Saturday, November 22, 2008

I'm doing okay.

Thank you so much for your loving and thoughtful comments. It means a lot to hear from you. You are an amazing group of people. My brain feels kind of disorganized, but I'll share some of what is going on.

-- B&K found the blog, and though they have not indicated their feelings about it, I'm trying to sort through my own.

-- C and I got a dog. Her name is Stella and she's a 3-year old beagle-beagle mix. Extremely sweet, overall very good with the cats (Hazel laid down and took a nap with her the other day) and pretty low maintenance. After both my shrink and Dr. Shrink independently said a low-key dog might be a good idea, a reason to get out of bed, I went to the shelter for a doggie-date. That went well, so we did an overnight, and that sealed the deal. (Boy, am I glad I'm not dating anymore.)

She gets kind of anxious when I leave and I'm sure I'm going to have a post full of questions, soon, but in the meantime, so far so good. Caring for this little creature is bringing up quite a bit of miscellaneous anxiety for me, along with the "new parent" sort of concerns. C is smitten with her, and we often go for evening walks together.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking, but really? It feels good. We both get our walks and I jump right out of bed to take her out in the morning and, more than not, it feels good to have new love of this little creature. Something that's nice, is that she's too short to jump on the furniture (so far), so the cats still dominate anything that's 2 feet or higher.

I'm focused on something, even though I still feel a lot of anxiety, it's nice to have something like this to worry about, too, rather than just my dismal future. Sometimes distraction is good. And, oh, she is so sweet.

-- The week before we got her, I was having almost daily meltdowns and not getting out of bed except for school. Dr. Shrink adjusted my meds slightly again. I was joking about maybe a residential stay because I was wondering how I was going to get through the week, let alone the anniversaries. It wasn't that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to live this life. I am still depressed and anxious, but slightly more functional. C says I seem brighter, better. I have actually gone a couple of days without crying.

-- My shrink thinks this experience may potentially help me work through some of my "mother" issues (with losing the boys, both with becoming and being a mother, and missing my own mother). The week before Stella came home, I woke up saying "Mom!" a number of times. Hasn't happened since.

-- I'm still freaking about school, and getting used to the idea that right now I really am disabled. However, after my petition was approved (boy did that hurt more than I thought it would), my department chair sent me an email saying that she was glad that I was taking care of myself, and that they were not letting go of me, they would be there when I was feeling better.

-- So, yesterday, or the day before, I realized that, just for a moment, I had a glimpse of something in my mind's eye that looked kind of like hope. Just for a very brief moment. It was scary, but short. But the memory of the moment has stayed with me.



luna said...

yay for doggies! she is really adorable. pups have a way of bringing so much love and affection into your life, let alone laughter and loyalty. sounds like you are all enjoying each other.

you sound really good sue. like the counseling is helping, the meds mixture may be coming together, the jumping out of bed in the morning and walks at night -- all really good things.

this is such a long hard road -- please be easy on yourself.

Bonny said...

Have been thinking about you. Dogs are good therapy.

Aunt Becky said...

Dogs can be a wonderful therapy. Not puppies, tho. So glad you didn't go down that route because, yeah, not so easy. She's adorable, my friend.

I've been thinking of you a lot. And I'm glad for the update.

Newt said...

Stella is beautiful. And ditto Luna--you do sound good. I hope things continue to improve, and hope becomes a more daily occurrence.

Sending best wishes.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for updating us. Dogs are so wonderful for the spirit. I am so glad you have Stella to help you through this. She is beautiful, and that's great that she is good with the cats. I wish we could have a dog, but my husband is allergic.

Hold on to those glimpses of hope.

erica said...

Stella is lovely, and I'm glad for any comfort she can give you. It's also a very good thing that your department values you as you deserve and that your chair is letting you know that.

Ya Chun said...


Glad you are feeling better, and hopping out of bed!

Now that I work from home, my dog really misses me when I go out. I guess it is kinda nice to be missed...

c. said...

She's adorable, Sue. And you sound good. I hope it continues. XO.

Mrs. Spit said...

Whenever I see a beagle, I think they are irrepresable. I'm so glad you have bit of an old soul for company and therapy. She's wonderful Sue, glad she found you.

Heather said...

Beautiful doggie!

Those glimpses of hope can mean the world... here's hoping more of them come your way.

Mo said...

So glad to hear that your feeling the slightest bit better. I think the dog idea is a good one. My husband and I are thinking that if we go through another loss (we've had 3 this year, but nothing like what you've gone through) we may go that route, mostly for me, and mostly so that I have some creature to nurture, who needs me, even if I feel like I am of no use to anyone.

Keep hanging in. You're in the thoughts of many.


CLC said...

What an adorable dog!! I am glad you got her, I think she will be good for you. I hope the glimpses of hope continue and get stronger.

Martin said...

She looks beautiful.

I wish we could do the same, just not possible day to day.

A great friend.

loribeth said...

Awww! What a cute dog! Glad she is helping you some. : )

Tash said...

Oh dear God, how did I miss this??!! She's ADORABLE!

When I lived in the midwest, as a young thing, many moons ago, I decided that I wasn't going to let winter control me. I did my best to get outdoors, run in the snow, ice skate, whatever. Or else I knew I would go batshit sitting inside for months on end.

A dog is like that. She will get you out, and you will get faint rays of vit D, and it will be good for you. You will have someone to talk to. You will get unconditional love.

G$ said...

I love her! I love that you guys got her! My dog has really helped me more than I can express through this. Sure it lends to a lot more fear, etc in terms of, OMG if something happens to him...

Big love to all 3 of you.