Who's tired of hearing me bitch and moan? Who's tired of me ignoring all the good things I have in my life, like an amazing husband, a roof over my head, good friends, and food in my stomach?
Yeah, I know.
I"m in a place I never thought I'd be. But one I always feared I'd be.
Well, let me be clear. There was a long time I thought I'd be alone forever. That I would, literally, die alone.
Then, it seemed, there was hope for more, and even more...
As an infertile, I looked around, and *forgive me,* I thought to myself, please don't let that be me. Never getting pregnant. Or, then, pregnant and losing it. Late. And then never getting pregnant again.
Well, guess what.
I know, it's not generous. I know. I'm a bitch, and let me tell you, I often feel like I'm being punished for it.
I started reading Alexa over at Flotsam, the book she wrote. She's the one who had the IF, lost one of her twins and got a living, healthy child out of it. And she wrote a book. Good, so far, too. But it rips me apart, too. My doppleganger* got the baby I didn't.
I'm great at feeling sorry for myself. Lord knows. Everyone knows.
I'm trying though. I really am.
But I keep getting flooded with other stuff. Like panic. Like overwhelming sadness. Grief. Guilt. Hopelessness.
Which of course frustrates the shit out of everyone I know.
I keep trying and i keep getting knocked down.
Yeah, I know, courage (or something like it) is getting up again.
It's really hard. Really, really hard. And I keep getting blindsided.
And I want to feel normal and healthy and hopeful. Because when I am, well, look out.
Be it chemical or physical or emotional, it's feeling kind of out of control lately.
and last night I came to the overwhelming realization that I am letting it win.
And I hate that. I don't want that.
And I am so gripped by the sadness and the grief and the guilt, and now the shame of letting all of this take over my life. I have become one of those people I feared I would. One of those people I looked at and said, wow. Hope that's not me.
I've never felt a depth and such overwhelming...feeling as I have when I was pregnant (joy, anticipation, connection), when we lost them, everything associated with all of this. Grief, sadness, anger, isolation, alienation, envy.
Maybe it is that I don't want to let go of them altogether. Maybe it's all I have.
Maybe I don't want to let go of the dream I had for myself. That I finally let myself have when we finally got pregnant.
I have and am pushing away everyone. I am asking for failure. I am asking for punishment and isolation.
I'm so tired of all this.
*We got pregnant with twins the same week. Due the same day. Lost one twin, but she wound up delivering the remaining, living one, at almost 26 weeks. I had been following her blog from before we got pregnant.