Holding My Breath

So, I had therapy today, for the first time in almost a month. It was fine. A bit of a catch-up, but we talked about the cycle and about the holidays, and how I've been stuck, unable to write, get my work done. Feeling down, lost with work, with reproduction. I'll spare you the details, but when I left I felt okay, but like we had only really started talking about things. So, you know, maybe the beginning of productive.

And then I got on the highway and started cursing and giving everyone the finger. (Okay, honestly, the first car I got behind was taking up the whole road at 35 on a 50 mph stretch. And no one around here seems to be able to figure out which lane is the fast or passing lane, and which is the slow lane. Really, people!)

Anyway, I noticed that everything was pissing me off. Nothing decent on the radio, and I went through a few cds before finding one I could tolerate. It was an 1ndigo G1rls concert album. Ever since college, I've enjoyed much of the IGs music, but I have a history of putting them on when I was traveling and/or feeling melancholy and I would often end up crying as I sang along.

Yes, of course, I ended up crying today. Hard. Really hard. And it had nothing to do with the song.

I was flooded with feelings of grief and loss and missing the boys. Regret, too. Flashbacks from that period of time. The sky was white today, and it was raw and cold, as it was 2 years ago. Then, it seemed every single day of January was raw and cold and stark. Oh, I felt it today.

And I realized, when I got home, that I hadn't really let loose and had a good cry in the last month. The month of anniversaries of loss and pain and, well, the holidays. I got teary, I got anxious. I never gave into it though.

I've been holding everything in. I've been expending so much energy not being sad, not giving in to the grief, not really feeling anything, that I had nothing left for anything else. If I let my brain go and write, or focus on reading, I might go to some bad place.

Which, ironically, I did anyway. I have been immobile for almost a month. No school work, little housework, walking the dog (in the bitter cold, btw) -- it was all too much. And I've felt unsettled, but couldn't identify the source. When I wrote yesterday, I knew I wasn't getting anywhere. It was a weak, going nowhere post. Stuck? Absolutely.

A few days ago, this post from m at The Maybe Baby (Babies) popped up on my reader. Among other things, she writes about avoiding the elephant in the corner. Pretending there is nothing there because it's painful to think about, to feel. I could relate to many things in the post, but especially this. It's so hard to go back to that place. I felt something like it last November. I was feeling something over the last few weeks, but couldn't put my finger on it. Or wouldn't. It wasn't the same thing as last November, not the same thing as last year, or even two year ago. More angry. Definitely way more angry. Angry and sad. Disappointed. Scared. Frustrated.

Too hard to go there. And as I sat in my living room talking to C about this, I realized that I was exhausted. I felt like I'd been holding my breath for a really long time and had just let it out. I had been holding on to a lot. In my mind, in my body. That migraine from last week? My RE also does acupuncture and acupressure, and treated my back on Friday. He found a trigger point in my neck. I was holding everything in my shoulders, too. Even after the needles, when I was much looser, everything hurt. Everything was incredibly tight, my muscles were sore the following day, and still needed more treatment. I've had recurring headaches. My stomach has been a mess. I haven't been able to let go of the computer or the tv or the b.berry so I could just lay down and sleep. (This is where I started to cry in my pharm's office. Hmmm.) My sinuses have been aching. I've been pulling away from fun, from phone calls, from socializing with friends on fb, even. At least one of my friends noticed and said she was worried about me. That annoyed me. Why?

Because I couldn't talk about it. I didn't even know what I was resisting. I even avoided phone calls from my sister. Haven't done that in a long time.

C has been really frustrated with me. I've been hunkered down in the bedroom, hidden away, not getting anything done. Not participating, not really cooperating. Of course, he didn't say anything until today. I could feel him pulling away, too, and it pissed me off. So I pulled away more. That's healthy.

More loneliness. I have been compartmentalizing without even realizing it. Feeling something, resisting or ignoring it. So this is being strong? I wonder if I had just had a meltdown or two around the holidays if we would have been spared this.

*****
It's so weird to write about all this. Not my best articulation of an idea. I am not done. I am not healed. But I have broken through something, I think. Perhaps it has begun.

The mind is an amazing, great and terrible thing. And my body carried what I have not been able to. My body has been holding on to all that stuff because I have not been able to recognize it.

*****
The lines are just about gone. FMU showed almost nothing. Today is 13dpo. I have almost no hope for this cycle. Beta is Friday, which, btw, is 2 years since the d&c to resolve the infection. I expect nothing, and will likely not even poas again until then.

Thanks for your encouragement and your support. I'm really glad you're here.

Stuck

I can't seem to get school work done.

I can't seem to get housework done.

I can't get words written.

I can't

I can't even write it. Not in one sentence. I can't.

*****

I have a bad feeling about this cycle. Oh, I was all hopeful for a little while. Mid-2ww optimism, I guess.

I can't seem to give this up. Yet, I can't seem to be successful at it, either.

I can't make a baby.

I know, I'm not the only one.

I hear my sister's voice in my head, saying, "Why not have hope? It's not going to hurt more if it doesn't work and you have hope." So why does it feel like it does? Maybe it's a respite, hope. Imagining a good outcome. It takes me out of this place. It's landing back here that hurts so much. That and the crushing disappointment. Fear of...what? I don't even know.

Facing facts. Maybe that's it.

Moving forward. Onward. Away. Can't seem to move.

Why is being pregnant so important? A child is the goal. Parenting is what I want to do. After all, my body doesn't really do pregnancy well anyway. Puking, clotting, water breaking, etc.

