Saturday, May 15, 2010


I'm sure by the tenor of the last few posts that you can tell it was a difficult weekend. I'm still processing a bunch of stuff, but in the meantime, I thought I share a few bright spots.

1.) My niece. I hadn't seen her in person since she was about 2 1/2 weeks old; she's 10 months now. Honestly, I am so in love with her I can feel it in my chest. Sweet and engaged and generally relaxed and sociable. It was amazing to see her greet my dad again, to see them both react -- just wonderful. I'd like to believe we made a little connection. I sat like an idiot for 10 minutes stacking 3 little cups and knocking them down, just to hear her laugh.

1a.) My sister commented that she was so happy that I could be with my niece, and enjoy her. It was all I could do not to grab the baby out of the sling my sister was carrying her in when we met at the airport. By the end of the trip, I was dressing her and holding her and calming her down. We had a lovely time looking out the picture window at all the green trees and the occasional car driving through the neighborhood. Despite the impulse to hold her, be with her, though, there was always the hangover.

2.) My dear friend B came down for shiva Monday night. She drove almost two hours when she got off work (she's a teacher) and stayed far later than she should have. But, oh, it was so good to see her. With everything going on, it was really a comfort. My family was happy to see her, too. Just one thing that was easy this week.

3.) My grandparents left us an inheritance. It's not huge, but it will allow us to pursue -- or at least consider -- some avenues that we had thought were closed off to us, at least in the short term. No decisions yet, but there may be some options to consider. I'm still so strung out by finals week and the loss of my grandmother and the associated family crap and finishing my own work, and Oh, I'm starting the last course in my program on Monday. A little overwhelmed, but knowing it's out there is good. Mostly.

Hopefully, by the end of next week the most difficult anniversaries will be over with. Thank you, all of you, for your comments and support this last week -- these last weeks. I can't tell you how much it means to me.


Reba said...

i remember so well that same feeling of truly NEEDING to be with my niece. just watching her live and be. watching her sleep. i don't think anyone else took video of her just sleeping. (i didn't even do that with my own daughter.) there was just this awe for me that i always associate with my niece--of the three cousins who were due around the same time, she's the one who was born alive.

k@lakly said...

I know the days recently have been dark. How great that your niece was able to bring some light back into your lives.
I hope the gift left to you by your grandparents continues to open doors for you. You sound determined and hopeful. Good things to be:)

Beruriah said...

Woo hoo on the last course! And I really can't wait to hear what #3 makes possible for you.

Nieces are fabulous. When she next sees you, she may not remember specific events, but she'll remember you're good people.

It is what it is said...

God bless your grandparents for the gift of inheritance no matter how much. Just that you have something you hadn't banked on to use in a way that might further your ttc efforts, is great.

Possibilities are a good thing...

Martha said...

Visiting from Lost/Found Connections, I am so sorry for the loss of your much loved Grandmother.

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loribeth said...

So glad you were able to take some pleasure in your niece's visit, bittersweet though it might be. And also from your grandparents' inheritance. I hope you have a wonderful time spending it in whatever way brings you happiness!

luna said...

oh sue, what a rough few weeks, rough month may is for you. sending you love and strength as you take a breath to get through the next few days.