Friday, June 25, 2010

Comfo.rtably nu.mb

Well, numb-ish.

An hour or so after my second K today I decided it was time for bed and took 2/3 of an ambien. That was about 45 mins ago. So, I'm a little bit high.

in my FB status today, I answered their question: What's on your mind? with Everything. You name it. It's there, making me anxious, sad, hopeless, worried, longing.

I got my records from my (old) RE in preparation for what might be the beginning of consulting with a new RE. The anticipation of beginning this again makes my chest clench. I have this ridiculous fantasy about doing just one last cycle with my old RE, since i have a bout a half a cycle of meds, and this last cycle would land around my 40th birthday in a couple of weeks or so. And of course, I would be perfect about taking my pills and shots and not overly stressing or anything because i would be working on other things like finishing my projects from this spring/summer (oh, which all have to do with loss and infertility and change of worldview and women in academia) so I can be ready for my comps in October. No. Sweat. And it would work perfectly.

In the world I live in, the sky is a lovely lilac/blue with twinkling stars.

there are terrible neighbors down the street who have (I think) two dogs, one of which lives in a cxrate in the garage and even though it gets food and water, I am tormented with sad dog visions and me sneaking over there in the middle of the night to take it out of the terrible, lonely situation it's in. They also have a chocolate lab I've seen them walk on one of those prong collars occasionally. Also, he's got a huge ford pick up truck with the ford emblem emblazoned with the confederate crossed swords. this nice jewish girl from ny is a little bit afraid of him. Oh, and they are also keeping ducks in a rabbit hatch in the garage, the same one with the dog. ??? I know. They are in the process of moving out and I am praying that there is a big pond and yard for the pup (a year old basset hound to romp in). I am becoming my mother. Except for that whole reproducing thing.

Father's day sucked. C is really feeling things and I have no way to comfort him except to be sweet and leave him be. And I feel terrible. Responsible. Which he would dismiss, but, you know, still.

I am getting nothing done. And part of me wonders if this is just frustration and trying to get over the hump from bio/pregnancy to adoption or if I'm really just this fucked up. I had an appt with my pharma shrink and he (along with every other professional and probably every other perosn I know (except my sister) is probably thinking "Ok, Sue, enough denial. Get your shit together before it's too late and you've acummulated 4 dogs and 6 cats and you're featured as some neuor-psycho on discov.ery But not for "I didn't kno.w I was pregnant." Hah.

I want to get moving on things, but there is little ot get moving on because we don't know where we are going to be in a year or so.

My project at school, it appears, will be about all of these things, loss and infertility and the process of becoming a woman in academia and how it affects world views and I think, how can I write about this in the midst of this? And, id this what I want to establish my professional career with? and how can I deal with all this while I'm supposed to be writing scholarly work on it?

And two of the most important people in my life in this very small town in the last few years, wonderful people who have been supporting and understanding with all my craziness day to day and month to month (and yes, year to year) and all my grief are leaving town in the next few weeks. And they are moving on to wonderful, wonderful opportunities, and I am really so very excited for them, I really am, but I'm so very sad for me, too. I have not appreciated them nearly enough, have not been the kind of friend to them that I would have liked to be. And the last thing I want is for them to pat my hand and say of course you have, because it doesn't feel true, and the last thing I want is for them to feel guilty or manipulated or anything by this because they sometimes read here. Maybe I will write something else that is less weepy and more...something.

I need to get through my work. I am feeling like I am losing my standing and need to get through this. But my throat and my chest clenches and I just want to cry.

I'm sorry. I was hoping for numb. Not bawling mess.

There's always next time.

Talk to me -- what's going on in you worlds?


Aunt Becky said...

Dave's going through a nervous breakdown, and I don't exactly know what will happen in the next couple of weeks. When this becomes awesome, I'll let you know.

Michele said...

OH Sue... Thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

It's never too late to be the friend you mean to be--not that anything was ever lacking. Moving away doesn't mean the friendship ends. We'll be there with you through joy as we've been through sorrow--though you may have to travel farther to get it in first person. ;-)