Saturday, November 29, 2008

Yesterday was a bad day

So, in fact was the one before it.

Thank you for your responses to my last few posts. Just some things rolling around in my head. I wasn't going to do a thanksgiving type post, because, honestly, there's not a lot I feel thankful for. This is not the holiday it's supposed to be and (despite some assistance from meds and the doggie), I really am struggling to feel positive about anything. My "up", really is just not worrying about *something* or bitching at C.

So, when I was thinking to myself, "everything sucks," and "I don't have anything good," and the holidays are all consumerised and if I hear the word Christmas associated with the phrase "give them what they really want this year" I was about to lose it.

I tried to distract myself with grading the dreaded student papers, but couldn't get beyond the (very generous) APA style check because at least a half a dozen of them were so egregious (just follow the sample, people!), even C was kind of cowering at my ranting. So much for that.

So we took the dog for her evening walk, and she did a good job, and the air was not bitterly cold the way it has been, and we all came back feeling a little better. Until the dog tried to chase one of the cats and there was some drama, but everyone came out unscathed.

And the adrenaline or endorphins or whatever they were kicked in and it occurred to me that, okay, I don't have my sons, I do have a safe home a good relationship, and wild kingdom in my living room. Friends and family who love me.

A few years ago Jim Ca.rrey and Kate Win.slet starred in a small film in which, for a fee, one could have entire memories of a relationship completely erased from one's mind. Just gone. No pain, no muss, no fuss. Wake up, and the relationship is gone. In recent weeks, I've had the, well, almost the wish to just remove Septe.mber to Januar.y (maybe even today) from my mind. Just go in and scoop it out. All the nausea and puking, hospital stays, exhaustion, worries, pain, loss, grief... you get the idea. Just erase it. Take it out. I'm tired of feeling all this, it hurts too much, it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere (I know my shrink would disagree), because honestly, I just want to feel okay again. I had been on my way to feeling okay, achieving some goals, coming into my own.

And then I got pregnant. Very pregnant. And I was sick, and lost them and all that pain and so much of it was just so terribly hard. How nice it would be to go on with my life as if nothing at all happened.

But I know. I know that in between the puking and the doctor visits and worry, and all of that, I was just so happy. After we saw the heartbeats, I knew we were in it for the long haul. Even though I had puked three times already that day and just wanted something to stop the nausea, I knew that we would be part of the 85% that made it. I loved them already. I didn't even know it yet.

And yes, I felt special because I was going through something difficult for something good, and I was making jokes, too. When I was losing weight and crying because I just wanted to eat something and enjoy it without throwing it up, I loved them already.

And when I felt something lurch in my belly, and put my hand there, and something, someone pushed back...I loved them already, at 17 weeks.

I was happy. I had no idea how happy. And it wasn't until that morning, Christmas morning at 10, when I leaked all over my pajama and the bathroom floor and knew something was horribly wrong... it wasn't until then that I knew how happy I was, and I knew how much I loved them.

So that whole, scooping out chunks of my memory, could I do that without losing those good parts? In the movie, it's all or nothing. I really don't want to lose that love, that joy. I fear, though that I've already lost it, it's so far away.

I can't have my boys, but I'm so very thankful that I got to love them.


noswimmers said...

Oh hun...I am so sorry. This post brings up so many feelings.
Sending you love and strength as you go through the holiday season. I'll be thinking about you.

Aunt Becky said...




Tash said...

I actually quoted this movie in a therapy session. I wanted a lobotomy. I wanted to erase every single thing that happened between consulting the RE and Feb. 18 when she died in our arms. All of it. Gone. Poof. There was -- and in fact, still is -- nothing much there that I care to remember. I don't look at pictures from then. I block it out.

I'd like to say I was happy, but actually I was pretty miserable. You were barfing, I was bleeding, and I was not so very happy in between spells. I was stressed out. I wanted the pregnancy over. I never wanted to be in that condition again.

I want to forget all of that, too.

Hang in there. These feelings? Normal in my book. You'll find though, as much as you want to forget, that the weeks and days preceding suddenly come into technicolor focus. And man, is it rough. Thinking of you mightily.

luna said...

you evoke some really beautiful feelings here, sue. I think it's totally natural to want to be rid of that pain, in any way possible. if only it were that easy. somehow feeling that love is what makes it hurt so badly. I don't think there is one without the other, truly.

thinking of you.

Ya Chun said...

Perhaps a mantra for the bad days:
"I'm thankful to love them"

(Because you still do)

Reba said...

One of my favorite things about that movie is how Joel figures out exactly what you did...he doesn't want to lose those happy memories. If he has to lose the happy along with the sad, then he'll keep it all. (Too bad he realizes it too late, though.)

Hugs from a lurker...

Martin said...


The Turtle and the Monkey said...

I am so sorry that this season is so difficult. I know that many of the memories are terribly painful. Hold on to the love you feel for your babies. Let them be your guiding light.

You are in my thoughts.

CLC said...

I have thought of that movie often as well. And while there was time when I wanted to forget all of it, I don't feel that way anymore. I still hate the flashbacks, but I love the little memories of the kicks, etc. It's all we have really. Here's hoping the holidays pass quickly!

c. said...

I don't think I'd erase any part of C. I'd like to erase the time that came after, this year of heartache and longing and loss of hope. But C, I could never erase him.

Keeping you and your boys in my heart, Sue, especially as Christmas approaches. XO.

Julia said...

I am sorry, Sue... This is a terrible place you are in, and a very difficult time. The whole month coming up on my one year was pretty rough for me, and you have all these compounding factors... the effing holidays, for one. I am so sorry.

And I am sorry that I haven't been around, haven't been here to offer what meager support I can. I just caught up, and now I am here, and not disappearing again, if I can help it at all.