewhere; he's kind of taken on a role as mentor to me which is a great compliment. Another gift.
I will even go so far as to say that I feel somewhat hopeful about the future. There is a little troll in my head saying "NO, don't say that out loud! Now you've done it!" and I do feel a little anxious using the words. But I feel okay at this moment. Maybe I'm just over oxygenated from singing in the car. I'll take what I can get. For this moment, things are okay. I have no idea what the next moment will bring.
Tomorrow we leave for my brother's wedding. We will be in NY/NJ for about 5 days and I'm going to get to go visit B&K. Trying to maintain a good attitude, in at least we will get to see family we haven't seen in a year. I want to be happy for him. I am so hoping that things will straighten out and that this will be a good match. I'm a little anxious about being away from the house for so long (haven't since the hospital) and hoping for sensitivity from people. There will be a little weirdness, but hopefully not too much.
On my long drive to therapy and back today almost every song on the radio was significant for me during various periods in my life: high school (Should I Stay or Should I Go), college (It's the end of the world as I know it), post college (You Learn), etc. I sang. A lot. Loudly.
I got emails from my dear friends in DBL* and in the blogosphere, texts and emails and cards and phone calls from people here and IRL telling me that I was in their thoughts, that they were thinking good things for me and for my future. Telling me I was loved. I can't tell you how much it means. And I'm talking about you, if I didn't make that clear. It means so much.
The pinnacle of this musical feel-good-a-thon was when I pulled up to the market to get a few last minute things before our trip for my brother's wedding: Bill Withers' version of Lean on Me. This song invariably makes me cry. I'm a huge sap, okay? But it does. This version, the movie version (with the music teacher and a piano and a whole auditorium filled with young people), and even the 80's version that was released along with the movie will bring a tear to my eye.
Usually the connections I make with this song are to my long time and dear friends, sometimes family. Today it was also with all of you. All of you who struggle with infertility, pregnancy loss, baby loss; all you whose words I read, and who read my words (no matter how whiny or sad or angry or anything else), you who read my words and leave a comment, even a simple "I'm listening" or "I wish you peace."
At the very beginning of this horrible journey, I felt horribly alone. Alien to everyone I know. Who could possibly understand, especially when I have no words but tears? You do. When I have felt my loneliest in this struggle I have been able to lean on all of you, simply by reaching out. By sharing your load, and you sharing mine.
Okay, enough maudlin. I just wanted to say that I realized today, that I am not alone. My friends in real life are here, my family, my biological sister and you, my sisters in babyloss are here, too. Thank you for letting me lean on you. I hope I can return the favor.
I won't be posting, probably until next week, but I will try to keep up with what's happening with all of you. See you on the other side!
*Dead Baby Land