Sunday, October 26, 2008

With apologies to Al.anis Mor.isette

All I really want is to be normal.

To feel normal. Not this 'new normal', but some semblance of the person I was, I was becoming the one who was looking forward to life and challenges and making something of herself despite all those years of doubt. The one who finally said, yes, I can do this. I like this person. She will do great things.

All I want is to feel normal without feeling like something is missing, something is off. Like something is wrong because I'm not miserable.

All I really want is to move forward into my life. Not even confidently. Just not shaking with fear. Not weeping with indecision. Not tied to some past dream that may or may not ever come true.


k@lakly said...

I wrote many months ago about my "new normal', I still don't know what it is but I know how it feels to look for it. DOn't know if this is of any comfort to you at all but at least you'll know your journey is following or leading a path taken by many...all of us linked together, forever.

Heather said...

The whole concept of "normal" is very fuzzy in my mind. I identify with what you said about feeling like something is wrong if you're not miserable... I'm there too.

I've got no advice, but I'm thinking of you.

niobe said...

Many, many years ago, long before I lost my twins, something happened to me that sent me into a deep depression. And part of what made me sad is that I knew I would never truly get over it, that I would never go back to being the person I was before.

Eventually, slowly, painfully, the fact that I couldn't go back was something that I learned to live with. There was no "new normal," just an acceptance that I would never truly be normal again.

Not to say that it will happen that way for you -- just that there are many roads out of the worst of the darkness.

Aunt Becky said...

I have no advice, but I agree with Niobe. I know just how that feels (shockingly).

erica said...

It's hard to be missing the person you were in addition to all of the other missing. I don't know if normal is possible, but I do hope that things will get less gut-wrenchingly difficult for you.

c. said...

I remember a friend telling me once that I couldn't have everything I wanted. I keenly remember being so put off by this - What? Why?

He told me this at a time when the things I wanted were meaningless. It hurts much more to accept this idea now.

I'm just blabbering here, Sue. I simply want you to know I'm here listening, and hoping that forward movement finds its way to you. XO.

Anonymous said...

Normal is relative. The person you were is still there, waiting to merge with the new you when the time is right. Who you are now is only a transition. I don't know if that makes sense (or is even helpful) to anyone but me, really. I like Niobe's comment about there being many roads out of the darkness - how very true. There is no "right" way or "wrong" way. Your path will be whatever is right for YOU. You'll find patient with yourself.

I wish I had something better to say.