Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Place In-Between

(Anybody else watch the Dr. Who season finale?)

How can it possibly be the 25th already? Three weeks left of summer break, and I haven't gotten nearly enough done.

It's been a rough few weeks. Losses. Frustration.

Blah blah blah. I already have one crappy post in my drafts folder.

Anxiety. Guilt. Frustration. Loneliness.

This is going to be a long spewing post, I think. Disorganized. I have so much going on in my head, if I don't get some of it out, well...I need to get some of it out.
Saw the Dr. Shrink on Monday. He changed my rx again. Here's hoping this works. I am beginning to fear that this is my life. Depressed.

(The last couple of weeks were pretty bad. Lots of sitting on the couch because doing something, *anything,* seemed too much like work. Eating, for example. Getting tons of anxiety about school. And so, not doing much. And so, anxiety. Paralysis. Depression.

A year ago, I was recovering from the TAC surgery. Recovering from my visit to see my newborn niece.

I was beginning to really hope. Really want it. I mean, well, duh. I had the TAC surgery before I got pregnant -- how's that for not hedging your bets?

After taking the first or second dose of the new rx, it occurred to me to try on the idea that we have decided for sure on adoption. For a week. To see how it would feel to be settled in with a choice already.

It hasn't been that bad.

I went back to some of the links I'd bookmarked, and bookmarked a few more. Read through homestudy info. Got kinda anxious.

But it was okay.

Kind of a relief, actually, to not be sweating over treatments. Trying to plan for consults and appointments. Wondering how I would do with pg or pg loss again. Dr. Shrink is very much against me cycling again. I don't know that he's wrong.

I am neither here nor there.

I had another session with my regular shrink and she had read that McCracken book. Some of the things that really struck her, or made her say, "I never thought of it like that!" were some pretty basic grief/dbm stuff. Though, it did give me the opportunity to talk about some stuff from the book, and to go back over some of the things that she had said that bothered me. She clarified. Not necessarily to my liking, but at least it's out there.

Dr. Shrink is encouraging me to work with reg Shrink some more, to share my concerns with her. And, honestly, I kind of feel like leaving now would be yet another loss. I need to have difficult conversations, anyway. And if it doesn't work out, then I'll know I did what I could. (Why does that sound familiar?)

Canceled my apt with the fertility shrink and said I would get back to her to reschedule, but I haven't. Haven't even listened to the message she left me more than a week ago.

Had a gm.ail chat with my brother, initially thanking him for his birthday wishes (yes, it was the 15th), and basically making peace. Also spent some time talking about how we can talk about his wife's pregnancy and baby (He said that, for fear of saying something dumb, he hasn't been saying anything to me). Explaining why I was kind of f'd up when we were in NY for the funeral -- wanting to be with my niece, yet wanting to run far away. Yes, I had to explain how and why that split me in two. He did say, though, that they have held back from talking about the pg on FB, specifically in consideration of me. He was very insistent that I should reach out to SIL to let her know I'm thinking about them and the baby. And that I'm looking forward to meeting my new niece or nephew.

This bothered me. Maybe it was just that it was the day after my birthday, but I felt like, WTF? I'm the one with the dead babies, and I have to make THEM feel better? SIL generally feels like we all don't like her (why? that whole conversion I-don't-want-anything-Jewish-in-my-home thing? Hm. Maybe). She has shown considerable growth since then, but still. Really? It's up to me to reassure her?

Well, okay. I reached out. I wished her happy anniversary on Tuesday. I sent her a note saying that I"m thinking about her/them. She responded.

I texted my sister after my convo with my brother to vent my indignation, but her phone was off (you'd think that in the neighborhood where they live, they'd get better cel reception). She called me back in the 5 minutes that she had while she was getting the baby ready for the three of them to go out to dinner. "See, this would be a great thing to talk to an IF shrink about, to try to figure out how to deal with all these things. Okay, gotta go. Talk to you later!"

Yeah. Just like she did after my mom's illness and death, she is putting the pain of IF and baby loss behind her. Like it was an ugly detour in an otherwise perfectly nice walk.

I asked her about Thanksgiving. (SIL is about 25 weeks, due the first week of Nov.) She is likely not going to NY for it, both because BIL will probably want the holiday at the house, but also because she is still pissed at my brother because he didn't show enough excitement about her daughter's arrival. Or something. How about being a grown up and not sinking to that level? I ask. Yeah, well, we'll see. So much for burying the hatchet, huh?

