Saturday, April 12, 2008

35 Weeks, 0 Days

I spent today sleeping. Again.

I need to stop thinking about myself in terms of what "would have been." I would have been huge. We probably would have been talking about induction or C-section. I would have stopped the lov.enox and switched to the hep. Picking up the last few things. Coordinating with people, who would come visit when. Watching my belly as my boys squirmed for what little room there was left.

I need to stop.

Almost every Saturday, I sleep too late. Get up, eat something. Putter. Take a long nap. Wake again and find something for dinner. Take drugs so I can fall asleep before 3am.

Every Saturday, I think how many weeks I would be. That's when the next week would turn. The IUI was on a Saturday. I told my dad on a Saturday (at 4 weeks). Saturdays were usually the worst puking days.

It's more than 14 weeks since I delivered. I know I need to stop. It's like re-opening the wound. But somehow... I don't know. This is really all I have left.


luna said...

this is so hard. the days leading up to my due date were the worst. it's impossible NOT to think of what should have been... I'm not saying it's easy after that -- of course you will always think of the boys that should have been newborns, toddlers, celebrating birthdays. but those first few months are so hard. be easy on yourself. give yourself the time and space to feel what you need to... thinking of you. ~luna

Tash said...

It's horrible, it seems no matter the scenario there's always a chasm in there that needs waiting through and remembering. I think it must be impossible to stop thinking that way, and I'm so sorry you are in a position where you do.

Newt said...

Oh heck. I'm not saying our situations are the same at all, but I didn't realize how close our original EDD's must have been. We should be about the same place now. I'm so sorry. I wish we were both finishing nurseries, instead of all this. Hugs from me.

Amy said...

It all sucks, all of the what if's are always the hardest. I wish you weren't here. I wish you didn't know this pain. I'm sorry you do.

If there is something, anything I can do feel free to email me and tell me what it is! tractorpoor at aol dot com
Thinking of you and wishing you some sort of peace!

Anonymous said...

it's really cruel how we change our mileposts... before/after death; and there is the dreaded hour, day of week, day of month, etc.... hugs to you.

Julia said...

Approaching the due date is hard, and I am not sure you will be able to stop thinking this way until it passes. I only had a bit more than five weeks in between, but it was still a hard line to cross. I am sorry.

c. said...

I think you'll always think "what would have been". After you cross that due date marker, it changes to encompass the birth of your babies and every week seems to bring sad memories of where THEY would have been. Thinking of you, STE. I'm sorry.

Busted said...

Saturday was our "new week" milestone too. I also wake up every Saturday now and think where I would/should be - even worse, I think "if they were born now they'd be ok." I know our loss just happened, but somehow I suspect that won't ever change. It will just morph into how old they should be, instead of how pregnant we should be.

I think it can be helpful to reopen the wound. At least it is feeling something, and a connection to your twins.

I'm sure this isn't helping, other than providing yet another example of how we're feeling almost the exact same things. I'm so sorry.

Lilli and family said...

I'm so sorry - I just stumbled onto your blog via Busted's blog. I had a miscarriage, which I readily admit is not the same as what you have been through, but I think I still have/had some of the same feelings. I wish I could tell you that you'll stop thinking about dates; even now that I've had my baby (our next pregnancy went to term) I still think sometimes about how old our first baby would be, or what s/he would have been doing. I think the only thing that provides me any comfort or relief when those thoughts pop up is the fact that I have my daughter instead and I look at her and marvel at the miracle that she is.

no one should have to lose a pregnancy or baby, whether it's through miscarriage or stillbirth. it's not fair and it's so painful; it's not how things are supposed to happen. the only good (and I use that word only because I can't find another one) is that I don't take one second of my baby for granted.

I'm so sorry that you lost your babies. I sincerely hope that you and your husband will find the strength to help each other through this and that you have better days ahead.

Antigone said...

My brain won't even let me think about that stuff.