Friday, August 13, 2010

Okay

Who's tired of hearing me bitch and moan? Who's tired of me ignoring all the good things I have in my life, like an amazing husband, a roof over my head, good friends, and food in my stomach?

Yeah, I know.

I"m in a place I never thought I'd be. But one I always feared I'd be.

Well, let me be clear. There was a long time I thought I'd be alone forever. That I would, literally, die alone.

Then, it seemed, there was hope for more, and even more...

As an infertile, I looked around, and *forgive me,* I thought to myself, please don't let that be me. Never getting pregnant. Or, then, pregnant and losing it. Late. And then never getting pregnant again.

Well, guess what.

I know, it's not generous. I know. I'm a bitch, and let me tell you, I often feel like I'm being punished for it.

I started reading Alexa over at Flotsam, the book she wrote. She's the one who had the IF, lost one of her twins and got a living, healthy child out of it. And she wrote a book. Good, so far, too. But it rips me apart, too. My doppleganger* got the baby I didn't.

More alone.

I'm great at feeling sorry for myself. Lord knows. Everyone knows.

I'm trying though. I really am.

But I keep getting flooded with other stuff. Like panic. Like overwhelming sadness. Grief. Guilt. Hopelessness.

Paralysis.

Which of course frustrates the shit out of everyone I know.

I keep trying and i keep getting knocked down.

Yeah, I know, courage (or something like it) is getting up again.

It's really hard. Really, really hard. And I keep getting blindsided.

And I want to feel normal and healthy and hopeful. Because when I am, well, look out.

Be it chemical or physical or emotional, it's feeling kind of out of control lately.

and last night I came to the overwhelming realization that I am letting it win.

And I hate that. I don't want that.

And I am so gripped by the sadness and the grief and the guilt, and now the shame of letting all of this take over my life. I have become one of those people I feared I would. One of those people I looked at and said, wow. Hope that's not me.

Guess what.

I've never felt a depth and such overwhelming...feeling as I have when I was pregnant (joy, anticipation, connection), when we lost them, everything associated with all of this. Grief, sadness, anger, isolation, alienation, envy.

Maybe it is that I don't want to let go of them altogether. Maybe it's all I have.

Maybe I don't want to let go of the dream I had for myself. That I finally let myself have when we finally got pregnant.

Whatever.

I have and am pushing away everyone. I am asking for failure. I am asking for punishment and isolation.

I'm so tired of all this.



*We got pregnant with twins the same week. Due the same day. Lost one twin, but she wound up delivering the remaining, living one, at almost 26 weeks. I had been following her blog from before we got pregnant.

4 comments:

CDE said...

I know this struggle, this awareness, this rage, this feeling that the loss is winning is terrible. But it means you're thinking and feeling what's going on in your head.

Pain means you're still fighting. Still fighting is good.

Tash said...

What CDE said.

I don't think you could ever forget them, forget that feeling. There's nothing that says you need to let it go, but it sounds like you need to juggle it, balance it, with some other feelings in order to get through your days. And that's really tough to do.

Dopplegangers/Shadows are so hard to deal with. I lucked out -- mine moved away.

Michele said...

Sometimes we are all bitches... And that's okay.

You havent pushed everyone away... Still here... Still hoping... Still sending love.

lis said...

i feel your words and could have written many of them myself. i wish things were different. you deserve the right to complain. just because you have food in your stomach does not mean that you haven't been through hell and back and still visit regularly. i understand. i hope others do too. and i wish a brighter day and some peace for you. i know how you are feeling. i have days of just sick sick grief. i know they will never end. i wish i could say something helpful, i feel like im probably depressing you more, but i know i always hate when someone comes to a gloomy blog post of mine and tries to be perky. so ill just sit by you and tell you i understand, its so so hard and none of us ever thought we would grow up into a world where babies die. its so fucked up and im so sorry.
xoxo
lis