Monday, November 30, 2009

so tired

Laying in bed in the dark listening to C breathe and the dog snore.

I can't sleep. In bed til noon (after the dog's 8am walk, of course). Too distracted or sad or anxious, so a nap at 4:30 or so.

Futile lit searches* to pretend to do work. Considering incompletes again. Again, goddammit. Feels like failure. Again.

I was another person in August, September. Where is she? I want her back. Her hope. Her courage. Her optimism and love. Was she just a figment of medication? Of false hope? Acupuncture?

Or is this just chemical? Environmental? Old issues. Unresolved grief. Where is the real me? Somewhere in between.


*Do you know how much research is out there about academics/grad students and perinatal/child loss and career/identity? Even making it s broad as possible... Not as much as you'd think.


Tash said...

Oh Sue. I could remind you until I'm blue in the face that this isn't a linear process, and since your upswing you've faced a few disappointments not to mention holiday stressors. I'm not sure you're back on the bottom like you were (always good to look and check what floor you're on, you never know -- might actually make you feel better), but I sense that you're down, too. And I think instead of questioning it or feeling badly about it, you should just be with it. It makes perfect sense. Infertility is it's own fucked up kind of grief, and when it gets twisted with babyloss and career stuff, it's bound to mess you up. Keep writing. And please know we're all here, at your back, ready with the safety net. We won't let you fall. Much love.

Michele said...

oh dear Sue... you are still that brave, strong girl... she's just hiding right now.

sending big hugs

erica said...

Just here, listening, and wishing this weren't so dreadfully hard.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I'm always here, Sue. You know I'm right here.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Sue found you from another friend's blog list...I understand how you are feeling and I hope that in time you will start to feel better. take care, Rosie