How to reconcile this new life with the one I wanted. I know lots of people have, in one way or another. Or they've reconciled that they will never reconcile.
But I'm stubborn. Dammit, and I'm so angry.
There are some things I still believe in, but I don't believe in much anymore. I guess it's the hope that's gone. What am I living for? I'm living with the hope that things will get better. I'm living so I can spend my life with my dear sweet C. (Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid.)
But what else? I know there is life beyond children. That I am not defined by this hole in my life. But it feels like it. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels really good. I have nothing to say. I've owed my dad a phone call for 4 days. What can I say to him?
Yes, I'm depressed, I know. Yes, I've just changed my meds. Yes, I'm grieving. But I don't know how to find the joy anymore. Nothing sustains.
Maybe that's just growing up. Knowing that everything changes, knowing that joy fades, evolves, shows up in different things.
I've only gotten to the fading part. Can't really trust much else. C. My friends in the computer. My dear friends IRL.
This is stupid and pointless. Talking in circles. The right words are just out of reach. I have no idea what they are.