Friday, September 12, 2008

The rest of my life

I know it's not going to feel like this forever. It just feels like it.

I'm so fucking depressed and I'm so tired of being depressed, feeling sad, lonely, envious, jealous, hopeless, weepy, tired, angry, anxious, antsy, empty. Heartbroken.

I thought I was supposed to be done with this part. I'm so tired of having nothing good to say. I should be happy I have a husband who loves me and who is healthy. A supportive family. And yet I feel like I have nothing to be happy about.

I sat at school today for 3 hours after my (sucky) class because I couldn't muster up the will to go home. To just get out of the chair.

I'm so tired of being a basket case. I was doing better. I was.

And now I'm not. Crashing and burning. Again.

I'm so tired of all of this.


Busted said...

I'm so sorry. I feel exactly the same way. Every word. I'm just not brave enough to let anyone know so I haven't blogged about it explicitly. Obviously I can't say anything to help except showing you that you're not the only one. Here's hoping we both get through, that we learn this is yet another "phase" rather than the status quo from here on out. That's what scares me the most.

Mrs. Spit said...

You know, I tell myself that tomorrow is another day. I know that tomorrow is another day. I tell myself that my bad days aren't as bad as they were. I do.

But in the midst of them? It's hard to believe it.

janis said...

((hugs)) I remember that happening- just when I thought I got the hang of it, I drop over the edge again, slipping down down down all the way... sending you strength, if you feel you want it. Or just the peace to be in your own space, with no obligations to be happy for someone else's sake. Hang in there. xo

k@lakly said...

Argh...I wish I knew something brilliant to say but I have nothing. Sending you lots of healing thoughts and hope, hope that it doesn't always feel like this.
Maybe a trip to the doc is in order?
Or a trip to a bar...that's how I cope, but then again I am probably not a model 'recovery' example either:)

Martin said...

I wish I could squeeze you and transfer some energy or something worthwhile. But I can't.

I'm just so sorry this is still so hard for you.

Mindy said...

I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom and comfort. Nor can I really imagine what you're going through, but I am so very sorry. I'm hoping that you'll find some comfort and healing soon.

Antigone said...

I find that I can focus on today or focus on an imagined year from now. It's focusing on tomorrow that's the hardest part.

Aunt Becky said...


You're in my heart, STE.

Amy said...

I am so sorry that it only seems to get more difficult for some of us. Please know that I think of you and the boys daily and your hubby too.

Thank you for checking in on me and the comment on my side.

Love and peace to you, A

CLC said...

Ugh, I don't know what to say. It is a roller coaster, it really is. Maybe it's time to change the medicine up? I hope that tomorrow isn't so crappy. THinking of you!

charmedgirl said...

i've been thinking lately that i keep writing and reading the same things over and over...all of us, the same shit over and over. and i keep feeling better (or probably more accurately, denial) and then worse over and over again. there's no sense to it, it's not linear, one step does not follow the one before. and nothing you or anyone else can do will change any of it.

just allow the better days, when they come.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. You're not alone. I'll be thinking of you.

luna said...

I'm so sorry you are still in this space. I wish there was an easier way out of the darkness, my friend.

noswimmers said...

I'm with Busted...feeling much the same, but unable to put it into words. That feeling...knowing that this is something we will live with for the rest of our lives is so painful. I wish I had the words, or something that could make it better. Please know that you are not alone...and I hope you can draw some strength from that.

Tash said...

I'm actually with CLC here -- you might just want, with the winter/holiday season coming up, think about whether a different med or dose might be beneficial? Sounds like you've had some wild swings, and your dumps are really dumpy. Just a thought.

I might also be so bold as to suggest planning something just on the other side of the "anniversary" -- something nice. If it's still C's break, could you go someplace? Someplace warm? Even if just for a weekend? I found last year that knowing I was going to leave town afterwards was sort of a nice string that pulled me through the week. Gave me something to plan a bit for, and look forward to.

As always, here whenever you need. Rounding the bend to a year is really rough -- I really hit the skids around now too (go back and read circa xmas -- not pretty).

Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential said...

Here from LFCA, I'm so sorry about the loss of your twin sons.

Kim said...

I'm so very sorry that you're hurting so badly. I can't begin to understand your pain, but I am so sorry that things are as they are.

A very good friend of mine and his wife lost twin boys last year due to TTTS, and after one of the membranes have ruptured. They have had one subsequent miscarriage, as well - and are currently going through the fear that naturally comes along with their third pregnancy. He has been having an especially hard time over the past several months. If you're looking for support (not that you are), please let me know. They are in Massachusetts.

Anonymous said...

hi Ste,

i uttered very similar words to my mom over the phone just yesterday. i said why am i falling apart, i was doing so well. i was outright wailing. so i understand and i am sorry for the pain. please let ME know when this will get better if you happen to figure it out before me.

Anonymous said...

oh, ste -- i also have nothing original or helpful to say. but i'm thinking of you, and feeling some of your pain, wishing i could take it -- or even some of it -- away. i agree with tash about planning some sort of getaway -- going away by itself might be great, but also the planning and looking forward to something 'nice' might help, too.

take good care of yourself,

niobe said...

I've always thought that one of the worst things about pain and sorrow is the feeling that things might never really get better.

I was in that kind of place for a long, long time (for reasons unrelated to the twins), so I think I understand, at least a little, how you feel.

Thinking of you.