And yet.

I want it so much. And I don't know how much longer I can do this.

12 dpo**

Wow. So, it's been a while. Sorry about that.

It's been a weird difficult couple of weeks. Well, 13 days.

Fortunately, I've been busy enough that I haven't been counting the moments until I could poas. Unfortunately, I've been kind of a mess.

The semester started again this past week. The weekend before that included a visit from my dad, which was nice, except for the migraine I developed (complete with nausea) the day before he arrived. I pounded the Tyle.nol and we each took a nap each day, so we were able to do stuff and enjoy the time together. I finally took some OTC migraine medicine the day before he left and it went away, mostly.

I haven't been able to get much work done. Not what I've needed to. There's a lot of sitting and staring. Sleeping. Compulsively screwing around on line and with my phone. I cried at the pharm's office, kind of out of the blue.

I'd like to believe this has been recovery from the holidays and anniversaries, combined with all the drugs and hormones. I haven't taken any K since probably 1 or 2 dpo. And even that was a tiny dose. I just need to get my butt in gear.

*****
So, today is 12 dp. Past ovulation. Past the second IUI. I did a bo.oster hcg shot a week ago. It was Ovi.drel, one of those 250 iu doses. Anyone know how long that takes to metabolize? I've been poas since Friday night to see if I could see it disappear from my system, but the line (light, but very clear) doesn't seem to be getting lighter. Haven't tried yet today, but will be soon. Maybe today's will show something useful.

Aren't you proud of me? I waited until the evening of 10 dp to start with this craziness. I didn't feel like I was hy.persti.mming, so I thought the booster would be a good idea, especially in that it would force me to wait a bit before getting out the pee sticks. Of course, now I'm googling "ovid.rel metabolize" instead of "oh.ss." Ah, well.

*****
I have really been struggling to write, to read, to focus on anything. Even drafting a blog post felt like a lot. But, as usual, writing makes me feel a little better. Maybe I'm turning the corner, even though this is a lame, whiny post about how fucked up I've been.

Thanks for sticking around. By Tuesday, the sticks should be back to stark white. Or, you know, who knows. I'll keep you posted.


**ETA: The line is much lighter than yesterday. This is either good or bad. We shall see, I guess.

In Memory

"Funeral Blues"

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

~ W. H. Auden

Well...

I made it through two years. Though the trauma, and the real ugliness was only about to begin. It's been two years, by the tick of the clock. It feels far away. I kind of feel like I'm bouncing between ignoring it, or rather, acknowledging it, but not freaking out, and freaking out. (I think that sentence needs more commas.) What I'm trying to say, is that I seem to be spinning between feeling it, really just immersing myself in the memories and the pain, and distancing myself, feeling sad, but keeping it far away. Distracting myself.

When the moments ticked by, I was obsessively playing some stupid puzzle game on FB, instead of doing work, instead of cleaning up instead of going to bed so I can get some sleep before our futile IUI tomorrow. I'm ready for C to be home already. I've been living in borderline anxiety for 10 days, avoiding the Klo.nopin and At.ivan since Day 1. I took one tonight. I figure since I haven't ovulated yet, it shouldn't do any harm. Not that there will be anything to harm anyway.

My SIL, one of C's sisters, remembered the date, and posted a very sweet status on FB, about her nephews whom she never got to meet, and their mom and dad. It rips my heart out. I'm okay until I think about that. So I don't. Much.

*****
I've been trying to work on this project*. Women and loss/if and academia. Trying to get it done for Friday (my dad comes in on Thursday, but, oh well). It's bringing up stuff. Or rather, when I actually do anything for it, it brings stuff up. Of course, I'm trying to do this during a cycle and on anniversaries, so, you know, poor planning on my part. But I have to get this part of the project in on Friday, or 10 points per day of the top.

*****
Thanks for your support through these difficult days.



*I want to thank everyone who sent me an email or comment volunteering to help out with my project. I haven't gotten to respond to everyone individually yet, but am anticipating that this will be a larger project, possibly a paper -- though likely not for a few months (6 or 8). I hope that you will consider participating at that time, too. I will definitely be in touch.

Also?

Just to add to the joy of this day (as long as I'm feeling bitter), it was today, Janu.ary 2, 2008, when I was supposed to be induced at the local hospital, somewhat ironically referred to around here as McKill'em and Hide 'em.

At this point, around 10:30, I had already been sent home because some law said they couldn't do it there, what with the minimal staff or something. (When I get to a real computer, I'll link to the post that explains it.)

Yes, at this point, I was back in my street clothes, hoping the IV ativ.an would last a good long while, and wondering what was going to happen next. Turns out, the next day, I would head into the city, to the university hospital for the real thing.

*****
I'm at C.VS waiting for my prescriptions for the 2ww and just looked up to see a hugely pregnant woman picking up her prescriptions. Of course I did, because at 10:30 on a Saturday morning, in this one-horse town, where else would she be? 10 feet from me is exactly right.

Wow. That's a lot of bitching. Thanks for listening. What are you bitching about today?

You'd have thought I'd have learned by now

Just had my 3rd u/s appt with the RE. Of the four folls, only one grew significantly, another grew a little and the others not really at all.

This has never happened to me before. "As you approach 40...Do as much as we can to make the most of each cycle..." Yeah, thanks. We're doing back to back IUIs to try to maximize our chances, considering what we are lacking seems to be growing. If that makes any sense.

Silly me. I'd been getting my hopes up for this one.