drifting

I seem to be afraid to settle down. Or, rather, to focus.

Crying is good. Eating, sometimes.

Tired. Resisting focus.

My advisor/mentor is helping me, and very patiently. I seem to be failing him, too.

Couples therapist says that in pursuing a phd, I need to need it. To know I won't be complete without finishing it, contributing in some way.

My regular therapist seems to imply that I am far too focused on the pregnancy part, what about motherhood? I am coming to understand that there seems to be part of me that wants a do-over. To do it right. As if that will somehow undo all that has happened.

I failed at the most important thing I could ever try to do. Even if it's not true, it feels true.

Am I punishing myself, still? Is that why I can't let go? Why I don't push school as much? It feels so good, when I get into my work. When I am caught up in a thoughtful conversation about ideas I care about, with people whom I respect. When I can get the ideas down. Help a student learn something.

The only other time I felt as connected and hopeful was when I was pregnant. Yes, puking and miserable a lot. But good, too. Is it punishment or fear?

Jesus christ, how many times have I typed this? It's ridiculous. Christ.

*****
The couples counselor says I'm experiencing complicated grief. If I want to change shrinks, I need to find someone who specializes in this. In addition to infertility/loss/adoption issues.

I asked my shrink last week if she had been to Reso1ve.org, thinking perhaps she might do a little research about a condition her client has been dealing with for 5 years.

Nope.

I also had to explain the diff between IUI and IVF, and she used the dreaded "implant" instead of "transfer" in part of our discussion. I corrected her. She didn't like that.

My sister suggested at least the shrink at the big local clinic to at least begin my search. Couples therapist suggests really discussing this with current shrink before making any moves. I know she's right, but I'm apprehensive about confrontation. Not a great sign.

I gave my shrink my copy of the McCracken book. She thanked me and tossed it in her bag. Still, even with the beautiful, eloquence of the book, her experience subsequently was so different from mine.

*****
Yesterday was my niece's first birthday. I put together a slideshow of my pics, some from A's oldest friend, some from A. I told her I was working on something and asked for specific kinds of recent pics, some of which were done by a professional. I made the soundtrack S.arah McLa.chlan's "0rdinary Mirac1es." Turned out to be a good choice.

God, I cried so much putting it together. Pics of the baby from birth to as recent as last week, with her mom and dad, my dad, Grandma, me, my brother and his wife, A and friend... The pictures were of varying quality, but the prof ones especially with A and BIL interacting w the baby were just beautiful.

A looks so beautiful, especially when she's with the baby. And SO much like my mother. Especially with the baby.

I texted with A after she got it (BIL was on the phone). She liked it. Loved it. "Ugly crying," she said. I taked to her yesterday and told her I didn't know what I could get for her birthday that would be special. "This is priceless," she said.

It makes me glad to know. I have such complicated feelings. With her, with her and the baby...where do my eyes go when I watch? What is it that makes me cry?

If I ever get steady internet again (posting via Bb), I might post it. (Anonymity and all,) but, if you get a chance, listen to the song, and you'll probably get what I mean about some of this.

*****
Two of my dear friends have left our small college town for good. Trying to re-orient.

In a week, I turn 40. Not *quite* the dead end mentioned in WHMS), but it feels very, very significant, ad my body does seem to be changing against my will. (This is fodder for another post.*)

Things with my brother are non-existent. Total radio silence.

About 6 weeks til school starts again for the semester.
Life goes on, I guess.




(*Sorry this post was sooo looong. Thanks for reading.)