Wednesday, August 27, 2008



All over the place. Incoherent. I don't take it as a good thing that I can't seem to articulate anything. Don't feel the clarity to write. I've had the start of many posts, and titles. There's so much going on in my head. My heart.

The class I'm teaching started this week, and the classes I'm taking start next week.

Monday was 25. One year since the IUI that assisted the conception of our boys. 8 months since my water broke. Four months physically pregnant. Nineteen weeks, 3 days gestation.

Three full years since we started trying to have a child.

My friend S gave birth to a huge (10.5 lb) baby girl last Friday. Everyone's healthy, doing fine, everyone's home. She's a beautiful baby, and her parents look (at least from the pictures) content. Happy to have her, and filled with love for their family. And they are aware how lucky they are.

She gave birth on the day C graduated. I was out getting coffee, dropping him off at school with his dress clothes and saw her in her car being driven toward the hospital.

The conflict I feel inside is enormous.

Graduation was good, but hard. There were babies *everywhere* and it hurt especially. I had let myself imagine our family at his graduation. The honored guest speaker told of his own PhD graduation and how his year old daughter shouted "Daddy!" when his name was called. Then he spoke of visiting that daughter just a few weeks earlier to meet his new grandson, Jacob.

We hosted our parents and they got along very well, but it was a lot of work. It was very nice, but I didn't really feel like I could even mention the boys directly -- hell, even indirectly -- in front of C's folks.

At one point we had been talking about how in a couple of years well both be working and maybe at the same university. I casually said joked that we'd have to get jobs at different schools so when/if we had a kid they'd have a choice (between the two schools) about where they could go to college. Something like that. Dead silence from everyone, horrified look from my ILs, especially my MIL. I got the message loud and clear that I shouldn't say anything that refers to our children, living or dead. Of course, that didn't stop MIL from talking constantly about her other grandchildren.

My dad was actually pretty good about being appropriate and supportive. We got a little time to talk and I was really glad he was here. I felt for him, also being surrounded by the babies -- at graduation, at the reception in C's department -- the grandchildren being celebrated. (And of course, the speakers comment about getting to meet his own grandson named Jacob...)

But my dad was proud to be there. Really proud of C and all he accomplished. It was great to see.

But so bittersweet. I felt it all weekend. Probably feeling it now, still.

It occurs to me that every big event from now on will be bittersweet. With time, I assume it will be less bitter and more sweet, but that time feels really far away.


I don't want to teach, I don't want to leave the house anymore. I want to hole up again. I just about completed all the work I owed, so I don't know if it's all the pressure of the new school year with my classes, and teaching again, or having sensory memories of a year ago, or just the beginning of awareness of anniversaries (for the next 4 and a half months).


And I'm fat. I never lost the weight I gained this spring (made up more than what I lost with the pregnancy), and I think I may have gained more. Trying on clothes at the mall this weekend was a huge mistake -- and there was some woman with a crying newborn in a twin stroller practically following me through the mall. That was really fun after trying on clothes that I was no where near getting into. What I did fit into looked bad. I have one pair of pants (maybe 2) and a few tops I can wear to teach in. Maybe a skirt or two -- maybe. I'm one of those people squeezing into clothes that don't fit, hoping no one will notice. I think they do.

Guess that's enough of the kvetching/update. More articulate posts to come soon, hopefully. Going to try to start commenting more regularly, too.


Aunt Becky said...

Oh, STE, I'm so sorry it's all so hard.

G$ said...

One of the things I love about you (ick, love, thats goopy!) is that you spill out what's in your head. Many times I have similiar trains of jumbled thoughts but I keep them in. Thank you for being you and in being you, I know I am not the only one.

CLC said...

Maybe school will be good for you. Maybe the daily distraction will prevent you from holing up again. It's hard to prevent, I still want to cut off communicatin with most people I know, but just keep drudging through the daily chores. It will get better. It has to.

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you. I hate that silence, the frantic expressions, the utterly s*#tty way that people handle loss. It makes me so angry to think about. I'm so glad your dad was supportive though.

I hope for peacefulness to surround you you and for your heart to feel lightness again. Big hugs.

k@lakly said...

You know what let her give you odd loks, YOU talk about what happened to you and what YOU want, you are the one who lost your boys, not her. She can accomodate you and if it makes her uncomfortable, too damn bad. I think it is great you are still talking about the future you will have with kids. Keep talking about it and then see about making it happen. One day at a time, right.
I hope the teaching helps to keep the mind on other things. I know the marking of time hurts but you are right, it will be more sweet and less bitter as it goes on. At least that is what I am counting on:)

Heather said...

I'm in the same boat.... new semester starting soon and I haven't even gotten my lectures started yet. I want to curl up somewhere.

I'm hoping when I get started it'll give some purpose to the day. Maybe make things easier somehow. I'll hope the same for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's so so hard. I'll be thinking of you.

Martin said...

3 years, a huge milestone.

I only wish it gets easier for you.

janis said...

I just want to send you hugs for the rough times, and all that you are having to deal with; the things people say...

Natalie said...

I can't believe they reacted like that! :( I mean, it's YOUR child (or future children).... you should be the one calling the shots as to whether it's appropriate to talk about or not. I'm sorry it was met with that kind of reaction. Not cool.

And the babies everywhere. Ugh. Sometimes it just feels like they're stalking me. I HATE that feeling so bad.

Anonymous said...

isn't it awful how we sometimes feel like we can't talk about our children? geez. so glad you brought them up. they are so important to us and yet we are made to feel like we should walk on eggshells when speaking about them.

fight the urge to hole up (i should talk!)

luna said...

I hate that feeling of not being able to talk about our baby boy, especially among family. if I so much as mention him, it's as if the air gets sucked out of the room and the dead silence is deafening. awkward.

I'm so sorry to hear of your continuing struggle. you're right, even the happy things can be bittersweet. and there are days when you just don't want to be around anyone.

maybe there's something you can do just for you -- some activity or hobby that you'd want to leave the house for? a walk, a movie, gardening, bike ride, whatever -- not something school-related...

thinking of you. and congrats to c!