I defended my comps yesterday and passed with flying colors. (Isn't that a great expression? "Flying colors." So visually evocative.)
Anyway, all the agonizing and self-flagellation was apparently in vain because the preparation I did to defend what I said in (and clarify and expand on) my papers were satisfactory. I was so nervous, but once we got started it was almost fun. Only got through three of the five responses, and the deliberation was all of two minutes. My adviser was grinning ear to ear. He said it was one of the best defenses he's attended in several years.
There was a glitch, though, in that I was supposed to have the defense on Monday, but it turned out that for a variety of reasons, only half my committee would be able to be there -- so it was CANCELED. Well, postponed. Four hours before the appointed time.
I had a visceral reaction, like ptsd or something. It felt kind of like it did the first day I was supposed to deliver the boys and they sent me home even though I was already in the gown with the IV in my arm. What? But I'm ready. I've gone through the agony of deciding to do this and preparing to do it and What?? I have to put it off?
It wouldn't have been so bad, but then I went shopping instead and got overloaded with Christmas at the mall. That combined with the glitch... Oh, and the $165 speeding ticket I got on my way to said mall. 63 in a 45.
I'm exhausted and am taking my adviser's advice by taking it easy this weekend. I'm anticipating ordering in Chinese food for dinner and napping and sleeping a lot. I still have some stuff to do to finish an incomplete so my comps can be official, but it shouldn't be too bad. Stella slept on me for 2 hours last night after we got home from celebratory drinks. We are all feeling a bit relieved, I think.
But I did it.