Monday, February 7, 2011


It's not simply the loss. Or the continued infertility.

It's what comes next.

It's pretty much looking like we're staying here for another year. C has been offered the visiting prof position again and thee job search came up with, well, not much in the way of options.

So. If we're going to try IVF, it's probably gotta be this year.  So, we shell out Grandma's money and get a consult and try to go to the top place in NYC. Except I'll need some baseline testing (day 3 stuff), so where do I do that? Who do I go to to see if I can actually sustain a pregnancy? Who do I see to do that?

Should I actually get pregnant, I'm gonna need a lot of physical and emotional support. I figure I can find a specialist, but what about day to day? As is the nature of grad school and living/working in a college town, people come and go. My dearest friends, the kind i'd lean on are far away, and others in my program who I might be able to call on? I don't know that they'd even be here next year.

Of course, if I asked, I know I could stay with family in NY or LA.  But that would mean being 1000 miles away from C. At least. And leaving this whole life on his shoulders.

Then there's tthe possibility of adoption. Which we are both open to, but which scares the he'll out of me. Finding the right march, the right relationship, hoping that pregnancy is healthy, and that the birth mother, whom I'm asking to make this enormous sacrifice doesn't change her mind. I know the chances are slim in that regard, but i've also learned that chances don't mean much til you're on the wrong side of them.

Besides, considering our grad school debt, living in a rental, year to year i.come, possibly moving in a year and our primary support systems in transition, *I* wouldn't consider us good candidates.  We need to start researching anyway, and try to find at least a support group. To start.

I'm in so much flux. I look at pictures of my newest nieces and my heart aches. I was blowing kisses via sky-pe with the older one the other day.

I just get...flashes of emotion: joy,  fear, anticipation around...I don't even know. Baby feelings, I guess.

And anger. And envy. And regret.

Maybe I'm starting to realize that this may be it for us. I've read others and how they've come to understand it and, despite the grief, they seem to embrace it. Maybe I'm reading into it, or misunderstanding them. But I'm not there.

I need to do something. Or any opportunity we have may pass us by.  I think that would be the worst thing of all.

I can't seem to figure out how to shake the learned helplessness. And to feel hopeful again.

Hopeful is feeling a bit far away at the moment.


Sara said...

The instability and insecurity are definitely among the more difficult parts of academia, but it's hard to realize and talk about them seriously until the realities of being so far away from, and usually so freaking broke, are highlighted through tragedy.

I am sorry the job search didn't bring any great things, but glad C. can stay where you are for another year. That's definitely something, reduces one fear at least. Plus, I know where you are, and can find you.

It is what it is said...

As a long time follower, I just want to encourage you to do something to advance the ball down the court. Whatever that is and whatever you think makes the most sense for you and C at this time, try to do something. I have found that 'idle hands are the devils playground' and action brings its own rewards (simply for being productive, regardless of outcome). Inertia is a silent foe.

erica said...

I wish this weren't all so very, very hard. I wish I had some answers or even some good advice. As I don't, I'm just hoping really hard that hopeful finds you, and soon.

Ya Chun said...

Ah, that's what I hate about academia too. We've got to move this year, just when I am starting to meet other moms.

But, what Triple S and I have learned alot about is self-reliance. Really, I think we get through all of this by ourselves. Even tough we went to the dr more frequently, it was just us. Maybe a dopplar for you once you get there.

But I think you're right about getting a move on. Just do it. Seize the day. All that stuff. And I think you have a great support group - here!

I was also wondering if there were such things as IVF support groups. or someway to find just one couple going through treatments around the same time. I *finally* found one gal I jive with, and it is great! I just sent her a personal message from meetup - because I am not really into the big group thing.

Anyway, I am rambling. Just know that I will try to be there for you in anyway that I can. Let me know what you need.

And what better way to spend grandma's money than on making a family... xoxo