It's not simply the loss. Or the continued infertility.
It's what comes next.
It's pretty much looking like we're staying here for another year. C has been offered the visiting prof position again and thee job search came up with, well, not much in the way of options.
So. If we're going to try IVF, it's probably gotta be this year. So, we shell out Grandma's money and get a consult and try to go to the top place in NYC. Except I'll need some baseline testing (day 3 stuff), so where do I do that? Who do I go to to see if I can actually sustain a pregnancy? Who do I see to do that?
Should I actually get pregnant, I'm gonna need a lot of physical and emotional support. I figure I can find a specialist, but what about day to day? As is the nature of grad school and living/working in a college town, people come and go. My dearest friends, the kind i'd lean on are far away, and others in my program who I might be able to call on? I don't know that they'd even be here next year.
Of course, if I asked, I know I could stay with family in NY or LA. But that would mean being 1000 miles away from C. At least. And leaving this whole life on his shoulders.
Then there's tthe possibility of adoption. Which we are both open to, but which scares the he'll out of me. Finding the right march, the right relationship, hoping that pregnancy is healthy, and that the birth mother, whom I'm asking to make this enormous sacrifice doesn't change her mind. I know the chances are slim in that regard, but i've also learned that chances don't mean much til you're on the wrong side of them.
Besides, considering our grad school debt, living in a rental, year to year i.come, possibly moving in a year and our primary support systems in transition, *I* wouldn't consider us good candidates. We need to start researching anyway, and try to find at least a support group. To start.
I'm in so much flux. I look at pictures of my newest nieces and my heart aches. I was blowing kisses via sky-pe with the older one the other day.
I just get...flashes of emotion: joy, fear, anticipation around...I don't even know. Baby feelings, I guess.
And anger. And envy. And regret.
Maybe I'm starting to realize that this may be it for us. I've read others and how they've come to understand it and, despite the grief, they seem to embrace it. Maybe I'm reading into it, or misunderstanding them. But I'm not there.
I need to do something. Or any opportunity we have may pass us by. I think that would be the worst thing of all.
I can't seem to figure out how to shake the learned helplessness. And to feel hopeful again.
Hopeful is feeling a bit far away at the moment.