These two will never get along, they will never forgive each other. And guess who is stuck in the middle?

Oh, it just makes me want to scream.

I feel different. Maybe it's the drugs working already, but, I feel like I'm moving in a different direction. Or, similar direction, but a different route?

I don't know. If we are going to adopt, I would like to get started on that. But we will be leaving this town, likely this state, in a year or so. In the meantime, we can find workshops, read books, I guess.

I don't know where I'm going with my work. I think that's part of the anxiety. I need to know why I'm doing something, where it's going, so I can apply myself appropriately.

I also feel less sharp. Like I've lost some of the spark, the intellectual sharpness that may have been there (or that I imagine was there).

Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe I'll present my narrative at a conference. Maybe I"ll do work for an IF or DB org. Advocate for them with Congress. Get more research, more resources. Or try to.

One of those magazines had an article talking about the silence around IF and followed the plight of a couple spending $20K on their last ditch effort to get pregnant by going to that famous clinic in NY. It ended with her pregnant with twins of course. But there were some good points about getting the word out. Making ourselves heard. Last year, when I still had hope of a pregnancy, I talked a lot about being infertile. About losing my pregnancy. It made me feel powerful. But I wonder if that's not because I felt like.... Hm. Like I was almost done being IF. Like I could reclaim life after IF, after DB, by being positive. And all that would result in getting pg. Magical thinking anyone?

I don't know where I'm going. Or where I should be. I'm neither here, nor there.


Anonymous said...

I'm with you in spirit. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, even if they are painful. I can't imagine anyone comes to a dbm blog to see rays of sunshine shooting out of your ass. (Though that would be interesting!) I am glad you're starting to have the difficult conversations with your therapist (sorry, hate the word "shrink"). I haven't been the biggest fan of her responses to you, but she can't do anything to rectify them without the chance to process, and that takes two.

Thinking about the SIL problem. I get caught up in the "whose turn is it to be the grownup?" calculus frequently, and it's never proved beneficial to anyone. If she knew how it felt to be you, she'd not be such a ditz (or as much of one), but she doesn't, so she only has her own grief to measure your response by. It's not fair, I know. Maybe someday she'll get it, and can make it up to you somehow. But it might not be good for you to wait for that day to do unto her, etc. (I am slightly calling the kettle black, I know, but I'm giving you words I try to live by, too.) Wish I could be there to give you some company and hugs. XOXOX.

Anonymous said...

P.S. and it's clear you *are* being the grownup to your SIL--just wanted to make sure you know I see and laud your efforts! And I know they're efforts. B-U-H. xoxo

k@lakly said...

Wow, so much to ponder. Not having dealt with IF myself but only watched it from afar through my time here in db land, I'd like to say I think for most of us Non-IF'ers, we really have NO clue about the struggles, the ups and downs, the cycles, none of it. And, what's even wose, to me anyway, is that what we do see, in the way of media coverage, for the most part, are the success stories,the ones who went through_____(fill in the blak) and then BAM, got their bab(y)(ies) and of course, lived happily ever after.
Very rarely, at least to my knowledge, are the stories told from the ones who do not get there. Even when a story of adoption is covered(an adoption story that results from an IF) the part about the IF is glossed over. "We couldn't get we adopted" making that seem like an easy transition too.
I suspect, that in a way not unlike that of the DB moms, the outsiders would like us all just to quietly go away and stop talking about these things that make them uncomfortable, that don't have happy endings and are not easily gotten over.
I think lending your voice to the conversation that NEEDS to be had about the reality of IF, would be HUGE.
And as to the other 'stuff', I think, in the end, you need to do what you feel helps you go forward. It sounds like you have taken a step or two in a direction that feels solid for you. If the family drama is always going to be what it is, then let it go. You can only 'fix' you. Not them. But, if it feels hopelessly awkward to a point where you can't stand it, maybe instead of doing the eggshell tiptoe dance, just smash the hell out of a couple of dozen, say it all, say the honest ugly stuff, get it out in the open and see what happens.
I wish I had the perfect solution...wouldn't that be grand:)

Ya Chun said...

You really are in an in-between place. Finishing up your studies, getting jobs and moving, transitioning to adoption mode. You are going to have 'one of those years' where everything happens at once. (us too this year, at least the new job, and move part, throwing in the need to sell and buy houses)

Aunt Becky said...

I hate the Waiting Place. I'm in it too. Different Waiting Place, but the same feelings. Sorry, STE. Much love and I'm here if you need me. xoxo